Susie’s sister. Professional singer.

S2E7 - Susie calls a family meeting because she needs money and wants to sell the house in Vermont. Skint and Artie are uncooperative, and Tess enables them. Skint and Artie go off to the bar, leaving Tess and Susie to have a heart-to-heart. Ultimately, Tess gives Susie their mother’s car.

S3E7 - Tess calls Susie to let her know that their mother’s condition has worsened, and she will need to be put in a home.

S3E8 - Tess calls to tell Susie that their mother is dead.

S3E8 - Tess and Susie burn their mother’s house down for the insurance money.

S4E1 - Susie calls Tess to meet her at the bank so they can pick up the insurance check.

S4E1 - Susie and Tess are interrogated at the bank and very easily found out, so Susie asks Tess to sleep with the case agent so they aren’t arrested for arson and insurance fraud.

S4E2 - Tessie calls Susie and lets her know that she slept with Bartosiewicz and everything is taken care of now.

S5E3 - Tessie calls Susie at her office to ask for help booking work as a singer, and mid-way through the conversation, she mentions off-handedly that her husband died last week. Susie is surprised, and asked why Tess didn't inform her earlier, but Tess shrugs it off, saying that he died of natural causes so there was nothing to tell.

S5E4 - Susie vacillates between awe and bewilderment as she watches the inaugural performance of Private Waste Management: A Musical Journey in Three Acts. She is particularly surprised when Tessie appears part-way through the show as one of the key cast members, playing the singing Garbage Queen.

S5E4 - The ensemble cast of Private Waste Management: A Musical Journey in Three Acts (including Tessie) do their best to do the second and final performance of the show exactly the same as the first, despite the fact that Midge is grumpy and deliberately trying to ruin it.

S5E6 - (Flashfoward) In 1990, Tessie makes a surprise appearance at the Testi-Roastial of Susie. She is introduced by Carmine late in the evening. She thanks Susie for getting her a successful singing career in Indonesia, and attempts to sing her number one hit single “Never Ever Gonna Stop,” seductively leaning into each of the comedians on the dais as she does, but Susie soon gestures to Heather to stop the music, and the performance is unceremoniously cut short.

TESSIE: I just want everyone to be happy.
– S2E7

TESSIE: The highlight of my day is thinking up different ways to kill my husband. One of us needs a win.
– S2E7

TESSIE: I lost my virginity in a swimming pool.
SUSIE: You lost it in a few different places.
TESSIE: (laughs) In the school gym, at the automat.
SUSIE: (laughing): In synagogue.
– S3E7

TESSIE: Shit.
SUSIE: What?
TESSIE: Ah, for a moment, I thought Skint was dead. Well, that's my life in a nutshell.
– S4E1

SUSIE: I know. I know. And now I need you to do me another favor. Us another favor. That guy in there holds our fate in his big, meaty hand, and he likes you.
TESSIE: Me? No. You think?
SUSIE: Of the two of us, there's only one he wanted to bend over that desk.
TESSIE: Well, that's nice.
SUSIE: We need to flip this guy, Tess. Okay? He has to be convinced to overlook the fact that we are the worst fucking criminals in the entire world.
TESSIE: No. There have to be worse.
SUSIE: Take one for the team? Get this guy on our side?
TESSIE: By doing what?
SUSIE: The same thing you did that got our high school principal fired.
TESSIE: I'm a married woman, for Christ's sake.
SUSIE: If that meant anything to you at all, I wouldn't ask.
TESSIE: You think I'm a whore? That I ain't got a line in the sand?
SUSIE: Huh? Tess, I have seen you let your tit fall out of your shirt for a free beer.
TESSIE: Imported beer.
SUSIE: I'm not saying you have to fuck him. But when you see him, I want you to think Heineken.
TESSIE: I will see what I can do.
– S4E1

TESSIE: Mr. B hired me.
SUSIE: To do what?
TESSIE: To be a secretary person.
SUSIE: Impossible.
TESSIE: Look, I did what you said. I slept with Mr. B, and he was like, “Okay, the check's yours. You'll have it Friday. Let's do it again.”
SUSIE: Okay, for the record, I did not tell you to sleep with him.
TESSIE: I thought you did.
SUSIE: I said “flirt.” I didn't say “sleep.”
TESSIE: Anyway, now we're seeing each other, so he was like, “You want a job?” And I said, “Yeah, as long as I don't have to work that hard.” And he said, “No problem.” I just need to do stuff to him in the bathroom during lunch sometimes, but I'm good with that.
SUSIE: I'm sorry, let me get this straight. You are working at the insurance office that we defrauded and occasionally doing stuff to the insurance agent who's now technically in on the fraud?
TESSIE: That's what happens sometimes when you sleep with guys.
– S4E2

TESSIE: You always diminish my dreams, you know that? You're very consistent in that way.
– S5E3

SUSIE: Wait, Skint died?
TESSIE: Yeah.
SUSIE: Your husband? My brother-in-law?
TESSIE: Yeah, last week.
SUSIE: And you didn't think to tell me?
TESSIE: It was natural causes, so there was nothing to tell.
– S5E3

TESSIE: This woman. This woman had belief and passion for my singing career when no one else did. She is solely responsible for my smash disco single “Never Ever Gonna Stop.” It hit number 85 on the Billboard Dance charts, and it even made it to number one in Indonesia. I mean, I didn't even know Indonesia was real before that, and now I live there. It was Susie's idea.
– S5E6

7. Look, She Made a Hat

7. Marvelous Radio
8. A Jewish Girl Walks Into the Apollo...

1. Rumble on the Wonder Wheel
2. Billy Jones and the Orgy Lamps

3. Typos and Torsos
4. Susan
6. The Testi-Roastial

• Emily Bergl also appeared in the Palladinos’ previous series, Gilmore Girls, as Francie Jarvis.

• List of Characters