s5e9_transcript
| |
|
| Episode Number | 5.9 |
|---|---|
| Written By | Amy Sherman-Palladino |
| Previous Transcript | The Princess and the Plea |
Four Minutes (Transcript)
This is the transcript for Four Minutes, the ninth and final episode of the fifth and final season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
Table of Contents
Transcript
| 00:00:25 | LENNY: | The Constitution only recognizes that all people when they are illegal are immoral. And then they get busted, and they're indecent, and that's where it's at. Now, the last four years, I spent in and out of the courts. And I figured out, after four years, uh, why I got arrested so many times. Dig what happened. Uh… I do my act at, oh, perhaps, Eleven o'clock at night. Little do I know that 11:00 a.m. the next morning, before the grand jury somewhere, there's another guy doing my act who's introduced as Lenny Bruce… in substance. “Here he is, Lenny Bruce: In substance.” A peace officer, who is trained for, uh, to recognize clear and present danger, not make believe, does the act. The grand jury watches him work, and they go, “That stinks!” But I get busted. And the irony is that I have to go to court to defend his act! I want to show you this, here. |
|---|---|---|
| 00:01:23 | MAN: | Again? |
| 00:01:25 | LENNY: | Uh, “Criminal Court, City of New York, Part 2B, County of New York.” Uh, “The honorable judges and” blah, blah, blah. “…attorney.” “By the information filed on April 3, 1964, the defendants Lenny Bruce and Harold L. Solomon were charged in two separate counts, giving an indecent performance in violation of Section 1148 of the penal law of New York.” Alright, now that's the grand jury. That was the first bust. Uh… “During the first performance, Bruce fondles the microphone in a masturbatory fashion. Second performance, while telling an act of exposure, Bruce then turned his back toward the audience and moved his hand outward and upward, below his waist, in an obvious and crude pantomime of an act of exposure and masturbation.” Okay, so I said, “Make sure to tell him it's gestures of the benediction, not masturbation.” Because, like, I would never make gestures of masturbation. Because I like, like, I'm-I'm concerned with, uh… with, uh, my-my image and I know, you know, what offends chicks. Uh, what's ugly to them, uh, what frightens them. So I said, “Tell him it's gestures of the benediction.” Okay. Uh… Ah, “Three… Saint Paul giving up fսcking.” Okay, uh, what I said there was… Uh, that's how the bit is reported. But I said that, uh… Hah… Oh, I forget, it's been so long since I did that bit. Uh… I said that, uh… I said, uh, how the hell did I do that bit? I said… Now I see, I… I forget the bit, I… No, it's weird 'cause I didn't know that was a bit that they… that they put in there and, uh… I forget where it- where it started. I think I was talking about the how the Jews lost… Ah. Hey, do you want to see my dance? |
| 00:03:16 | MAN: | No! |
| 00:03:18 | LENNY: | Yeah, I'll do my dance for you, uh… Here, this is the first time that I've ever danced in front of an audience. This is uh, my American folk dance. (dances and splutters) Uh… Hello. Hello. Dirty Lenny is in here. Dirty Lenny is going on soon. The pornographer. Uh, look, I really dug working with you. I did, and, uh… Oh, as Will Rogers once said, uh, “I never met a dyke I didn't like.” And, uh, and goodnight. |
| 00:04:06 | SUSIE: | Lenny Bruce. |
| 00:04:08 | LENNY: | Yeah? |
| 00:04:09 | SUSIE: | You remember me? Susie Myerson. |
| 00:04:13 | LENNY: | The chopped liver yenta from Allerton Avenue? |
| 00:04:15 | SUSIE: | No. I'm a manager. I'm Midge Maisel's manager. |
| 00:04:18 | LENNY: | Didn't you used to be a man? |
| 00:04:20 | SUSIE: | No, I did not. |
| 00:04:22 | LENNY: | Hey, who's holding? |
| 00:04:26 | SUSIE: | You're doing some, uh, interesting stuff up there. |
| 00:04:28 | LENNY: | Yeah, did you see my dance? Hey, if you see Slim, tell him I'm here and he needs to get a fucking watch. The show's been over for hours. |
| 00:04:34 | GUY: | You got it, Lenny. |
| 00:04:36 | SUSIE: | Hey, Lenny, you want to get out of here? Go somewhere to talk? |
| 00:04:39 | LENNY: | Shit. I remember you now. Gaslight? |
| 00:04:45 | SUSIE: | Yes. Gaslight. Long time ago. I'm a manager now. |
| 00:04:49 | LENNY: | Of the Gaslight? |
| 00:04:50 | SUSIE: | No. I'm a talent manager. I'm Midge Maisel's manager. I'm Dick Gregory's manager. I'm Phyllis Diller's manager. I'm Eartha Kitt's manager. I'm a lot of people's manager. Listen, let's just go get some food, huh? Some coffee. |
| 00:05:02 | LENNY: | No, I'm not hungry. |
| 00:05:04 | SUSIE: | Then let's just get you back on your feet. How about that? |
| 00:05:05 | LENNY: | Back on my feet? |
| 00:05:09 | SUSIE: | What I saw out there tonight was a fucking disgrace. Nobody wants to see you babble on about bullshit, man. They want you to be funny. You forget how to tell a joke or make an observation without a fucking case number attached to it? |
| 00:05:21 | LENNY: | I'm an observational cat, dig? I observe and then I report. That's all I can do. |
| 00:05:26 | SUSIE: | You can do more than that. |
| 00:05:26 | LENNY: | Like sing? |
| 00:05:27 | SUSIE: | Like club dates. |
| 00:05:29 | LENNY: | Oh, man, come on. |
| 00:05:30 | SUSIE: | What come on? |
| 00:05:31 | LENNY: | The fuck are you talking about, club dates? There are no more club dates. This, tonight, was a fluke. They thought they booked Bruce Lee. |
| 00:05:37 | SUSIE: | Are you trying to stand up? |
| 00:05:39 | LENNY: | I don't know what the fuck I'm trying to do. “Club dates…” Yes, I'm trying to stand up. I can't step foot in any club east of the Grand Canyon. I've been pushed so far west, I got nothing left but Catalina. Next week I'm working on the back of a dolphin. Jonah and the Whale for a pack of marlin and a school of sardines. |
| 00:05:59 | SUSIE: | I can change that. |
| 00:06:00 | LENNY: | Yeah? How? |
| 00:06:02 | SUSIE: | I have connections. People owe me favors. |
| 00:06:05 | LENNY: | You're gonna use your favors up on me? Why? |
| 00:06:08 | SUSIE: | Because you are Lenny Bruce. There's only ever gonna be one of you. Let's get him back. |
| 00:06:14 | GUY: | Lenny? Slim's here. |
| 00:06:22 | LENNY: | Keep those favors. Use them for someone worthy. Congratulations on repping Dick Capri. He's a good comic. Hey, Susie? Is Midge here? |
| 00:06:41 | SUSIE: | No. Just me. |
| 00:07:03 | MIDGE: | Well? |
| 00:07:04 | SUSIE: | No. |
| 00:07:08 | MIDGE: | You tell him you talked to Albert Grossman? |
| 00:07:11 | SUSIE: | He's a mess, Miriam. You want to go in and…? |
| 00:07:17 | MIDGE: | No. No. |
| 00:07:23 | SUSIE: | Look, I'm gonna be in L.A. next month. If he's around, I will try again. Come on, let's go get drunk. |
| 00:07:36 | MIDGE: | (exhales) |
| 00:08:13 | COP 3: | Hey. Buddy, wake up. |
| 00:08:14 | SUSIE: | (grumbles) |
| 00:08:16 | COP 3: | Come on, sleep it off at home. |
| 00:08:17 | SUSIE: | (grunts) |
| 00:08:19 | COP 3: | Okay, move it. Hey! Stop it! |
| 00:08:22 | SUSIE: | You stop it! |
| 00:08:23 | COP 3: | Hey. Hey! |
| 00:08:24 | COP 2: | Listen! Ow! You're not listening to me. Ow! (grunting) |
| 00:08:28 | (whistle blowing) | |
| 00:08:34 | MIDGE: | And you're releasing her? |
| 00:08:35 | COP 1: | She plays poker with the chief. |
| 00:08:37 | MIDGE: | Well, I feel very safe. |
| 00:08:39 | COP 1: | Just sign here. |
| 00:08:41 | SUSIE: | Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thanks. |
| 00:08:47 | MIDGE: | Hello, there. |
| 00:08:49 | SUSIE: | Thanks for coming. |
| 00:08:50 | MIDGE: | Got everything? |
| 00:08:52 | SUSIE: | All you need is your health, right? |
| 00:08:54 | MIDGE: | Let's go. |
| 00:09:25 | MIDGE: | Here. |
| 00:09:26 | SUSIE: | Thanks. |
| 00:09:27 | MIDGE: | You need anything else? You wanna to tell me what's going on? Okay. |
| 00:09:40 | MAN IN AUTOMAT: | Oh! |
| 00:09:41 | MIDGE: | Hey! Shoot. |
| 00:09:43 | MAN IN AUTOMAT: | Sorry. |
| 00:09:50 | SUSIE: | I asked her to get you on the show. |
| 00:09:52 | MIDGE: | What? |
| 00:09:53 | SUSIE: | Hedy. I asked her, as a favor to me, to get you on the show. |
| 00:09:57 | MIDGE: | Oh. Thank you. |
| 00:10:00 | SUSIE: | I don't know if she'll do it, but I asked. I mean, she owes me, so she should. Maybe she'll feel guilty about everything. People feel guilty sometimes. Even if they don't show it, right? |
| 00:10:12 | MIDGE: | Sure. Sometimes. Look, I know you never want to talk about anything personal. |
| 00:10:18 | SUSIE: | That's right. I don't. |
| 00:10:19 | MIDGE: | But you are so upset. |
| 00:10:21 | SUSIE: | Well, I was incarcerated, Miriam, hmm? That changes a person. I mean, you go on with your life. You file shit away, you don't expect you ever have to deal with it again, and then there they are. You know, walking right back into your life, uninvited, just standing there. They don't even have the decency to get fat or unattractive or stupid or dull. And now they're blonde. Fucking blonde! |
| 00:10:51 | MIDGE: | You were… involved? |
| 00:11:00 | SUSIE: | I was on a scholarship at Pembroke. I had to work in the dining room, bus tables. Every day, this rich girl and her friends would come in. They always sat in my section. And she'd wave me over, wanting sugar cubes. Okay, now there were fucking sugar cubes already there, right in front of her, it didn't matter. She'd call me over asking about sugar cubes. Every goddamned day. Well, finally, I had it. Told her to fuck off. Wasn't there to be her dinner theater entertainment. And she looks at me and she says, “But I just wanted to talk to you.” That was it. (exhales) Eight fucking words that cursed my life. |
| 00:11:41 | MIDGE: | So, just to be super clear, you two were… together. |
| 00:11:47 | SUSIE: | Meaning what did she see in me? |
| 00:11:48 | MIDGE: | No, of course not. I know exactly what she saw in you. |
| 00:11:52 | SUSIE: | It was an unnatural pairing, okay? I know that. It was just dumb. We looked ridiculous together. I had one warm hat. Furry, ear flaps. When I wore it, I looked like her dog. Like she was taking me out for a fucking walk. |
| 00:12:08 | MIDGE: | I know that's not true. |
| 00:12:09 | SUSIE: | We fought all the time. I hated her friends. She hated going to clubs. I never met her family. She never met my family. She chewed weird. |
| 00:12:18 | MIDGE: | Hmm. |
