Susan (Transcript)
Episode Number	5.4
Written By	Amy Sherman-Palladino
Previous Transcript	Typos and Torsos
Next Transcript	The Pirate Queen

Susan (Transcript)

This is the transcript for Susan, the fourth episode of the fifth and final season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

Transcript

00:00:11	MARILYNS:	♪ Who takes this town from brown to beds of green and rose? Thanks to New York City Turf and Landscape Pros, everything grows! Who makes some room… ♪
00:00:28	LEAF BLOWERS:	♪ Mow the lawn ♪
00:00:30	MARILYNS:	♪ …to bloom. ♪
00:00:30	LEAF BLOWERS:	♪ Trim the trees. Never fret or fuss. ♪
00:00:32	MARILYNS:	♪ Where more construction goes. ♪
00:00:34	LEAF BLOWERS:	♪ That's how it goes. ♪
00:00:36	MARILYNS:	♪ Thank you, New York City Turf. ♪
00:00:37	LEAF BLOWERS:	♪ Moving on, like the bees. Knowing thanks to us. ♪
00:00:40	MARILYNS:	♪ That's how it goes. ♪
00:00:41	LEAF BLOWERS & MARILYNS:	♪ Everything grows! ♪
00:00:43	MARILYNS:	♪ That's how it goes. ♪
00:00:45	LEAF BLOWERS & MARILYNS:	♪ Everything grows! ♪
00:00:48	TULIPS:	(vocalizing)
00:00:54	TULIP:	(grunting)
00:00:57	STEVEN:	All right, stop! Stop!
00:00:59	TULIP:	My petal got caught in the fence again. Do we have to lay down like that?
00:01:02	STEVEN:	Yes.
00:01:02	TULIP:	Can we just crouch?
00:01:03	STEVEN:	You haven't bloomed yet. If you crouch, you've bloomed.
00:01:05	TULIP:	There's not enough room.
00:01:05	STEVEN:	Well, it's all the room we have, so there's plenty of room. Back to one!
00:01:08		(indistinct announcement over P.A.)
00:01:09	WOMAN:	Are we ever gonna get through this?
00:01:10	SUSIE:	Frank. Nicky.
00:01:11	NICKY:	Wow. You got here fast.
00:01:13	SUSIE:	The message said come quick.
00:01:15	NICKY:	Usually when we call people to come quick, they dillydally.
00:01:18	FRANK:	And cross state lines.
00:01:19	NICKY:	We appreciate you not making us go to Connecticut to get you back.
00:01:22	SUSIE:	So, what's the emergency?
00:01:23	FRANK:	We need a favor.
00:01:25	SUSIE:	Sure. What kind of favor?
00:01:27	FRANK:	We got a little show opening here at the Expo tomorrow. Just something fun, informative.
00:01:31	NICKY:	Excellent production values.
00:01:32	FRANK:	It is very good this year. Mm-hmm. But our lead performer just dropped out.
00:01:36	NICKY:	We can't find him.
00:01:37	SUSIE:	You tried Connecticut?
00:01:38	NICKY:	We have, actually.
00:01:39	FRANK:	Oh, he'll turn up somewhere, most likely on the shore. So, we were thinking: Midge.
00:01:44	SUSIE:	As what?
00:01:45	FRANK:	As the lead character. The lead. I thought you'd like that.
00:01:48	SUSIE:	What the hell are you talking about?
00:01:49	FRANK:	One of our affiliates is selling a product here through the forum of music and dance, and the leading part is sort of a narrator.
00:01:56	NICKY:	Like Our Town, with an edge.
00:01:58	SUSIE:	Midge is a comic. This isn't really her thing.
00:02:00	FRANK:	Could it be her thing? Just for a day?
00:02:02	SUSIE:	I don't think so.
00:02:03	FRANK:	How about… now?
00:02:06	SUSIE:	That is a very nice number, but she's got a full-time job now.