| 00:12:19 | SUSIE: | I always caught her drawing me when I wasn't looking. She would spend hours doing her hair. Boring me stiff talking about art, but… You know, she was also smart… and funny. I actually believed her when she said after college, we'd move to Egypt and rent out camels to rich tourists. (sighs) We were gonna adopt four of the ugliest kids in the world, raise them to be really snobby, arrogant fucks. Just confuse the shit out of everyone. |
| 00:12:48 | MIDGE: | (chuckle-snorts) |
| 00:12:49 | SUSIE: | (laughs softly) Junior year, her mother took her to Paris. And she came back engaged. (sniffles) I mean, she didn't marry him, but that was it. So I dropped out, moved to New York. Burned that fucking hat. |
| 00:13:06 | MIDGE: | Oh, Susie. I am so sorry. I didn't know. I never would've asked you to go to her if I had, never. |
| 00:13:13 | SUSIE: | No. I'm your manager. You were right. Had to be done. |
| 00:13:20 | MIDGE: | Is that the only time you've been in love? |
| 00:13:23 | SUSIE: | I didn't say love! |
| 00:13:24 | MIDGE: | Okay. |
| 00:13:26 | SUSIE: | But yes. And the last. |
| 00:13:33 | MIDGE: | I think you'll fall in love again. |
| 00:13:35 | SUSIE: | Uh-huh. I'm sure it will have the same disastrous outcome. |
| 00:13:38 | MIDGE: | Why would you say that? |
| 00:13:43 | SUSIE: | Were you ever a blonde? |
| 00:13:44 | MIDGE: | I was. College. For a bit. |
| 00:13:48 | SUSIE: | Yeah. I figured. |
| 00:13:56 | ABE: | Rose, I think we've been had. Neither of those children are sick. |
| 00:14:00 | ROSE: | What are you talking about? |
| 00:14:01 | ABE: | I just overheard them laughing at us for falling for their scam. Calling us nitwits and dodo birds. |
| 00:14:07 | ROSE: | I felt Ethan's head. He was burning up. |
| 00:14:09 | ABE: | Apparently, he stuck his head under the hot water faucet for ten full minutes. |
| 00:14:12 | ROSE: | What? |
| 00:14:13 | ABE: | It was Esther's idea. She orchestrated the whole thing. |
| 00:14:16 | ROSE: | Well, that's terrible. They should be punished. |
| 00:14:18 | ABE: | I agree. I'm going to the Voice. |
| 00:14:20 | ROSE: | Aren't you going to punish them? |
| 00:14:22 | ABE: | I have an editorial meeting. |
| 00:14:23 | ROSE: | You're not suggesting that I punish them? |
| 00:14:25 | ABE: | You know, keep it minimal. They're young. But they did call us nitwits. Oh, good, their mother can do it. |
| 00:14:31 | MIDGE: | Do what? |
| 00:14:32 | ABE: | Discipline your children. |
| 00:14:33 | MIDGE: | For what? |
| 00:14:34 | ABE: | They feigned illness and called us names. |
| 00:14:35 | MIDGE: | To your face? Bold. |
| 00:14:36 | ESTHER: | Ah-ha-ha! |
| 00:14:38 | ABE: | Now they're rubbing our noses in it. |
| 00:14:39 | ROSE: | You also have to tell those people at your work that this is a home, not an answering service. |
| 00:14:43 | MIDGE: | I don't know what you're talking about, Mama. |
| 00:14:45 | ROSE: | They have been calling all morning. Six times, to be exact. |
| 00:14:48 | MIDGE: | I told Alvin I'd be back this afternoon. He knew that. |
| 00:14:50 | ROSE: | And by the way, they say that children who lie become violent criminals. |
| 00:14:53 | MIDGE: | I have to change, Mama. |
| 00:14:54 | ROSE: | Does this not concern you? |
| 00:14:56 | MIDGE: | Not particularly. |
| 00:14:57 | ROSE: | Hmm. I thought, as their mother, you might want to do something about it. |
| 00:15:00 | MIDGE: | Like what? |
| 00:15:01 | ROSE: | How should I know? |
| 00:15:02 | MIDGE: | And there you have it. I learned from the best. |
| 00:15:09 | (bell dings) | |
| 00:15:11 | MEL: | Pretty late on the bell there, Alvin. |
| 00:15:12 | ADAM: | How out of ideas is View-Master that a whole reel is just Klamath Falls? |
| 00:15:14 | MIDGE: | Alvin? |
| 00:15:14 | ALVIN: | Yes? |
| 00:15:15 | MIDGE: | I will have you know that I am here on time every single day. |
| 00:15:18 | ALVIN: | Well… |
| 00:15:19 | MIDGE: | On time enough every single day. I do not call in sick. I do not come in hungover. |
| 00:15:23 | MEL: | Why is she looking at me? |
| 00:15:24 | MIDGE: | I stay for every show. I go to every event. I get you the fresh peanuts at Toots Shor. I make sure you boys eat, that the creamer was sold in this century. I cover for you when you are with your bookie, so… if I need a couple of hours one afternoon to deal with a personal matter, you should accept that without calling constantly like Adam's wife. I have two children. I have elderly parents. I have responsibilities that sometimes require my attention. |
| 00:15:48 | ALVIN: | Is something wrong with your children? |
| 00:15:49 | MIDGE: | No, besides becoming sociopaths, my children are fine. That's not the point. |
| 00:15:53 | RALPH: | Did something happen to your parents? |
| 00:15:54 | MIDGE: | My parents are fine. I'm just saying you are not taking into account that I have children or extremely old parents. |
| 00:15:59 | MEL: | Did you go shopping? |
| 00:16:00 | MIDGE: | Why, Mel? Because I'm a woman? And all women do is shop? |
| 00:16:04 | MEL: | No, because you're in a different outfit from this morning and it has the tag on it. |
| 00:16:09 | MIDGE: | Okay. Yes. This is a new dress. But I did not go shopping. |
| 00:16:13 | ALVIN: | And I did not call you. |
| 00:16:15 | MIDGE: | Oh. Well, who did? |
| 00:16:17 | MIKE: | Midge, I've been calling you. Gordon wants to see you. |
| 00:16:21 | RALPH: | (laughs) |
| 00:16:21 | MIDGE: | Oh. Sure. |
| 00:16:30 | MEL: | Did she say her children were sociopaths? |
| 00:16:32 | CECIL: | Uh-huh. |
| 00:16:36 | MIKE: | Gordon? I got Midge. |
| 00:16:38 | GORDON: | Give us a minute, Mike? |
| 00:16:40 | MIKE: | Uh… sure. |
| 00:16:47 | GORDON: | What happened with Paar? |
| 00:16:49 | MIDGE: | What? |
| 00:16:50 | GORDON: | He book you? |
| 00:16:51 | MIDGE: | Nope. |
| 00:16:52 | GORDON: | Was he there? |
| 00:16:53 | MIDGE: | Yep. |
| 00:16:54 | GORDON: | So he saw you. |
| 00:16:55 | MIDGE: | He did. |
| 00:16:56 | GORDON: | You didn't wow him? |
| 00:16:57 | MIDGE: | I was great. |
| 00:16:58 | GORDON: | So I guess this “you'll see” that you threw in my face is gonna have to wait a while. |
| 00:17:01 | MIDGE: | That's okay. I'm patient. |
| 00:17:03 | GORDON: | Patient? Mm, funny. Is that why you called out your hounds? |
| 00:17:09 | MIDGE: | What hounds? |
| 00:17:10 | GORDON: | Yeah. Sure. Okay. You win, you're on the show. |
| 00:17:16 | MIDGE: | The show? This show? |
| 00:17:19 | GORDON: | That's the one. |
| 00:17:20 | MIDGE: | Wow. Really? Well… wow. |
| 00:17:27 | GORDON: | Tonight. |
| 00:17:27 | MIDGE: | Tonight? |
| 00:17:28 | GORDON: | You're on the show tonight. |
| 00:17:29 | MIDGE: | Oh. Uh… |
| 00:17:31 | GORDON: | Problem? |
| 00:17:31 | MIDGE: | No. No problem. |
| 00:17:32 | GORDON: | Not convenient? |
| 00:17:33 | MIDGE: | I didn't say that. |
| 00:17:33 | GORDON: | Want to check with your girl, have her get back to my girl? |
| 00:17:35 | MIDGE: | No. |
| 00:17:36 | GORDON: | I can just put the whole show on hiatus till you decide what works for you. |
| 00:17:38 | MIDGE: | Tonight is great. Best night ever. Love tonight. I'm sure. |
| 00:17:40 | GORDON: | You sure? |
| 00:17:41 | MIDGE: | I'm thrilled. |
| 00:17:42 | GORDON: | I can tell. Does it bother you that I'm thrilled? |
| 00:17:47 | MIDGE: | I'm thrilled you're thrilled. |
| 00:17:50 | GORDON: | Okay, well, I guess that's it. |
| 00:17:52 | MIDGE: | Gordon. |
| 00:17:54 | GORDON: | Yeah? |
| 00:17:59 | MIDGE: | See you tonight. |
| 00:18:01 | GORDON: | See you tonight. |
| 00:18:07 | MIDGE: | You want the door closed? |
| 00:18:10 | GORDON: | I do, otherwise when I hurl this glass at it, it will fly out into the bullpen and hit someone on the head. Lawsuits. |
| 00:18:15 | MIDGE: | Sure. |
| 00:18:16 | GORDON: | Yeah, you gotta think about these things. |
| 00:18:18 | MIDGE: | That's why you're the boss. |
| 00:18:19 | GORDON: | Yes, the boss. That is me. |
| 00:18:33 | MIDGE: | (squeals) (clears throat) |
| 00:18:40 | ALVIN: | It's too obscure. |
| 00:18:41 | MEL: | No, it's not, if I ask my mother… |
| 00:18:42 | MIDGE: | Alvin. I have to go home. |
| 00:18:44 | ALVIN: | You just got here. |
| 00:18:45 | MIDGE: | I know. I have to change. |
| 00:18:47 | ADAM: | You just changed. |
| 00:18:47 | MEL: | We saw the tag. |
| 00:18:48 | MIDGE: | I need a different outfit. |
| 00:18:49 | ALVIN: | Why? |
| 00:18:51 | MIDGE: | I am gonna be on the show tonight. |
| 00:18:52 | MEL: | What? |
| 00:18:52 | ADAM: | How? |
| 00:18:53 | CECIL: | What happened to the rule? |
| 00:18:54 | MEL: | Did they change the rule? |
| 00:18:55 | CECIL: | Alvin! |
| 00:18:56 | MEL: | That's bullshit, Alvin! |
| 00:18:57 | RALPH: | What the fuck? |
| 00:18:58 | MEL: | What the ever-loving fuck? |
| 00:18:59 | MIDGE: | Whoa, boys, stop being so happy for me, seriously. I might cry. I'm going on the show tonight. And I'm in work clothes. I need show clothes. Very different clothes. |
| 00:19:07 | ALVIN: | How? |
| 00:19:09 | MIDGE: | I could explain it to you, but there will be terms like “side darts” and “ruching” bandied about. |
| 00:19:12 | ALVIN: | Go. Please. |
| 00:19:13 | MEL: | I wouldn't have to change if I got on the show. |
| 00:19:15 | (horn toots) | |
| 00:19:16 | SUSIE: | Yank it! |
| 00:19:17 | MAGGIE: | I'm yanking it. It's not moving. |
| 00:19:19 | DINAH: | Try a jiggle. |
| 00:19:20 | SUSIE: | If you jiggle, it will fall. |
| 00:19:21 | DINAH: | It's not moving. |
| 00:19:22 | MAGGIE: | What we need is a squirrel. |
| 00:19:23 | SUSIE: | To do what, Maggie? |
| 00:19:25 | MAGGIE: | To go out there and get the package. |
| 00:19:27 | SUSIE: | So a trained squirrel? You're saying we need a trained squirrel. Am I understanding this correctly? |
| 00:19:31 | MAGGIE: | Well, it wouldn't hurt. |
| 00:19:32 | DINAH: | This thing is not moving. |
| 00:19:33 | SUSIE: | Shit. Do you remember who the envelope was from? |
| 00:19:35 | MAGGIE: | The messenger just said delivery for Susie Myerson and Associates. |
| 00:19:39 | SUSIE: | Did it ever occur to you to tell him to just walk two feet to the left and actually drop it at Susie Myerson and Associates? |
| 00:19:45 | MAGGIE: | No. |
| 00:19:45 | SUSIE: | Why not? |
| 00:19:46 | MAGGIE: | Because we have the bucket! |
| 00:19:48 | DINAH: | The bucket is fun. |
| 00:19:50 | SUSIE: | What's scary is that we are three of the more intelligent people in show business. |
| 00:19:55 | MIDGE: | How do you like my dress? |
| 00:19:56 | SUSIE: | Why aren't you at work? |
| 00:19:58 | MIDGE: | Do you like it? |
| 00:19:59 | SUSIE: | Miriam, please. One ding-dong at a time. |