00:02:10	FRANK:	Mm. We already mentioned her to the boss. He loved the idea.
00:02:12	SUSIE:	I'm really sorry.
00:02:15	NICKY:	Oh.
00:02:19	SUSIE:	Where are you going?
00:02:20	FRANK:	Boss was counting on this. He likes to hear bad news as soon as it happens.
00:02:24	SUSIE:	Look, it's just really short notice, you know? Our Town, those people were actors. Right? And Midge isn't an actor. How about I help you find someone, huh?
00:02:38	FRANK:	Boss likes the idea of the cute dirty girl doing this. Made him smile.
00:02:42	NICKY:	A rarity, let me tell you.
00:02:44	SUSIE:	I got a magician you guys will love. His hair is long. I put him in a dress. From a distance…
00:02:49	FRANK:	Susie, this is me asking you for a favor. You understand “favor”?
00:02:54	SUSIE:	Yeah, I understand “favor.”
00:02:55	FRANK:	See, in a relationship like ours, based partly on mutual respect and partly on the fact that I did a lot of fucking favors for you - the office…
00:03:02	NICKY:	The furniture.
00:03:03	FRANK:	…the not killing you that time.
00:03:04	SUSIE:	That was a good favor.
00:03:05	FRANK:	But, see, this, when we come to you, hat in hand, asking for a favor, this is how you reciprocate. This is how payback works.
00:03:16	SUSIE:	So, I do this, it's payback.
00:03:18	FRANK:	It is, and very nice of you.
00:03:20	SUSIE:	And this counts as payback.
00:03:21	NICKY:	Definitely counts.
00:03:23	FRANK:	You wanna see the paper again?
00:03:24	SUSIE:	No. I'm good. I'll talk to Midge.
00:03:25	FRANK:	Ah. The boss will be thrilled to hear it.
00:03:28	SUSIE:	(chuckles nervously)
00:03:29	SINGERS:	♪ Everything grows! ♪
00:03:30	STEVEN:	Up on that.
00:03:32	SINGERS:	(vocalizing)
00:03:35	STEVEN:	Five, six, seven, eight. Stop!
00:03:48	MARGE:	Morning. Hair of the dog?
00:03:49	TRUDY:	(groans)
00:03:50		(phone rings)
00:03:51	DORIE:	Ow! Gordon Ford Show.
00:03:54	MARGE:	Morning. Hair of the dog? Morning. Hair of the dog? Morning. Hair of the dog? You know, everything's on backwards, dear. Take two.
00:04:05	MIDGE:	Morning, Marge.
00:04:06	MARGE:	Morning. Hair of the dog?
00:04:07	MIDGE:	What? Oh. Ew. No. What is that?
00:04:09	MARGE:	The only useful thing my mother ever taught me.
00:04:14	MIDGE:	Morning, Trudy.
00:04:15	TRUDY:	I don't ever want to be number one again.
00:04:16	MARGE:	Morning. Hair of the dog?
00:04:18	MEL:	Oh, God, that's terrible. Are you gonna drink yours?
00:04:21	RALPH:	Didn't I already?
00:04:22	MEL:	I don't think so.
00:04:24	RALPH:	Oh. Here.
00:04:26	MEL:	Oh, God, that's terrible.
00:04:27	ADAM:	I don't understand. How did I wake up in Wollman Rink? Two in the morning, there I was.
00:04:31	CECIL:	Ah. Beats me.
00:04:32	ADAM:	Had skates on. Did I skate there?
00:04:34	MEL:	At least it was a skating rink.
00:04:35	ADAM:	Yeah, but not the same rink I started out in.
00:04:37	RALPH:	I think I kissed Betty Porter.
00:04:38	CECIL:	I think I kissed Betty Porter.
00:04:39	MIDGE:	Morning, gentlemen.
00:04:41	MEL:	Did we all kiss Betty Porter?
00:04:42	MIDGE:	Betty Porter wasn't there last night.
00:04:44	MEL:	Are you sure?