| 00:20:01 | MIDGE: | Do you think this is a dress that says, “I'm gonna be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight”? |
| 00:20:04 | SUSIE: | Sure. What? Fuck you. |
| 00:20:08 | MIDGE: | No, fuck you. |
| 00:20:10 | SUSIE: | Are you serious? |
| 00:20:11 | MIDGE: | I'm Antigone without the laughs. |
| 00:20:12 | SUSIE: | I can't believe it. What happened? |
| 00:20:14 | MIDGE: | Gordon called me into his office and told me I'm on the show. Tonight. |
| 00:20:16 | DINAH: | Geez, short notice. |
| 00:20:18 | MIDGE: | He was pissed. |
| 00:20:18 | DINAH: | Why? |
| 00:20:19 | MIDGE: | Why do you think? |
| 00:20:20 | SUSIE: | She asked him. |
| 00:20:22 | MIDGE: | I think she asked him. |
| 00:20:23 | SUSIE: | Well, I'll be damned. |
| 00:20:24 | MIDGE: | I don't think he liked us going around him. |
| 00:20:25 | SUSIE: | Tough shit. That's what you do when a big dead moose is lying in the middle of the road. You roll the fuck over him, hack him up and make a stew. |
| 00:20:32 | MIDGE: | I'm gonna be on the show! |
| 00:20:33 | SUSIE: | You are gonna be on the show. |
| 00:20:34 | MIDGE: | I'm gonna be on the show. |
| 00:20:35 | SUSIE: | You're gonna be on the show! |
| 00:20:37 | MIDGE: | Okay, I have to find my mother. She is not gonna avoid it this time. She's gonna come to the studio and she's gonna sit there and take it. |
| 00:20:43 | SUSIE: | ♪ That's entertainment… ♪ |
| 00:20:44 | MIDGE: | Dinah, what line can I use? |
| 00:20:45 | DINAH: | Line two. |
| 00:20:46 | MIDGE: | I'm in your office. |
| 00:20:47 | SUSIE: | Okay. You! Get out that Rolodex you've got and call everyone we know or don't know and tell them to watch the show tonight. You? You find us that squirrel. |
| 00:20:54 | MAGGIE: | On it. |
| 00:21:01 | JOEL: | Stay focused. |
| 00:21:02 | ARCHIE: | Focused. Yes. |
| 00:21:03 | JOEL: | We're here for 12 uniforms for the supper club. Only 12. And only the exact uniforms we agreed on last week. |
| 00:21:08 | ARCHIE: | I brought the picture. |
| 00:21:09 | JOEL: | Never say yes immediately. They will try and lay their crap inventory off on us just like last time. |
| 00:21:14 | ARCHIE: | I know. I'm still sorry I fell for it. I don't know what I thought we were gonna do with all those hoop skirts. |
| 00:21:17 | JOEL: | My mother's a born hustler. |
| 00:21:18 | ARCHIE: | Just don't leave me alone with her again. |
| 00:21:20 | CAROL: | I've located the uniforms. They were hidden in the back, of course. |
| 00:21:23 | JOEL: | You'd think they'd come up with some new tricks by now. |
| 00:21:25 | CAROL: | But there's something else going on here. There are men cataloguing everything in the place. |
| 00:21:29 | JOEL: | What? What for? |
| 00:21:31 | CAROL: | I don't know. But I'm gonna find out. |
| 00:21:33 | JOEL: | Ma? Pop? I'm here. |
| 00:21:35 | SHIRLEY: | Hold on, Joely. |
| 00:21:37 | MOISHE: | Yeah, we're coming! |
| 00:21:38 | ARCHIE: | You know, it's not too late to go to Macy's. Oh, my God. |
| 00:21:43 | JOEL: | Don't fall for it. |
| 00:21:44 | ARCHIE: | But they have canes. |
| 00:21:45 | JOEL: | Anybody can get a cane. |
| 00:21:46 | MOISHE: | Hello, Joel. |
| 00:21:47 | SHIRLEY: | Just kiss me from there, Joely. I'm fragile. |
| 00:21:50 | JOEL: | What happened here? |
| 00:21:51 | MOISHE: | It's a long story. |
| 00:21:52 | JOEL: | I got time. |
| 00:21:53 | MOISHE: | Okay. Well… Manny's in Florida visiting his sister. |
| 00:21:57 | SHIRLEY: | So Moishe's been getting up early every day to open the factory. |
| 00:22:00 | MOISHE: | Anyhow, I'm up, I'm in the shower, I drop the soap. Bent over to pick it up, and suddenly… |
| 00:22:06 | MOISHE: | Whoa! |
| 00:22:06 | MOISHE: | Bam, I'm down. |
| 00:22:07 | JOEL: | Pop, Jesus. |
| 00:22:08 | MOISHE: | I'm down hard. So I call out for Shirley. |
| 00:22:10 | MOISHE: | Shirley! |
| 00:22:11 | SHIRLEY: | I'm in bed, dead asleep. |
| 00:22:12 | MOISHE: | A corpse. |
| 00:22:13 | SHIRLEY: | Suddenly, I hear Moishe calling out my name. Now, it's dark. It's cold. I have nothing on. |
| 00:22:18 | MOISHE: | Not a stitch. |
| 00:22:19 | JOEL: | Ma, please. |
| 00:22:20 | SHIRLEY: | So I grab the first thing I can find and I ran in. |
| 00:22:22 | SHIRLEY: | Moishe! |
| 00:22:23 | SHIRLEY: | But when he fell, he splashed water all over the bathroom floor. |
| 00:22:25 | SHIRLEY: | (yells) Ow! |
| 00:22:26 | SHIRLEY: | I'm down like a rock. |
| 00:22:27 | MOISHE: | And that rock fell right on top of me. |
| 00:22:30 | SHIRLEY: | I thought I broke everything. My coat was soaking wet. |
| 00:22:32 | MOISHE: | It was like having a wet yak laying all over you. |
| 00:22:35 | SHIRLEY: | The cleaning lady wasn't coming till later that morning. |
| 00:22:37 | MOISHE: | We just lay there. |
| 00:22:38 | SHIRLEY: | And talked. |
| 00:22:40 | MOISHE: | Just talked about everything. What else can you do in a situation like that besides die? |
| 00:22:46 | SHIRLEY: | We haven't talked like that in years. |
| 00:22:47 | MOISHE: | And for the first time, I really listened. |
| 00:22:49 | SHIRLEY: | And I listened, too. |
| 00:22:51 | MOISHE: | It was a terrific moment. |
| 00:22:53 | MOISHE: | (laughs) I love you so much! |
| 00:22:55 | MOISHE: | Anyhow, your mother convinced me I was being silly. There's more to life than this factory. And since I'm not keeping it going for you… |
| 00:23:01 | SHIRLEY: | Moishe's gonna retire. |
| 00:23:03 | JOEL: | What? Really? |
| 00:23:04 | MOISHE: | Selling the business. Everything goes. |
| 00:23:06 | JOEL: | Just like that? |
| 00:23:07 | MOISHE: | Sometimes it takes falling in the shower for everything to become very clear. Life is precious. And it's not all about you. You have to think about the other people in your life. |
| 00:23:18 | JOEL: | What about the workers? |
| 00:23:19 | MOISHE: | Fuck 'em. Anyhow, the headline is I'm retiring. |
| 00:23:22 | SHIRLEY: | As soon as we can walk again, we are selling the house and getting a condo in Boca. |
| 00:23:26 | JOEL: | Well, I'm stunned. |
| 00:23:28 | SHIRLEY: | But happy? |
| 00:23:29 | JOEL: | If you're happy, I'm happy. |
| 00:23:30 | CAROL: | Mr. Maisel! Excuse me, Mr. Maisel, there's a phone call for you. |
| 00:23:34 | JOEL: | Me? Okay. I'll be right back. |
| 00:23:38 | SHIRLEY: | Okay, Arch, Arch, come here. Come here. Let's talk about those uniforms. Now, I know… |
| 00:23:45 | JOEL: | Hello? |
| 00:23:46 | MIDGE: | Hey. Sorry to bug you. |
| 00:23:47 | JOEL: | No. Please, distract me. |
| 00:23:49 | MIDGE: | I'm gonna be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. |
| 00:23:51 | JOEL: | What? Midge, this is incredible. |
| 00:23:54 | MIDGE: | I know. Can't believe it. I'm almost afraid to keep saying it out loud. It might go away. |
| 00:24:00 | JOEL: | No. No, it won't go away. This is big. |
| 00:24:02 | MIDGE: | It's the break I've been waiting for. |
| 00:24:04 | JOEL: | Are you ready? |
| 00:24:06 | MIDGE: | I'd better be, right? |
| 00:24:08 | JOEL: | Listen, if you need to talk about me, us, whatever, go ahead. I don't mind. |
| 00:24:13 | MIDGE: | Oh. Joel… |
| 00:24:15 | JOEL: | I mean it. I'd love to be able to still live in New York tomorrow, but if not, so be it. |
| 00:24:20 | MIDGE: | Have I ever told you that you are amazing? |
| 00:24:22 | JOEL: | You have. A lot. More than I deserve. |
| 00:24:26 | MIDGE: | Hey. You wanna come down to the studio? Watch me trash you on national television? |
| 00:24:32 | JOEL: | Really? |
| 00:24:33 | MIDGE: | Yeah. I'd like you there. |
| 00:24:35 | JOEL: | Wouldn't miss it for the world. |
| 00:24:37 | MIDGE: | 8:30. I'll leave the tickets under “The one that got away.” |
| 00:24:41 | JOEL: | You break a leg. |
| 00:24:42 | MIDGE: | Bye, Joel. |
| 00:24:48 | JOEL: | (giggles) |
| 00:24:49 | SUSIE: | (singing indistinctly) |
| 00:24:52 | MIDGE: | Okay. I'm heading to the studio. |
| 00:24:56 | SUSIE: | Hold on. I'm going with you. |
| 00:24:57 | DINAH: | Can you hold, please? Midge. Elbow. |
| 00:24:59 | MIDGE: | What? Shit. Shit! |
| 00:25:01 | SUSIE: | What is it? |
| 00:25:02 | MIDGE: | Shit. It's shit. Pigeon shit. |
| 00:25:04 | SUSIE: | What? Fuck. Did you lean on the sill? You never lean on the sill, Miriam. The sill belongs to the pigeons. |
| 00:25:10 | MIDGE: | I have to change again. |
| 00:25:11 | SUSIE: | Into what? One of my suits? |
| 00:25:12 | MIDGE: | Well, I can't go on like this. Wait, can we stop by Bergdorf's? |
| 00:25:16 | SUSIE: | You are not going shopping. No one has that kind of time. They'd have to postpone the show by a week. |
| 00:25:20 | MIDGE: | I have a couple dresses on hold there. One of them could work. |
| 00:25:22 | DINAH: | I'll get them. You get to the studio. |
| 00:25:24 | MIDGE: | Really? |
| 00:25:24 | DINAH: | Go, go, go! |
| 00:25:25 | MIDGE: | Why do you let pigeons shit all over your sill? |
| 00:25:27 | SUSIE: | Because they're pigeons. Their world is small, Miriam. Give them something. |
| 00:25:36 | MIDGE: | “The best advice I have for girls who want to have babies someday is live with your parents so they can raise them.” |
| 00:25:41 | SUSIE: | Maybe. |
| 00:25:42 | MIDGE: | Mm. “My kids aren't babies anymore, which is sad for a mother. Now I have to hear their opinions on the stupid outfits I…” Too orange. “The stupid outfits I put on them.” |
| 00:25:49 | SUSIE: | No. |
| 00:25:52 | MIDGE: | “My son thinks I'm funny. My daughter thinks she's adopted.” Too dark. |
| 00:25:56 | SUSIE: | The joke? |
| 00:25:56 | MIDGE: | The liner. |
| 00:25:57 | MEG: | You sure you wouldn't like to do it? |
| 00:25:59 | MIDGE: | Please. You're the professional. “A lot of people ask me why I go out and perform comedy at night when I have two young kids at home.” No. “And I tell them, 'Because they're bad laughers.'” No. Yeah, I'm wondering if I should mention the kids at all. |
| 00:26:10 | SUSIE: | Mm, kids are relatable. Those little fuckers are everywhere. |
| 00:26:12 | MIDGE: | I know, but will people hate a mother making jokes about her children? |
| 00:26:15 | SUSIE: | No. Why? |
| 00:26:16 | MIDGE: | Because a mother's supposed to love her children and be soft and caring and bullshit, bullshit, bull… Just let me. |
| 00:26:20 | MEG: | Yep. |
| 00:26:21 | DINAH: | Got 'em. I had them reinforce all the hooks and buttons so there's no surprises on national television. Plus, I didn't know what your stocking situation was, so I got you a couple extra pairs. |
| 00:26:30 | MIDGE: | Dinah, will you marry me? |
| 00:26:31 | DINAH: | I am not marrying a comedian. |