00:04:45	MIDGE:	She had a baby last Tuesday.
00:04:46	MEL:	Baby?
00:04:47	CECIL:	Christ. Who did I kiss?
00:04:48	MEL:	Betty Porter was pregnant?
00:04:49	RALPH:	(groans)
00:04:50	MIDGE:	Drink up, boys.
00:04:51	MARGE:	Hair of the dog?
00:04:52	ALVIN:	No, thank you.
00:04:53	MIDGE:	Morning, boss.
00:04:54	ALVIN:	Midge, no one needs that much happiness right now.
00:04:56	MIDGE:	Sorry. Geez, no one here can hold their liquor? Really? Where have all the real men gone?
00:05:02	MARGE:	If you find out, let me know.
00:05:04	CECIL:	Hey, did you know Betty Porter was pregnant?
00:05:05	ALVIN:	What are you insinuating?
00:05:07	TRUDY:	Midge, Gordon wants to see you in the studio.
00:05:09	MIDGE:	Oh. Now?
00:05:10	TRUDY:	Uh-huh.
00:05:12	MIDGE:	Okay.
00:05:17		(phone rings)
00:05:21	DORIE:	Ow.
00:05:32	MIDGE:	You know, that's a lot more fun with a girl.
00:05:34	GORDON:	(laughs) New chair. Making sure it maneuvers just right. They think hosting a talk show is all about the charisma and the jokes, but really it's all about the chair.
00:05:45	MIDGE:	Five point eight from the Russian judge.
00:05:47	GORDON:	Let's see Jack Paar do that.
00:05:50	MIDGE:	You seem to have weathered the storm better than the rest of the group.
00:05:53	GORDON:	Mm. Scottish ancestry. And I've had three of Marge's drinks and I've thrown up twice.
00:05:57	MIDGE:	Huh.
00:05:57	GORDON:	You look good.
00:05:58	MIDGE:	I never drink and skate.
00:06:00	GORDON:	Yeah, I was a little tipsy last night.
00:06:02	MIDGE:	Were ya?
00:06:02	GORDON:	Yes.
00:06:03	MIDGE:	I might've noticed.
00:06:05	GORDON:	I just wanted to make sure that you're okay with everything. With me, actually, after the, uh, sort of, the thing with the lips that touched.
00:06:12	MIDGE:	The kiss.
00:06:13	GORDON:	Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
00:06:14	MIDGE:	I'm fine.
00:06:15	GORDON:	Good. Good, I'm fine, too. Hey, since we're both fine, what do you say we start over?
00:06:19	MIDGE:	Meaning?
00:06:20	GORDON:	Go out with me. Dinner. No ice. Solid ground.
00:06:23	MIDGE:	I'm flattered, but…
00:06:24	GORDON:	Come on. I can be quite charming when I'm not plastered and flat on my ass.
00:06:27	MIDGE:	No.
00:06:29	GORDON:	Give me one good reason.
00:06:30	MIDGE:	I can give you 30 good reasons.
00:06:32	GORDON:	Okay, well, I don't have time for 30, but give me your top ten.
00:06:34	MIDGE:	One, you are not Jewish.
00:06:36	GORDON:	Ah, I am Jewish. Changed it from Fordberg. Next.
00:06:38	MIDGE:	Two, you are my boss.
00:06:39	GORDON:	You're fired. Three.
00:06:41	MIDGE:	How about I just skip to ten? You're married.
00:06:43	GORDON:	That's number ten? Interesting. Yes, I am married but with a caveat.
00:06:48	MIDGE:	That's a new one.
00:06:49	GORDON:	It's a very specific kind of marriage. We have an understanding.
00:06:52	MIDGE:	As in, if there's a sock on the door, don't come in?
00:06:53	GORDON:	As in, she has her life and I have mine.
00:06:55	MIDGE:	That's called being single.
00:06:56	GORDON:	My wife is a great lady. I admire her, I love her, and she's very flexible.