| 00:26:33 | MIDGE: | Fair enough. How much do I owe you? |
| 00:26:34 | DINAH: | Nothing. |
| 00:26:35 | MIDGE: | You are not paying for this. |
| 00:26:37 | DINAH: | I am not paying for this. |
| 00:26:38 | SUSIE: | I am not paying for this. |
| 00:26:39 | DINAH: | No one is paying for this. I told them you'd be wearing one of these fine dresses on The Gordon Ford Show tonight, so as long as you mention Bergdorf's, it's all free. |
| 00:26:46 | MIDGE: | Dinah, are you sure you won't marry me? |
| 00:26:47 | DINAH: | (chuckles) |
| 00:26:48 | SUSIE: | Let's get back to the set order, please. Time's a-tickin'. |
| 00:26:50 | MIDGE: | I think I should pull back on the kid stuff. |
| 00:26:53 | SUSIE: | Okay, but you know if you do, the minute you open your mouth, the first thing that comes out will be “I hate kids. You can all suck my dick.” |
| 00:26:58 | MIDGE: | I don't think that'll be the first thing that comes out of my mouth. |
| 00:27:00 | TRUDY: | Midge! Success! |
| 00:27:02 | MIDGE: | Excellent. |
| 00:27:04 | TRUDY: | He's on Millie's line. This one right here. |
| 00:27:07 | DORIE: | Here. |
| 00:27:08 | TRUDY: | Hi. |
| 00:27:09 | MIDGE: | My God, you people are hard to find. |
| 00:27:11 | ABE: | What are you talking about? |
| 00:27:12 | MIDGE: | I've been looking for you. |
| 00:27:13 | ABE: | I'm at work. |
| 00:27:14 | MIDGE: | I know that now. |
| 00:27:15 | ABE: | Well, then, mystery solved. Goodbye, Miriam. |
| 00:27:17 | MIDGE: | I-I've been trying to get ahold of Mama, but she's been on the phone for four hours and she wasn't home when I was there earlier. |
| 00:27:21 | ABE: | Why were you home earlier? |
| 00:27:22 | MIDGE: | I went home to change. |
| 00:27:23 | ABE: | Again? |
| 00:27:23 | MIDGE: | Yes. |
| 00:27:24 | ABE: | For the second time today? |
| 00:27:26 | MIDGE: | Yes. Well, third time, once Dinah got here with my dress from Bergdorf's. |
| 00:27:29 | ABE: | I need someone young to listen in on this and explain it to me. |
| 00:27:32 | MIDGE: | Listen, I have amazing news. I am gonna be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. |
| 00:27:37 | ABE: | Doing what? |
| 00:27:38 | MIDGE: | Stand-up. |
| 00:27:40 | ABE: | You're a guest? |
| 00:27:41 | MIDGE: | I am a guest. |
| 00:27:42 | ABE: | Well, I'll be. |
| 00:27:43 | MIDGE: | I've been trying to get ahold of Mama because I have two tickets for you guys to come down and watch. We go live tonight at nine, so you have to be in your seat at eight-thirty. |
| 00:27:50 | ABE: | Eight-thirty. Okay. We'll be there. |
| 00:27:52 | MIDGE: | Great. I have to go. I'm sitting here in the bullpen in my underwear… |
| 00:27:56 | ABE: | I don't want to hear anymore. |
| 00:27:56 | MIDGE: | But I… |
| 00:27:57 | ABE: | Not a word. See you tonight. Uh, wait! Miriam. |
| 00:28:00 | MIDGE: | Yes? |
| 00:28:02 | ABE: | This is… really wonderful. |
| 00:28:08 | MIDGE: | Thank you, Papa. (sniffles) (sighs) |
| 00:28:16 | ALVIN: | Oh. Uh… (stammers) Monologue doesn't write itself, boys. |
| 00:28:20 | CECIL: | (whistles casually) |
| 00:28:22 | ABE: | Rose! Rose! (panting) |
| 00:28:27 | ROSE: | Uh, no. Stop right there. I just got everyone placed. |
| 00:28:30 | ABE: | Come on. We have to get going. |
| 00:28:32 | ROSE: | Where? |
| 00:28:33 | ABE: | I got a call from Miriam. She is going to be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. She's going to do her act. |
| 00:28:40 | ROSE: | Oh. Well, good for her. |
| 00:28:42 | ABE: | We have to be there by eight-thirty. So do whatever you have to do here to leave the house, because we have to go. |
| 00:28:48 | ROSE: | I'm not going. |
| 00:28:49 | ABE: | What do you mean you're not going? Miriam is going to be on television. |
| 00:28:53 | ROSE: | (sighs) If she wanted me to be there, she would've called me and asked me herself. She called you and asked you. You go and tell me how she was. |
| 00:29:01 | ABE: | She said she's been calling you and the line has been busy for four hours. |
| 00:29:06 | ROSE: | And you believe that? |
| 00:29:07 | ABE: | Why would she lie? |
| 00:29:08 | ROSE: | Because she's a compulsive liar, just like her children. |
| 00:29:10 | ABE: | I don't think that's true. |
| 00:29:11 | ROSE: | How long did she lie to us about doing stand-up comedy? Hmm? And about Susie being a plumber? When she called us during Ethan's fake birthday party, she said she was in Prague, when she was really back in New York. And I was most certainly not on the phone for four hours. I'm not a 14-year-old bobby-soxer planning to elope with Elvis. |
| 00:29:28 | ABE: | Maybe there's something wrong with the phone. |
| 00:29:30 | ROSE: | There is nothing wrong with the phone. I have been home all day with the phone. I would know if there was something wrong. |
| 00:29:36 | ABE: | Maybe the phone was off the hook. |
| 00:29:37 | ROSE: | The phone's absolutely not off the… |
| 00:29:39 | (disconnect tone beeping) | |
| 00:29:40 | ABE: | (sighs) |
| 00:29:42 | ROSE: | Well, that still doesn't prove anyone was trying to call. |
| 00:29:44 | (phone rings) | |
| 00:29:45 | ROSE: | Hello? |
| 00:29:46 | JOEL: | Rose. Thank God. I've been trying to get you for the past four hours. Midge is gonna be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight and she has tickets for you. |
| 00:29:51 | ROSE: | Oh. Well, thank you for calling me, Joel. |
| 00:29:54 | JOEL: | You have to be there at eight-thirty. The show starts at nine. |
| 00:29:56 | ROSE: | All right, Joel. |
| 00:29:57 | JOEL: | 8:30. |
| 00:29:58 | ROSE: | Thank you, Joel. |
| 00:29:59 | JOEL: | I'm supposed to hear you say you'll be there. |
| 00:30:01 | (phone rings) | |
| 00:30:02 | ROSE: | Hello. |
| 00:30:03 | SHIRLEY: | Rose. Finally. I've been trying you for hours. Listen, Miriam wanted me to call to make sure you knew she's performing on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. |
| 00:30:11 | ROSE: | I know, Shirley. |
| 00:30:12 | SHIRLEY: | They say to be here by eight-thirty, but I would say eight-fifteen to be safe. They give out a lot of the free stuff at eight-fifteen. Frisbees, potholders, wineglasses with leprechauns on them. |
| 00:30:21 | ROSE: | Goodbye, Shirley. |
| 00:30:22 | (phone rings) | |
| 00:30:23 | ROSE: | Hello. |
| 00:30:25 | (water running) | |
| 00:30:25 | ZELDA: | (quietly) Hello, Mrs. Weissman? My goodness, you like to talk a lot on the phone. |
| 00:30:28 | ROSE: | I wasn't on the pho… |
| 00:30:29 | ZELDA: | I don't have time. Miss Miriam is trying to get in touch with you. She's going to be funny tonight on The Gordon Ford Show. She has tickets for you to come. |
| 00:30:35 | ROSE: | Why are you whispering? |
| 00:30:36 | ZELDA: | Janusz does not want me talking to you people anymore. He says you are vampires sucking the lifeblood out of us. |
| 00:30:41 | JANUSZ: | Zelda, who are you talking to? |
| 00:30:42 | ZELDA: | This never happened. Bye. |
| 00:30:45 | ROSE: | Okay, so… |
| 00:30:46 | (phone rings) | |
| 00:30:48 | ROSE: | This is Rose Weissman. |
| 00:30:50 | ALVIN: | Shh! I got her. |
| 00:30:50 | ADAM: | Oh, good. |
| 00:30:50 | MEL: | Oh, it's been hours. |
| 00:30:52 | ALVIN: | Midge wanted us to call you and tell you that… |
| 00:30:53 | ROSE: | She's going to be on the show. |
| 00:30:54 | ALVIN: | Yes. And be there by… |
| 00:30:56 | ROSE: | Eight-fifteen if you want to get the Frisbees. I know. I heard. Thank you. How long do we have? |
| 00:31:01 | ABE: | One hour. |
| 00:31:02 | ROSE: | Let's go. |
| 00:31:03 | ROSE: | I don't understand why you didn't have Antonio hail us a cab. |
| 00:31:06 | ABE: | There were no cabs to hail, Rose. |
| 00:31:08 | ROSE: | Of course not. You didn't let him blow the whistle. |
| 00:31:10 | ABE: | What? |
| 00:31:11 | ROSE: | The cab whistle. When he blows the whistle, the cabs appear. |
| 00:31:14 | ABE: | They have to already be there to hear the whistle. The whistle is not magic. Antonio is not a wizard. This is not Narnia. |
| 00:31:22 | ROSE: | Oh, dear. |
| 00:31:22 | ABE: | Well, now we know why there were no cabs in front of the building. They are all here. Find a light. |
| 00:31:29 | ROSE: | I don't see a light. Do you have a whistle? Hello? Cab person? Yoo-hoo? |
| 00:31:35 | ABE: | Excuse me? 30 Rockefeller Center. |
| 00:31:37 | CAB DRIVER 1: | No fares. |
| 00:31:38 | ABE: | Why not? |
| 00:31:39 | CAB DRIVER 1: | Shift change. |
| 00:31:40 | ROSE: | What did he say? |
| 00:31:40 | ABE: | He's not taking fares. |
| 00:31:41 | ROSE: | Because you didn't use the whistle. |
| 00:31:43 | CAB DRIVER 2: | I'd try the subway, pal! |
| 00:31:47 | ABE: | Excuse me? Are you available? |
| 00:31:48 | CAB DRIVER 3: | No, shift change. |
| 00:31:49 | ROSE: | Excuse me, we need a cab. Hey, that was my foot you almost ran over. |
| 00:31:52 | ABE: | Excuse me, are you available? |
| 00:31:53 | CAB DRIVER 4: | Nope. |
| 00:31:54 | ROSE: | Excuse me? |
| 00:31:55 | ABE: | Taxi! |
| 00:31:56 | ROSE: | Excuse me, we need a cab. |
| 00:31:57 | CAB DRIVER 5: | Shift change, lady. |
| 00:31:59 | ROSE: | I don't understand why you'd all change shifts at the same time. How are we supposed to get around somewhere? |
| 00:32:03 | ABE: | Hello there, are you available? We're going to 30 Rockefeller Center. |
| 00:32:06 | CAB DRIVER 6: | I wish you luck. |
| 00:32:07 | ROSE: | Excuse me, we need a cab. We do not have a whistle! |
| 00:32:10 | CAB DRIVER 7: | Sorry, lady. |
| 00:32:11 | ABE: | Excuse me, we need a cab. I know there's a shift change going on… |
| 00:32:14 | CAB DRIVER 8: | No. |
| 00:32:15 | ROSE: | Excuse me! My daughter's going to be on television. I just found out… |
| 00:32:19 | ABE: | I will pay you ten dollars to not change shifts. |
| 00:32:22 | CAB DRIVER 10: | Nope. |
| 00:32:23 | ROSE: | She called me and the phone was off the hook, which I had no idea was happening, but my grandchildren can reach it now, it's… |
| 00:32:28 | ABE: | I have ten dollars if you don't change shifts. |
| 00:32:30 | CAB DRIVER 11: | Nope, sorry. |
| 00:32:31 | ROSE: | We've had a very strained relationship since her husband left her and she became a comedian, which I was hoping… |
| 00:32:36 | ABE: | Twenty dollars to give us a ride! Plus whatever the ride costs. And if someone in your family needs tutoring in advanced algebra or differential equations, or a favorable theatrical review in The Village Voice, I can make that happen as well. |
| 00:32:51 | ROSE: | What is wrong with the taxi industry? |
| 00:32:53 | ABE: | I offered this man money and services. |
| 00:32:55 | ROSE: | I offered that one my wedding ring, nothing. |
| 00:32:57 | ABE: | And still he… wait, what? |
| 00:32:59 | ROSE: | He looked at me like I was insane. |
| 00:33:00 | ABE: | How could you offer him your wedding ring? That belonged to my great-grandmother. |
| 00:33:03 | ROSE: | Abe, don't try to change the subject. |
| 00:33:05 | ABE: | What? That was an heirloom. It was priceless. She wouldn't even wear it. She sewed it into her wig, so no one would steal it. |
| 00:33:11 | ROSE: | A bus! I see a bus. I wish we had that whistle. |
| 00:33:14 | ABE: | Wait! |
| 00:33:15 | ROSE: | Ooh, please stop the bus! |
| 00:33:16 | ABE: | Wait! |
| 00:33:17 | ROSE: | Stop it now! Stop! Do not move! |
| 00:33:19 | ABE: | Excuse me? |
| 00:33:20 | ROSE: | Excuse me, Mr. Bus Driver! |
| 00:33:21 | ABE: | Excuse me! |
| 00:33:22 | ROSE: | My daughter's going to be on television! |
| 00:33:24 | MIDGE: | (muttering softly) |
| 00:33:26 | (indistinct radio chatter) | |
| 00:33:39 | SUSIE: | There you go, your set order. Nice and clear. Can you read that? |
| 00:33:42 | MIDGE: | I can. |
| 00:33:43 | DINAH: | I'll pass it on. Susie, I can move your dinner with Shel to tomorrow. Do it? |
| 00:33:46 | SUSIE: | Why am I having dinner with Shel? |
| 00:33:47 | DINAH: | Because you said you wanted dinner with Shel. |
| 00:33:49 | SUSIE: | I hate Shel. Cancel the dinner with Shel. I firmly believe that's the best order for your set, so… See, you're fucking with the best order just as I'm saying it's the best order. That's a better order. Wait! Shel took over the condo circuit. I need to have dinner with Shel. Cancel cancelling my dinner with Shel. |
| 00:34:02 | GORDON: | Alan Shepard. An American hero. Thrilled to have you here. |
| 00:34:07 | ALAN: | Thrilled to be here, Gordon. |
| 00:34:08 | GORDON: | I see you got our basket. |
| 00:34:09 | ALAN: | I did. It's big. |
| 00:34:10 | GORDON: | Well, we wanted you to have a basket that you could see from space. Apologies in advance if there are any jokes about little green men or if the term “thrusters up” gets shouted out at any point during the show tonight. |
| 00:34:19 | ALAN: | Sign a picture for my wife, and all will be forgiven. |
| 00:34:21 | GORDON: | Deal. See you out there. Maisel. |
| 00:34:25 | MIDGE: | Gordon. Hello. I am really excited about tonight. |
| 00:34:28 | GORDON: | What are you wearing? |
| 00:34:30 | MIDGE: | What? Uh, a dress? Is this a trick question? |
| 00:34:34 | GORDON: | Just seems a little fancy. |
| 00:34:36 | MIDGE: | Well, I don't know. I'm gonna do my act on The Gordon Ford Show. That seemed to call for fancy. |
| 00:34:40 | GORDON: | Your act? |
| 00:34:41 | MIDGE: | Yes. |
| 00:34:42 | GORDON: | You're not doing your act. |
| 00:34:43 | MIDGE: | Well, whose act am I doing? It'd better not be Buddy Hackett's. 'Cause his team is quick to upset. |
| 00:34:48 | GORDON: | Let me clear this up for you. You're not coming on to perform. You're coming on as a writer. |
| 00:34:52 | MIDGE: | A writer? |
| 00:34:54 | GORDON: | See if you can borrow a sweater or something to throw over that. |
| 00:34:57 | MIDGE: | Susie. |
| 00:34:59 | SUSIE: | Mr. Ford? Mr. Ford. Mr. Ford, Susie Myerson. Midge's manager. |
| 00:35:04 | GORDON: | I know who you are. |
| 00:35:05 | SUSIE: | Listen, my client was under the impression she was performing on the show tonight. |
| 00:35:09 | GORDON: | Really? Who gave her that impression? |
| 00:35:10 | SUSIE: | You. You gave her that impression. |
| 00:35:12 | GORDON: | I said she was gonna be on the show and she is gonna be on the show. |
| 00:35:15 | SUSIE: | But not as a comic? |
| 00:35:16 | GORDON: | No. |
| 00:35:17 | SUSIE: | But she's a comic. |
| 00:35:17 | GORDON: | Not here. Here, she's a writer, so she's gonna come on as a writer. |
| 00:35:21 | SUSIE: | What does that mean? She's gonna come out and get hemorrhoids? |
| 00:35:24 | GORDON: | It means I will introduce her as one of my writers and ask her a couple of questions. She will answer them and that's it. |
| 00:35:28 | SUSIE: | Why? |
| 00:35:29 | GORDON: | Why what? |
| 00:35:30 | SUSIE: | Why are you bringing her on as a writer? Who gives a shit about that? |
| 00:35:33 | GORDON: | It's a human interest piece. Like when a panda bear gives birth in a zoo. Only not quite as cute. |
| 00:35:37 | SUSIE: | She is not a panda bear. |
| 00:35:38 | GORDON: | Look, she doesn't need to come on the show at all. I can bring on Mel. He actually does look like a panda bear, so it'll work even better. |
| 00:35:44 | SUSIE: | Gordon… |
| 00:35:44 | GORDON: | I'm due on set. I will see you out there. Or not. |
| 00:35:50 | MIDGE: | What the fuck? |
| 00:35:54 | SUSIE: | Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! |
| 00:36:16 | MIKE: | Oh, my God! What?! What, Susie? What the ever-loving what?! |
| 00:36:19 | SUSIE: | He said she was performing on the show. And now she's not. |
| 00:36:21 | MIKE: | She's not? She's on the board. |
| 00:36:23 | SUSIE: | Don't you produce this shit? Why don't you know anything? |
| 00:36:25 | MIKE: | Why is she here if she's not on the show? |
| 00:36:27 | SUSIE: | Oh, she's going on the show. She's going on as a panda bear. |
| 00:36:30 | MIKE: | I'm sorry, what? Like, in a costume? |
| 00:36:32 | SUSIE: | A metaphorical panda bear, Mike. |
| 00:36:34 | MIKE: | I don't know what that is. |
| 00:36:35 | SUSIE: | It's bullshit. That's what it is. |
| 00:36:37 | MIKE: | Look, the big decisions are always Gordon's. |
| 00:36:38 | SUSIE: | He says he wants to interview her as a writer. |
| 00:36:41 | MIKE: | What does that mean? She's gonna come out and get hemorrhoids? |
| 00:36:44 | SUSIE: | That's what I said! |
| 00:36:44 | MIKE: | Wow. That sounds like unadulterated shit. |
| 00:36:47 | SUSIE: | Fix this, Mike. |
| 00:36:49 | MIKE: | I will see what I can do. |
| 00:36:50 | SUSIE: | Fix this now! |
| 00:36:51 | MIKE: | I fucking said I will see what I can do. |
| 00:36:53 | WES: | One minute, ladies and gentlemen. |
| 00:36:59 | GORDON: | What's that? |
| 00:37:00 | MIKE: | Last-minute pitch for the opening line. |
| 00:37:02 | GORDON: | Better. Give it to Teddy. |
| 00:37:04 | MIKE: | There seems to be some confusion about Midge's spot. |
| 00:37:07 | GORDON: | Oh, don't get in the middle of this. |
| 00:37:09 | MIKE: | I'm in the middle of this, Gordon. I'm your producer. |
| 00:37:11 | GORDON: | I changed it to a human interest piece, quick interview. |
| 00:37:13 | MIKE: | Okay, but… (stammers) |
| 00:37:15 | GORDON: | Show's starting, Mike. |
| 00:37:16 | WES: | For those of you still filing in… |
| 00:37:17 | GORDON: | That podium won't man itself. |
| 00:37:19 | WES: | …we are less than one minute to air! You're in for a great show tonight. Now we're about to get going, so keep that energy up. This show's a live broadcast, so that means anything can happen… |
| 00:37:29 | SHIRLEY: | Rose! Abe! Abe, over here, over here! |
| 00:37:32 | ROSE: | Oh, Shirley. Where's Moishe? |
| 00:37:35 | SHIRLEY: | Oh, he's on painkillers. He thought he was Eva Perón, so I left him at home. Here, I got these Frisbees for you. |
| 00:37:40 | WES: | Just a few things to bear in mind… |
| 00:37:41 | JOEL: | Rose, Abe! |
| 00:37:42 | WES: | …no eating and drinking. |
| 00:37:43 | ARCHIE: | Hi! Hey! |
| 00:37:44 | WES: | Please no unwrapping candy, keep the aisles clear, and if you have to leave, please do so quietly. Emergency exit doors are on both sides in the back. Other than that, make a lot of noise when it comes to showing Gordon you're happy to be here. Here we go, lots of applause! And five, four, three… |
| 00:38:07 | BAND LEADER: | Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Gordon Ford Show. Tonight's guests… astronaut Alan Shepard, Broadway sensation Carol Burnett, plus a special visit with… a Gordon Ford writer! Now here he is, Gordon Ford! |
| 00:38:28 | WES: | Mr. Shepard? |
| 00:38:29 | ALAN: | Okay, ready. Good luck, Miss. |
| 00:38:32 | MIDGE: | Thank you. Nice to have you back on Earth. |
| 00:38:35 | SHIRLEY: | Gordon Ford is a genius! |
| 00:38:40 | CAROL: | ♪ Someone's being bashful. That's no way to be, not with me. Can't you see? That I am just as embarrassed as you, and I can understand your point of view? I've always been… SHYYYYY! I confess it, I'm SHYYYYY! Can't you guess that this confident air is a mask that I wear 'cause I'm shy? And you can be SUUUUURE, way down deep I'm DEMUUUUURE! Though some people I know might deny it, at bottom I'm quiet and pure… ♪ |
| 00:39:28 | MIDGE: | As much as this night stinks, I really enjoyed Alan Shepard's nuts. |
| 00:39:33 | PLUM: | Midge? Hello, Midge? Are you Midge? |
| 00:39:36 | SUSIE: | That's Midge. |
| 00:39:38 | PLUM: | Oh. Great. Thanks. Midge? Hi. I'm Plum. I know. It's a terrible fruity family name, but there you go. |
| 00:39:44 | SUSIE: | Can we help you, Plum? |
| 00:39:45 | PLUM: | No. I'm here to help you. I'm your stage manager for the night. |
| 00:39:49 | MIDGE: | What do you mean, “my stage manager”? |
| 00:39:51 | PLUM: | The real stage manager is busy managing the real show, so they assigned me to manage you. |
| 00:39:55 | MIDGE: | Wait, don't you run the lost and found for the ice rink? |
| 00:39:57 | PLUM: | Not today! Shall we go? |
| 00:40:01 | MALE SINGERS: | ♪ Not I, sir ♪ |
| 00:40:03 | CAROL: | ♪ Then who, sir? Where, sir and when, sir? I couldn't be tenser. So let's get this done, man. Come on with the fun, man. I am one man… ♪ |
| 00:40:17 | MALE SINGERS: | ♪ The lady is one man… ♪ |
| 00:40:19 | CAROL and MALE SINGERS: | ♪ SHYYYYY!!! ♪ |
| 00:40:29 | GORDON: | Carol Burnett, ladies and gentlemen. Just fantastic, Carol. Can't wait to see what you do next. And we'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen, after a word from our sponsor. |
| 00:40:39 | WES: | And we are out. |
| 00:40:41 | PLUM: | Wait here. |
| 00:40:44 | MAN: | All right, guys, right this way. |
| 00:40:49 | SUSIE: | You have to sit on a stool? The couch is right there. |
| 00:40:52 | MIDGE: | The couch is for the real guests on the real show. I'm not allowed to have back support. |
| 00:40:56 | SUSIE: | Well, the stool is still on camera. You can still make them laugh. This does not have to suck completely, so tits… |
| 00:41:01 | MIDGE: | Nope. |
| 00:41:02 | SUSIE: | Right. |
| 00:41:03 | MAN: | Girl writer on the stool. |
| 00:41:08 | PLUM: | You are on the left, so Gordon can get back to his desk as quickly as possible. |
| 00:41:12 | MIDGE: | Got it. |