00:07:01	MIDGE:	Contortionist?
00:07:02	GORDON:	No. Well, yes, but no.
00:07:05	MIDGE:	Jack Paar dated a girl on his show once, and then that girl was mysteriously killed.
00:07:08	GORDON:	I have never heard that story.
00:07:10	MIDGE:	Ask Jack.
00:07:10	GORDON:	I will. But even if that were true, that's very unlikely to happen to you here at 30 Rock. The worst that can happen is you get fan-kicked by a Rockette.
00:07:16	MIDGE:	I'm not going out with you.
00:07:18	GORDON:	I haven't even told you where we're going.
00:07:20	MIDGE:	It would complicate my quest to be on your show.
00:07:23	GORDON:	You are on my show.
00:07:24	MIDGE:	I mean “on” on your show.
00:07:26	GORDON:	No. You're too pretty to be “on” on my show. No one would look at me.
00:07:28	MIDGE:	Well, I plan on walking through a plate glass window later on.
00:07:30	GORDON:	You'd still be pretty.
00:07:31	DORIE:	Excuse me. Sorry, Gordon. Midge, you have a phone call.
00:07:34	MIDGE:	Thanks, Dorie. Seems I have a very important phone call.
00:07:41	GORDON:	I notice you tend to leave all of our conversations unfinished.
00:07:44	MIDGE:	I have a problem with closure. Enjoy your chair.
00:07:53	WRITERS:	(slurring “As the Caissons Go Rolling Along”)
00:08:00	MIDGE:	Hello?
00:08:01	SUSIE:	Hi. Listen. I got a weird call today from Frank and Nicky.
00:08:05	MIDGE:	Oops.
00:08:06	SUSIE:	Yeah, yeah, I thought “oops,” too, originally, but I met with them, and it may not be “oops” after all.
00:08:11	MIDGE:	Okay.
00:08:13	SUSIE:	Uh, they're doing a show at the Building New York Expo.
00:08:17	MIDGE:	Frank and Nicky are doing a show?
00:08:18	SUSIE:	Yes.
00:08:18	MIDGE:	Like performing in it?
00:08:19	SUSIE:	No, they're sort of producing it.
00:08:21	MIDGE:	Are they hands-on producers or just the money?
00:08:23	SUSIE:	None of that is important.
00:08:24	MIDGE:	Well, if you're in the show, it is.
00:08:25	SUSIE:	Can you stop your brain for one second and take in all the information before you speak?
00:08:29	MIDGE:	No.
00:08:29	SUSIE:	Fine. Listen, they got this show, someone dropped out, and they asked me for a favor.
00:08:34	MIDGE:	I'm back to “oops.”
00:08:36	SUSIE:	It's not “oops.” Enough with the “oops.” They want you to fill in.
00:08:38	MIDGE:	Is it a stand-up show?
00:08:39	SUSIE:	No. It's like an industrial show. Scripted stuff.
00:08:43	MIDGE:	I don't do scripted stuff.
00:08:44	SUSIE:	You did it on the radio.
00:08:45	MIDGE:	No one could see me on the radio. I was visibly free to panic.
00:08:48	SUSIE:	It's two shows. I'm not asking you to star in Brigadoon.
00:08:51	MIDGE:	I don't know.
00:08:53	SUSIE:	Look…
00:08:54	DINAH:	Susie Myerson and Associates. She is on another call right now.
00:08:57	SUSIE:	Okay, you were right. Frank and Nicky come with strings.
00:09:00	MIDGE:	Susie…
00:09:01	SUSIE:	Yes. Fine, I am an asshole. But here's the deal: if you do this thing for them, this one favor, it'll be considered reciprocation, meaning we're off the hook.
00:09:10	MIDGE:	I know what reciprocation means.
00:09:12	SUSIE:	Well?
00:09:13	MIDGE:	Do they know what reciprocation means?
00:09:15	SUSIE:	Yes, it means I'm not looking over my shoulder for the rest of my goddamn life.
00:09:18	MIDGE:	(sighs) And what is this thing, again?
00:09:21	SUSIE:	Oh, the thing I saw was cute. Oh, they had tulips dancing around. Girly shit. You love girly shit.
00:09:29	MIDGE:	And what about my day job?
00:09:30	SUSIE:	Tell 'em you're sick. Lady troubles.
00:09:32	MIDGE:	I am not telling them I have lady troubles.
00:09:34	SUSIE:	It's a great excuse. It could mean anything, and I can guarantee you not one guy is gonna ask you to clarify.
00:09:39	MIDGE:	Hey, what do you know about Gordon's wife?
00:09:42	SUSIE:	What?
00:09:43	MIDGE:	His wife. I think her name's Hedy.
00:09:46	SUSIE:	Nothing. Why? Nothing.
00:09:49	MIDGE:	They have a weird relationship, and I wondered if you knew the story.
00:09:51	SUSIE:	Why the fuck would I know the story? Who am I, Louella Parsons?
00:09:55	MIDGE:	She's kind of a public figure, so I thought…
00:09:57	SUSIE:	I don't know anything about wives. I don't like wives. There shouldn't be wives.
00:10:00	MIDGE:	Okay. Sorry.
00:10:02	SUSIE:	Look, are you gonna do this thing or not?
00:10:04	MIDGE:	I went to an industrial once. On a school trip. It was fun, actually. I saw a Pyrex show that changed my life.
00:10:10	SUSIE:	Uh-huh.
00:10:11	MIDGE:	Maybe I could have Joel bring the kids down to see it. It's gonna be years before I'll let them watch my real show. Longer if they're screwed up and I need them for material.
00:10:18	SUSIE:	So, you'll do it?
00:10:19	MIDGE:	Sure. Let's reciprocate.
00:10:21	SUSIE:	Thank you.
00:10:22	MIDGE:	You owe me.
00:10:23	SUSIE:	Yeah. Story of my fucking life.
00:10:25	WRITERS:	(cheering)
00:10:27	MARGE:	Hair of the dog?
00:10:29	ABE:	Mmm. Mmm! Zelda, this is delicious. What is it?
00:10:36	ZELDA:	You like it? It's an old-world recipe called…
00:10:38	ABE:	Stop! Don't tell me. Too scary. I just want to enjoy it. Miriam, pass some more of the old-world mystery stew, please.
00:10:45	MIDGE:	So pretty.
00:10:46	ROSE:	Well, we haven't been out to the theater and supper after with friends in forever. I thought it was time to break out the finery.
00:10:52	ABE:	Miriam, the bowl.
00:10:53	MIDGE:	This was Grandma's, right?
00:10:55	ROSE:	It was my grandmother's, actually. Handed down to my mother then to me.
00:10:57	MIDGE:	Then to me.
00:10:58	ROSE:	Someday.
00:10:59	MIDGE:	Yeah, someday.
00:11:01	ROSE:	Stop imagining my death.
00:11:03	MIDGE:	I'm not imagining your death.
00:11:04	ABE:	Can someone please hand me…
00:11:06	ROSE:	You're imagining those earrings on your ears, which means I'm dead.
00:11:09	MIDGE:	Maybe you just decided to give them to me for my next birthday.
00:11:11	ROSE:	No, I'm dead.
00:11:13	MIDGE:	What's the show you're going to see?
00:11:15	ROSE:	Well, it's… That's disturbing. It's something written by a friend of Abe's, right, Abe?
00:11:19	ABE:	Not a friend, exactly. He was a writer at The Voice. I knew him a little bit, but he left soon after I got there. He was a fine fellow. I think there were real friendship possibilities there, had he stayed, but he left. Long-distance relationships rarely work.
00:11:36	ROSE:	Well, I don't care who wrote it. I just want to get dressed up and go out.
00:11:39	ZELDA:	I hope everyone is roomy for dessert. It's very special. Janusz made it.