| 00:41:17 | GORDON: | Fine. |
| 00:41:18 | MIKE: | Thank you. |
| 00:41:20 | ABE: | Look at her up there. Look, it's Miriam. Over here. Miriam, I found your mother! |
| 00:41:29 | ROSE: | The phone was off the hook! |
| 00:41:31 | ABE: | I went home and got her! |
| 00:41:32 | ROSE: | We took a bus! It was harrowing! |
| 00:41:34 | JOEL: | Psst! |
| 00:41:46 | WES: | And we're back in five, four, three… |
| 00:41:54 | GORDON: | And we're back, ladies and gentlemen. This is The Gordon Ford Show and I am still Gordon Ford. Now as much as I would love to take credit for everything that happens out here, I can't. There is an army of men and women toiling away in our offices back there, so that I can come out here and appear witty. Well, I thought that maybe you might want to meet one of them tonight. Would you like that? So help me welcome to The Gordon Ford Show, our resident lady writer. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Midge. |
| 00:42:30 | MIDGE: | (chuckles) |
| 00:42:32 | GORDON: | Hello, Midge. |
| 00:42:33 | MIDGE: | Hello. |
| 00:42:34 | GORDON: | Now you've been here on the show five months now. So I've gotta ask the question everyone's thinking. In your own words, what do you think of the boss? |
| 00:42:43 | MIDGE: | He's great, Gordon. |
| 00:42:45 | GORDON: | Handsome? |
| 00:42:46 | MIDGE: | Very. |
| 00:42:47 | GORDON: | Charming? |
| 00:42:48 | MIDGE: | Like the prince. |
| 00:42:49 | GORDON: | Skillful juggler? Good with kids? |
| 00:42:50 | MIDGE: | All of the above. |
| 00:42:52 | GORDON: | Midge is one of six writers on my writing staff. Now, you may all be wondering what exactly is it that television writers do? Well, each morning, they gather in the writers room, they have bagels and coffee, they read the papers, they pretend to know how to pass a football, and then just about now… they start thinking of tonight's monologue. Always prepared, right? |
| 00:43:12 | MIKE: | I can feel your eyes burning a hole through my head. |
| 00:43:14 | SUSIE: | You're lucky I'm not staring at your balls. |
| 00:43:16 | GORDON: | So, Midge, as our resident lady writer, let me ask you, what's the difference between a male writer and a female writer? |
| 00:43:23 | MIDGE: | Oh. Uh… |
| 00:43:25 | GORDON: | While you think of that, let's meet the rest of the writing staff. Jerry, turn that camera around. Ladies and gentlemen, that's Ralph Emerson, Cecil Green, Adam Portnoy, Mel Rubens, and my head writer Alvin Blank. The writers of The Gordon Ford Show. My band of merry men. |
| 00:43:39 | SHIRLEY: | Hi! Hi! |
| 00:43:41 | GORDON: | All right, bring it back around on me. Okay, where were we? Oh, yes, the differences between male writers and female writers. |
| 00:43:49 | MIDGE: | Female writers write a lot more jokes about horses, Gordon. And poisoning our husbands. And we like to be held after we pitch. |
| 00:43:58 | GORDON: | Okay. And now a word from our sponsor. |
| 00:44:01 | MIKE: | What? |
| 00:44:01 | WES: | What? |
| 00:44:02 | GORDON: | Go to commercial. |
| 00:44:03 | MIKE: | What commercial? |
| 00:44:04 | GORDON: | Find a commercial. |
| 00:44:07 | MIKE: | (panicked muttering) |
| 00:44:11 | MIDGE: | That's it? |
| 00:44:12 | GORDON: | Leave 'em wanting more. |
| 00:44:17 | WES: | And we are out for commercial, ladies and gentlemen. |
| 00:44:20 | MIKE: | Stay on the stool. What are you doing? You still have four minutes left on the bit. |
| 00:44:22 | GORDON: | The bit was done. I threw to commercial. |
| 00:44:24 | MIKE: | I know you threw to commercial. You weren't supposed to throw to commercial. Not for another four minutes. |
| 00:44:27 | GORDON: | So I threw early. |
| 00:44:28 | MIKE: | Four minutes early! |
| 00:44:30 | GORDON: | Look, I'll just wrap the show after the commercial. |
| 00:44:32 | MIKE: | You have four minutes after the commercial. Are you listening? I know I keep saying it. |
| 00:44:36 | GORDON: | I'll vamp. |
| 00:44:37 | MIKE: | For four minutes? Who are you, Mae West? |
| 00:44:39 | GORDON: | What do you want from me? |
| 00:44:40 | MIKE: | I want four minutes from you. Content! Bring out another writer. Interview the stage manager. Interview Plum. What the hell is Plum doing here? |
| 00:44:47 | SHIRLEY: | They never go to commercial this early. They have three minutes and 56 seconds left in this segment. I time it. |
| 00:44:58 | JOEL: | What the hell is she doing on a stool? |
| 00:45:00 | SUSIE: | Everything backfired. |
| 00:45:01 | JOEL: | What did you do? |
| 00:45:02 | SUSIE: | Why is everything automatically my…? Yeah, okay, it was me. I had a friend talk Gordon into putting her on the show, and since he's a baby driven solely by his ego and paper-thin nutsack, he bumped her from a stand-up spot to the stool. And then she gets a laugh from the audience, so my guess is he shit his diaper. |
| 00:45:18 | GORDON: | Fine. I will do four more minutes of stool work. Happy? |
| 00:45:22 | MIKE: | She's funny, Gordon. You're the one who hired her in the first place. Because you thought she was funny. Four more minutes after commercial. |
| 00:45:30 | MIDGE: | But… |
| 00:45:31 | MIKE: | Midge, please. Four more minutes, and then we can all go get drunk or go to bed or drive a car into a wall. Might do all three, myself. |
| 00:45:38 | MIDGE: | Fine. |
| 00:45:39 | MIKE: | Thank you. |
| 00:45:41 | IMOGENE: | Archie, I'm here! |
| 00:45:42 | ARCHIE: | Finally! |
| 00:45:43 | IMOGENE: | I know. Did I miss it? What did she do? |
| 00:45:44 | JOEL: | She sat on a stool. |
| 00:45:45 | IMOGENE: | Oh, good. She can do that. Hi. We're married. |
| 00:45:53 | ROSE: | Miriam! Miriam! |
| 00:45:55 | ABE: | Miriam, over here! Miriam, I have to say, though not a word of any note has come out of your mouth, it is still very exciting to see you sitting on that stool. |
| 00:46:10 | MIDGE: | Thank you, Papa. |
| 00:46:13 | ROSE: | Miriam. |
| 00:46:15 | MIDGE: | You know you can get pregnant squatting like that. |
| 00:46:17 | ROSE: | I told you that one time, and you've never let me forget it. |
| 00:46:21 | MIDGE: | Because it was a doozy. |
| 00:46:22 | ROSE: | I just want you to know, I'm very touched that you had so many people ask me to come here tonight. |
| 00:46:27 | MIDGE: | Well, it was supposed to be a big night for me. I didn't want you to miss it. |
| 00:46:32 | ROSE: | Supposed to be? |
| 00:46:33 | MIDGE: | Is. It is a big night for me. |
| 00:46:36 | PLUM: | Um… they want you back in place? |
| 00:46:40 | MIDGE: | Is that a question, Plum? |
| 00:46:42 | PLUM: | No. |
| 00:46:45 | MIDGE: | I'll see you later, Mama. |
| 00:46:47 | IMOGENE: | Midge! Beret! |
| 00:46:51 | WES: | And we're back in two minutes, everyone. Please stay in your seats. |
| 00:47:27 | GORDON: | (sighs) |
| 00:47:31 | MIKE: | We can fight about this tomorrow. I mean, it's for four more… Stool, stool, stool. |
| 00:47:34 | MIDGE: | Mike, can I talk to Susie for a second? |
| 00:47:36 | MIKE: | One second. One literal second. |
| 00:47:38 | SUSIE: | What's going on? Are you thinking? 'Cause it looks like you're thinking or passing a stone. |
| 00:47:41 | MIDGE: | Susie, I have four more minutes left. Four minutes. |
| 00:47:44 | SUSIE: | Okay. |
| 00:47:45 | MIDGE: | Four minutes. You hearing me? |
| 00:47:47 | SUSIE: | Yes. Four minutes. |
| 00:47:48 | MIDGE: | Four minutes. |
| 00:47:49 | SUSIE: | Four minutes. You've got four minutes. |
| 00:47:50 | MIDGE: | Four. |
| 00:47:51 | SUSIE: | I am gonna punch you in the nose. I don't care how it will look on TV. |
| 00:47:55 | MIDGE: | I'm thinking about doing something, Susie, something reckless that could go very badly for both of us. |
| 00:47:59 | SUSIE: | Yeah? |
| 00:48:00 | MIDGE: | It could ruin us. Definitely me, and you by extension. |
| 00:48:05 | SUSIE: | Okay. |
| 00:48:07 | MIDGE: | I just… |
| 00:48:09 | WES: | 60 seconds. |
| 00:48:16 | MIDGE: | What do you think? |
| 00:48:20 | SUSIE: | Look, you started your career by getting up on a stage that no one told you to get up on, saying a bunch of shit that no one wanted you to say, so… tits up. |
| 00:48:30 | MIDGE: | Tits up. |
| 00:48:39 | SUSIE: | Buckle up, Mikey. |
| 00:48:44 | WES: | 30 seconds. Everybody back in their seats, please. |
| 00:48:55 | MIDGE: | I want you to know it was not my intention to force your hand. I had hoped you would want to put me on someday. |
| 00:49:01 | GORDON: | This isn't personal, it's just… It was not handled well. |
| 00:49:06 | MIDGE: | Mm-hmm. |
| 00:49:07 | GORDON: | And you know the rule. |
| 00:49:08 | MIDGE: | I do. |
| 00:49:09 | WES: | And we are back in five, four, three… |
| 00:49:13 | MIDGE: | I've just never been great at following rules. |
| 00:49:22 | GORDON: | And we are back with our lady writer. So, Midge, something's been nagging at me ever since you came aboard. The coffee in the writers' room is so much better than in the break room, why is that? |
| 00:49:33 | MIDGE: | I wouldn't know, Gordon, because - fun fact - I am not actually a writer. |
| 00:49:39 | GORDON: | What? |
| 00:49:40 | MIDGE: | I'm a comedienne. I've only been pretending to be a writer so I'd have a bathroom to use in Midtown. So, why don't I just get up and do what I came here to do, huh? |
| 00:49:54 | GORDON: | Where are you going? |
| 00:49:56 | MIDGE: | We'll find out. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. What's happening here is a Jewish hijacking. There's no planes involved, no one wants to go to Cuba. My only demand is four minutes of airtime, and a ride to the doctor when I'm old. That's the nice thing about the Jews. We only hijack a conversation. So, I am not actually supposed to be up here right now, talking to you all. I broke a pretty big rule when I left that stool. But lately, I've been doing a lot of things I'm not supposed to. Like becoming a comic. That was a surprise. To everyone. Me, especially. I was just a wife and a mother on the Upper West Side… |
| 00:50:39 | MAN: | Woo-hoo! |
| 00:50:40 | MIDGE: | Upper West Side? Really? My parents are in the audience tonight. Compare notes on the parking situation. My father's got a whole conspiracy theory going on… |
| 00:50:48 | ABE: | It's not a theory. There's a lot of Jews on the Upper West Side and not nearly enough parking spaces. Connect the dots. |
| 00:50:54 | MIDGE: | …so I was just a wife and a mother and then one day, my husband left me. On Yom Kippur. The holy day when Jews fast to atone for their sins? That's the day he chose to leave me. For his secretary. I can't really blame him, though. She had some mints in her purse. |
| 00:51:10 | SHIRLEY: | (laughs) |
| 00:51:12 | MIDGE: | I'll admit, it was really terrible for a while. But then the sun set and I could eat again. Suddenly, I was single. I wasn't raised to be single. I didn't know what to do, so I drank my weight in Manischewitz, stumbled onto a stage, grabbed a microphone, and in that moment everything changed. I discovered what it felt like to have people listen to me. Well, not men, but other people. Well, not my mother, but everybody else. Okay, not my children, my dates, employers, coworkers, the new butcher, but strangers. Strangers love me. Yeah. |
| 00:51:52 | SUSIE: | (chuckles) How the hell did you get there? |
| 00:51:55 | ALFIE: | I'm magic. |
| 00:51:58 | MIDGE: | Actually, I should be grateful that my husband cheated with the person that he did. Because she was, as they say in the American Journal of Medicine, an idiot. |
| 00:52:07 | GORDON: | (snorts involuntarily in amusement) |
| 00:52:08 | MIDGE: | And I'm not just saying that because she slept with my husband. I'm saying that because I saw her ask a plastic plant in the office if it wanted some water. And then waited for an answer. For ten full minutes. And then went to the coffeepot and asked why the plant was mad at her. So when your husband leaves you for that, it softens the blow. It feels good that after their first cocktail party appearance, people call you saying, “What was he thinking? She apologized to the ashtray every time she put out a cigarette.” |
| 00:52:34 | ARCHIE: | (laughs) |
| 00:52:35 | JOEL: | Did you do that? |
| 00:52:36 | ARCHIE: | We did. |
| 00:52:37 | IMOGENE: | From the party. |
| 00:52:38 | MIDGE: | I've been single for a while now. Quite a while. (chuckles) If I ever do remarry, my mother's going to have to give me “the talk” again to refresh my memory. I'm actually not sure if a permanent relationship is even in the cards for me anymore. I mean, I work at night. I come home reeking of cigarettes and booze with lipstick on my collar… mine. And the men in my life are no longer boyfriends or lovers. They're bits. Fodder for my act. If they kiss loud or have nicknames for their body parts… like their feet. Come on, we sell soap here. If we have an argument on a Friday, Saturday night I'm recreating it for the Shriners, who are always on my side and think I can do better. Plus I come with kids. Two. A boy and a girl. Their names are on the tip of my tongue. We're a Jewish household, so my son was circumcised a week after he was born. My daughter's trauma will have to wait until she's old enough to go clothes shopping with my mother. |
| 00:53:37 | ABE: | (chuckles) |
| 00:53:38 | ROSE: | Well, that's fair. |
| 00:53:39 | MIDGE: | I do know that because of my situation, my daughter is gonna grow up different than I did. She's gonna be tougher. More independent. That's a terrifying word. Independent. Especially for women. It was not a word we were supposed to be familiar with. I wasn't. My mother wasn't. But I'm on my own now. So if I want that flat tire changed… well, clearly someone else is gonna do it. I'm independent, not an idiot. I haven't talked to a plastic plant in months. My kids, God, I promise their names will come to me. I think it's inevitable that they will hate me when they grow up. Like every other parent, I spend sleepless nights imagining what my kids are gonna say about me to their psychiatrists. Right? You've done this. “She wasn't home.” “She missed my baseball game.” “She made me listen to her tight ten for a week before she opened in Toledo and then had us heckle her for three hours so she had some practiced comebacks. And our drinks were watered-down!” |
| 00:54:36 | GORDON: | (laughs) |
| 00:54:40 | MIDGE: | That's why I need to get really famous. If you're really famous, everybody loves you. At least until the will is read. (chuckles) I heard a story about Mary Martin, Broadway star. Her driver got sick, so she had to take a cab to the theater she was performing at. She gets in, cabbie asks her where she's going. She has no idea. No idea where the theater is or what it's called. She is too famous to know. She is so famous that, eventually, someone will notice she's missing and just come find her. All she has to do is stand still. That's the kind of fame I want. Where I never have to know who I am or where I'm going. Where one day Bob Hope walks up to me at a restaurant and says, “Hi, I'm Bob Hope. You probably don't remember meeting me,” and I say, “Of course I do. I'll have the chicken.” I want a big life. I want to experience everything. I want to break every single rule there is. They say ambition is an unattractive trait in a woman. Maybe. But you know what's really unattractive? Waiting around for something to happen. Staring out a window, thinking the life you should be living is out there somewhere but not being willing to open the door and go get it. Even if someone tells you you can't. Being a coward is only cute in The Wizard of Oz. Ethan and Esther! I knew it would come to me eventually. Oh! |
| 00:56:08 | GORDON: | (laughs) |
| 00:56:08 | MIDGE: | Huh. (laughs) |
| 00:56:15 | ALVIN: | Yeah. (chuckles) |
| 00:56:20 | MIDGE: | You have been an amazing audience! I want to thank you, I want to thank Gordon Ford, and, most importantly, I want to thank Bergdorf Goodman from the bottom of my heart. Thank you and good night! |
| 00:56:40 | SHIRLEY: | I just wish she'd worn a different dress. |
| 00:56:43 | IMOGENE: | You did it, Midge, whoo! |
| 00:56:44 | MIDGE: | (laughs) (sighs) |
| 00:56:52 | MIKE: | Holy shit. |
| 00:56:53 | SUSIE: | Holy shit. |
| 00:56:54 | GORDON: | Well, don't just stand there! Get over here, Maisel. Let's go! |
| 00:57:03 | ALVIN: | Wow. |
| 00:57:04 | RALPH: | (laughs) |
| 00:57:11 | GORDON: | Ah! |
| 00:57:12 | MIDGE: | (laughs) |
| 00:57:13 | GORDON: | Sit down. Right now. Whew. (laughs) |
| 00:57:19 | MIDGE: | (sighs) |
| 00:57:20 | GORDON: | Whew. |
| 00:57:21 | MIDGE: | (giggles) |
| 00:57:23 | GORDON: | Where on earth did that come from? |
| 00:57:25 | MIDGE: | It was always there, Gordon. You just had to ask. |
| 00:57:27 | GORDON: | Oh. Well, that was just terrific. Really great. And I have to say, I agree with you… You are definitely not a writer. |
| 00:57:35 | MIDGE: | That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. |
| 00:57:39 | GORDON: | I have been hoist by my own petard, folks. I knew this lady was funny, but I did not know how funny. |
| 00:57:44 | MIDGE: | I'm just grateful you didn't turn the cameras off. |
| 00:57:46 | GORDON: | Oh, we did. You can recreate it, can't you? |
| 00:57:48 | MIDGE: | Absolutely. Mm-hmm. |
| 00:57:50 | GORDON: | Folks, I don't actually think you got a proper introduction to this very, very funny lady here. And I am gonna remedy that right now. Ladies and gentlemen, making her first - but definitely not last - appearance on The Gordon Ford Show, may I present the magnificent… the magical… The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. |
| 00:58:13 | MIDGE: | (giggles) |
| 00:58:17 | ROSE: | There she is. |
| 00:58:17 | SHIRLEY: | That's the mother of my granddaughter. |
| 00:58:18 | ROSE: | That's my daughter. |
| 00:58:18 | SHIRLEY: | Right there. |
| 00:58:19 | JOEL: | That's my ex-wife. |
| 00:58:20 | ARCHIE: | That's my best friend's ex-wife. |
| 00:58:21 | JOEL: | That's my ex-wife! (chuckles) |
| 00:58:30 | MIDGE: | (laughs) |
| 00:58:45 | GORDON: | You're fired. |
| 00:58:51 | MIDGE: | (chuckles softly) |
| 00:58:56 | SUSIE: | (exhales) |
| 00:59:01 | MIDGE: | (sighs) |
| 00:59:19 | LENNY: | Yeah, remember, indecipherable. |
| 00:59:22 | MIDGE: | This makes no sense. |
| 00:59:23 | LENNY: | Do you want me to teach you how to be famous or not? |
| 00:59:25 | MIDGE: | After you learn, maybe. |
| 00:59:26 | LENNY: | Okay, this is not the behavior of someone who's been eating gratis salt and pepper shrimp all night. |
| 00:59:30 | MIDGE: | But if someone asks for your autograph, they should be able to read your name. |
| 00:59:33 | LENNY: | No. Wrong. If they can read your name, they will feel cheated. They will know you are real. That you went to school. That you can write a check. |
| 00:59:40 | MIDGE: | Okay. Here. What do you think? |
| 00:59:42 | LENNY: | What's this? |
| 00:59:43 | MIDGE: | My autograph. |
| 00:59:44 | LENNY: | I see at least three letters very clearly. Again. |
| 00:59:49 | MIDGE: | Who taught you how to be famous? |
| 00:59:51 | LENNY: | I was born famous. |
| 00:59:52 | MIDGE: | I see. |
| 00:59:53 | LENNY: | I floated down the Nile in a basket stuffed with greasepaint and a copy of the trades. |
| 00:59:57 | MIDGE: | That's a terrific story. |
| 00:59:58 | LENNY: | I made it up myself. You want to hear the one about the tap dancing locusts? You want anything else? |
| 01:00:04 | MIDGE: | Is there anything else? |
| 01:00:05 | LENNY: | Just the check. |
| 01:00:07 | MIDGE: | Thank you for the feast. |
| 01:00:09 | LENNY: | You're welcome. |
| 01:00:10 | MIDGE: | It's been a great night. |
| 01:00:12 | LENNY: | I concur. |
| 01:00:13 | MIDGE: | Is it still snowing? |
| 01:00:15 | LENNY: | Well, if it is… there won't be any cabs. Trains will be spotty. You might have to seek shelter somewhere nearby until it clears up. |
| 01:00:24 | MIDGE: | I already sought shelter earlier, and now I have to go to confession in the morning. |
| 01:00:28 | LENNY: | Last booth on the left knows Hebrew. |
| 01:00:33 | MIDGE: | Well? What about this? |
| 01:00:36 | LENNY: | Oh, nice. That's practically Sanskrit. |
| 01:00:37 | MIDGE: | Ah! |
| 01:00:39 | LENNY: | Okay, now we should work on ignoring people who you obviously know when they're standing two feet away from you. All the famous people do it. |
| 01:00:47 | MIDGE: | What makes you so sure I'm gonna be really famous? |
| 01:00:49 | LENNY: | Mm, it's just a hunch. I've seen your act. I watched you escape a police raid. |
| 01:00:56 | MIDGE: | So, running and talking. |
| 01:00:58 | LENNY: | You have many skills. |
| 01:01:00 | MIDGE: | I think my show corset turned your head. |
| 01:01:02 | LENNY: | My head turned a long time ago. It's why I keep pulling to the right. |
| 01:01:07 | MIDGE: | I don't know. I hope you're right, because I don't have a plan B. All my eggs are in one big basket. |
| 01:01:15 | LENNY: | Mm, allow me. |
| 01:01:17 | MIDGE: | God, I love a man who steals my food. |
| 01:01:21 | LENNY: | “A spotlight waits for you center stage. All you have to do is step up and claim it.” |
| 01:01:26 | MIDGE: | Wow. |
| 01:01:27 | LENNY: | “Once you do, everyone will know who you are. They will know your wit, your intellect, your smile. Your great, expressive eyes. They will be helpless to your charms.” |
| 01:01:39 | MIDGE: | That must be some very small writing. |
| 01:01:41 | LENNY: | “They will fall at your feet and worship at the altar of you and your show corset.” |
| 01:01:46 | MIDGE: | Can I see that fortune? |
| 01:01:47 | LENNY: | Oh, no. If someone sees you can read, they'll never let you be famous. |
| 01:01:54 | MIDGE: | “Your lucky numbers are 46, 24, 11, 6 and 5.” |
| 01:02:00 | LENNY: | It's all how you read it. You mark my words. Very soon, in the not too distant future… you will be paying for the Chinese food. |
| 01:02:25 | DELIA: | The week of the 24th, you go to Orlando and Palm Beach. Those dates are firm. Then you have Chicago, Minneapolis and possibly Vegas for two weeks. |
| 01:02:32 | MIDGE: | So far apart. All that travel. |
| 01:02:33 | (muffled stomping) | |
| 01:02:34 | DELIA: | Charo offered her plane. |
| 01:02:36 | MIDGE: | Oh, well, that's fine, then. What about the Palace? |
| 01:02:38 | DELIA: | We are working on the Palace. They're still talking December. |
| 01:02:41 | MIDGE: | I don't want to be in London for the holidays. |
| 01:02:42 | DELIA: | I know that. |
| 01:02:43 | MIDGE: | I want to be in New York for the holidays. |
| 01:02:44 | DELIA: | We have relayed the message. |
| 01:02:46 | MIDGE: | I'm never in New York for the holidays, and this year I want to be in New York for the holidays. |
| 01:02:49 | DELIA: | I hear you. New York for the holidays. Period. |
| 01:02:52 | MIDGE: | However, if that's the only time that works, then December's fine. |
| 01:02:54 | FRANKLIN: | The building says there's nothing they can do about the noise. |
| 01:02:56 | MIDGE: | They've been jumping around for hours down there. It's like Ruby Keeler moved in. |
| 01:03:00 | FRANKLIN: | I'll knock on the door and see what's up. |
| 01:03:01 | MIDGE: | Tell them Yoko's complaining. That'll shut 'em up. Now, before we break, what am I doing on Tuesday? |
| 01:03:06 | DELIA: | Nothing. |
| 01:03:08 | MIDGE: | Oh. Well, are we working on booking something? |
| 01:03:10 | DELIA: | No. But you are working Sunday, Monday and Wednesday, though. Traveling Thursday. |
| 01:03:14 | MIDGE: | But what about Tuesday? |
| 01:03:15 | DELIA: | You can rest on Tuesday. |
| 01:03:17 | (muffled scraping sounds) | |
| 01:03:19 | DELIA: | Let me make some calls. |
| 01:03:22 | FRANKLIN: | You press here, bring up the menu, scroll over to the envelope icon, click, then write your message. |
| 01:03:27 | MIDGE: | Why don't I just call them? |
| 01:03:28 | FRANKLIN: | Sometimes you want to text. |
| 01:03:29 | MIDGE: | When? |
| 01:03:29 | FRANKLIN: | When you're late. |
| 01:03:30 | MIDGE: | I can call when I'm late. |
| 01:03:31 | FRANKLIN: | It's just a fun thing your phone can do. Like take pictures. |
| 01:03:34 | MIDGE: | My camera takes pictures. |
| 01:03:35 | FRANKLIN: | What if you don't have your camera? |
| 01:03:36 | MIDGE: | I commit it to memory. |
| 01:03:37 | FRANKLIN: | It also takes videos. |
| 01:03:38 | MIDGE: | Does it have the nuclear codes? Can I bomb somebody? |
| 01:03:40 | FRANKLIN: | No, you can't. |
| 01:03:41 | MIDGE: | What about aliens? Can I communicate with aliens? |
| 01:03:42 | FRANKLIN: | Not with the phone. Can I just show you how to write a message? |
| 01:03:44 | MIDGE: | You can certainly try. |
| 01:03:45 | FRANKLIN: | So you scroll down to a number and then you click on that number until it goes to the letter you want and then… |
| 01:03:49 | MIDGE: | Enjoy the phone, Franklin! |
| 01:03:50 | FRANKLIN: | (sighs) |
| 01:05:53 | SUSIE: | Hold on. I got shit everywhere. |
| 01:05:55 | MIDGE: | Literal shit or metaphorical shit? |
| 01:05:57 | SUSIE: | Uh, the fucking cleaning lady moved everything around. |
| 01:05:58 | WHORE: | (squawks) |
| 01:06:00 | SUSIE: | Can't find my TV glasses. |
| 01:06:02 | MIDGE: | Look in the box on the flower table. |
| 01:06:04 | SUSIE: | Don't pretend that you know everything. |
| 01:06:06 | MIDGE: | Box on the flower table. |
| 01:06:08 | SUSIE: | You don't know everything! |
| 01:06:10 | MIDGE: | She didn't move them. She never moves them. Look in the box on the flower table. |
| 01:06:13 | SUSIE: | You know, a whole continent away from you is not enough space. |
| 01:06:18 | MIDGE: | Did you find them? |
| 01:06:20 | SUSIE: | No. Did your machine tape it okay? |
| 01:06:24 | MIDGE: | Yes. I got it fixed. |
| 01:06:26 | SUSIE: | Did you check it? |
| 01:06:27 | MIDGE: | I checked it. It works. Now, remind me, what happened yesterday? |
| 01:06:31 | SUSIE: | Oh. Uh, they booted the guy who didn't know which character Danny Bonaduce played on The Partridge Family. |
| 01:06:38 | MIDGE: | Well, I wouldn't have known that. |
| 01:06:40 | SUSIE: | It's Danny. Jesus Christ. Alright, you got it? |
| 01:06:44 | MIDGE: | I got it. You got it? |
| 01:06:45 | SUSIE: | I got it. I'm putting it in. |
| 01:06:48 | MIDGE: | I'm putting it in. |
| 01:06:49 | SUSIE: | Still putting it in. |
| 01:06:50 | MIDGE: | I'm in. |
| 01:06:51 | SUSIE: | I'm in! |
| 01:06:52 | MIDGE: | Now, don't press before I press. |
| 01:06:54 | SUSIE: | Every fucking time. |
| 01:06:56 | MIDGE: | Because we have to hear the answers at the same time. |
| 01:06:58 | SUSIE: | I know! |
| 01:06:59 | MIDGE: | And if you get ahead, then you hear the answer before I do. |
| 01:07:02 | SUSIE: | I fucking know! We'll press it at the same time. Jesus. (grunts) Could've watched the whole show by now. |
| 01:07:09 | MIDGE: | Oh! Susie, did you get my bird? |
| 01:07:12 | SUSIE: | (gasps) The red one? She's gorgeous. I've never seen anything like her. |
| 01:07:17 | WHORE: | (squawks) |
| 01:07:18 | SUSIE: | I named her Whore. I didn't thank you for that? |
| 01:07:21 | MIDGE: | You're welcome. You ready? |
| 01:07:23 | SUSIE: | I am ready. Okay, one, two, three, go. |
| 01:07:28 | MIDGE: | Go. Such a pleasant tune. |
| 01:07:33 | SUSIE: | Mm, really pleasant tune. |
| 01:07:36 | JOHNNY: | The Ultimate Tournament of Champions. Will it be a retail specialist from Louisville, Kentucky, Chris Miller, who, yesterday, won ten thousand dollars? An investment analyst… |
| 01:07:48 | MIDGE: | They had a meeting here and we're going over dates and I look down. Tuesday's empty. |
| 01:07:52 | SUSIE: | Oops. Feel sorry for Delia. |
| 01:07:54 | MIDGE: | I mean, it's wide open, Susie. And when I questioned it, she looked at me like I'm insane. |
| 01:07:59 | SUSIE: | (chuckles) You want me to call her? |
| 01:08:01 | MIDGE: | I want you to come back to work. |
| 01:08:03 | SUSIE: | I've done my time. I'll call her tomorrow. I think I'm gonna take the champ. |
| 01:08:08 | MIDGE: | Okay. I got bushy beard man. |
| 01:08:10 | ALEX: | Here we go, the “Jeopardy!” round. |
| 01:08:12 | MIDGE: | Gonna be a good match. Should we make it a little more interesting? |
| 01:08:15 | SUSIE: | It's been interesting for 45 years. I'm not sure how we're gonna top it now. |
| 01:08:19 | JOHN: | Let's do… Forbes' Billionaires, $200. |
| 01:08:22 | ALEX: | March was a great month for her: she made her debut on the Forbes list… |
| 01:08:26 | SUSIE: | Oh… |
| 01:08:26 | MIDGE: | Martha Stewart. |
| 01:08:27 | SUSIE: | …The chick who went to jail 'cause she's a broad, even though every other guy who does the same fucking thing is walking around completely free. |
| 01:08:32 | BRAD: | Who is Martha Stewart? |
| 01:08:32 | ALEX: | Yes. |
| 01:08:33 | BRAD: | Billionaires for $600. |
| 01:08:34 | SUSIE: | I think he would've given me that one. |
| 01:08:36 | ALEX: | …but this septuagenarian member of the Disney family is still on it. John? |
| 01:08:40 | JOHN: | Who is Roy Disney? |
| 01:08:41 | ALEX: | Roy Disney. |
| 01:08:42 | SUSIE: | Oh, he's a nice man. |
| 01:08:43 | BRAD: | Predators for $600. |
| 01:08:44 | ALEX: | Are we gonna keep… |
| 01:08:45 | MIDGE: | How do you think I'd look in a goatee? |
| 01:08:46 | SUSIE: | Why would that even occur to you? |
| 01:08:48 | MIDGE: | Well, if there is reincarnation, I could come back as a man and I want to have a look. |
| 01:08:52 | SUSIE: | Are you bald? |
| 01:08:53 | MIDGE: | Why? |
| 01:08:54 | SUSIE: | Because I think if you're bald, it's weird if all the hair you have is under your chin. Hmm? Goatee looks better with a full head of hair. |
| 01:09:00 | MIDGE: | That is ridiculous. |
| 01:09:02 | SUSIE: | That is ridiculous? Not this entire conversation? |
| 01:09:04 | MIDGE: | You don't ever imagine what you'd come back as if you came back? |
| 01:09:07 | SUSIE: | No. I still have all my marbles. |
| 01:09:10 | MIDGE: | I think about it all the time. Who would I be? Where would I live? What if I was an animal? |
| 01:09:14 | SUSIE: | Oh, boy. |
| 01:09:15 | MIDGE: | I think I'd make a cute squirrel. Or a swan. Or a wild mustang. I'd be a great wild mustang. What about you? |
| 01:09:22 | SUSIE: | I am not coming back as anything. |
| 01:09:24 | MIDGE: | Oh come on. |
| 01:09:25 | SUSIE: | I am fine being dead. I prefer it. |
| 01:09:27 | MIDGE: | Any animal, what would you be? |
| 01:09:29 | SUSIE: | (sighs) Skunk. |
| 01:09:32 | MIDGE: | (scoffs) Why? |
| 01:09:33 | SUSIE: | Mm, great fur. Cute face. And your ass is a weapon. |
| 01:09:36 | MIDGE: | (snorts) That does seem like you. |
| 01:09:38 | SUSIE: | (chuckles) Right? Walking down the street, someone bumps me, turn, tail up… bam! |
| 01:09:43 | MIDGE: | (snorts) I can picture it. |
| 01:09:44 | SUSIE: | (chuckles) Yeah. And I look back over my shoulder while I do it. |
| 01:09:47 | MIDGE: | And you're wearing your cap. |
| 01:09:49 | SUSIE: | (laughs) That's right, buddy. That smell? That's you. Enjoy your tomato juice bath. |
| 01:09:55 | MIDGE: | Tomato juice bath. (laughs) |
| 01:09:56 | SUSIE: | (laughs) Yeah, throw-throw a celery stalk in there. You're gonna be a while. |
| 01:10:01 | MIDGE: | (laughs) Celery stalk. (laughs) |
| 01:10:04 | SUSIE: | Next time, you're gonna look where you're walking. |
| 01:10:05 | MIDGE: | (laughs) |
| 01:10:06 | SUSIE: | Huh? (laughs) Pepé Le Jew over here, huh? |
| 01:10:11 | MIDGE: | (laughs) |
| 01:10:13 | SUSIE: | (laughs) |
| 01:10:20 | MIDGE: | Oh, it hurts. Stop. |
| 01:10:21 | SUSIE: | (laughs) |
| 01:10:22 | MIDGE and SUSIE: | (laughing) |
See Also
s5e9_transcript.txt · Last modified: 2026/08/13 22:05 by 127.0.0.1