00:11:43	ROSE:	It looks lovely, Janusz.
00:11:45	JANUSZ:	It is a babka with a special rum syrup and candy violets, just like my mother used to make.
00:11:49	ROSE:	Aw.
00:11:50	JANUSZ:	The little ones are having pieces in the kitchen now. I put little plastic soldiers on theirs. They thought that was fun. (laughs)
00:11:56	MIDGE:	Oh, put it here, Zelda. I'm done. Whoa, Janusz, this seems like it has a lot of booze in it.
00:12:00	JANUSZ:	Oh, no, no, no. That's just the smell. The rum all burns off in the baking. Try. Should I put some soldiers on it for you?
00:12:06	MIDGE:	I'm a pacifist, but thank you.
00:12:08	JANUSZ:	Ah.
00:12:10	MIDGE:	(chuckles)
00:12:21	MIDGE:	(sighs softly)
00:12:23	ABE:	(snoring)
00:12:33	JANUSZ:	They'll sleep well tonight. (chortles quietly) Okay.
00:12:40		(P.A. chimes)
00:12:41	WOMAN:	(over P.A.) Building New York, where the greatest city in New York keeps getting better.
00:12:45	MAN 1:	(over speaker) How'd you get here? Don't you live on Staten Island?
00:12:48	MAN 2:	(over speaker) I took the new Verazzano Bridge.
00:12:53		(P.A. chimes)
00:12:54	WOMAN:	(over P.A.) Close your eyes. Your new dream kitchen is appearing now on the south stage. Make all your dreams come true.
00:13:08	KITCHEN HOUSEWIFE:	♪ I'm itchin' for a new dream kitchen with the top technology. Can't wait for the right refrigerator, later model so chic I'm weak in the knee. I'm shaking for some hot zone bakin' making classic cake for two. But just one thing can cure my kitchen itchin' baby's gotta make her dream come true. I'm cranky for a butler's pantry. Can't the butler be included, too? Help me please relieve my kitchen itchin' and my bakin' shakin'. Oh, this pantry, can't we go and make your baby's dream come true? Make your kitchen… ♪
00:13:59	FRANK:	There she is. The lady of the hour.
00:14:02	NICKY:	That is an excellent neckline for you, Midge.
00:14:05	MIDGE:	Same to you, Nicky.
00:14:06	FRANK:	I hope Susie expressed to you our deepest gratitude for doing this.
00:14:10	MIDGE:	She has expressed many things, yes.
00:14:13	FRANK:	Good. So, Jerome here… Where are you?
00:14:16	JEROME:	Uh…
00:14:17	FRANK:	Don't fucking hide from me. You'd think these show business types would be so outgoing, but I gotta tell you, I find them a total mess.
00:14:23	NICKY:	Shaking, crying.
00:14:24	FRANK:	Very nervous bunch. Anyhow, Jerome is our writer, and he's making some quick adjustments, emphasis on quick.
00:14:31	JEROME:	(mumbles) Very quick.
00:14:31	MIDGE:	Nice to meet you, Jerome.
00:14:32	NICKY:	Apologies for getting the pages to you so late. We had a lot of reworking to do. Anyway, here's your costume. It's got a little hat. I knew you'd like that.
00:14:41	FRANK:	Jerome, pages.
00:14:42	NICKY:	Uh, it would be terrific if you were off-book. But if you have to cheat a little, we understand.
00:14:47	FRANK:	Ah, here we are.
00:14:48	MIDGE:	Uh… what's this?
00:14:51	NICKY:	This is your stage.
00:14:52	FRANK:	Biggest one in the joint.
00:14:53	NICKY:	Had to wrestle it out from under the bricklayers.
00:14:55	FRANK:	Those motherfuckers don't budge.
00:14:56	MIDGE:	But what is waste management? I'm doing waste management?
00:15:00	FRANK:	Private demolition and waste management.
00:15:03	MIDGE:	I'm hawking garbage?
00:15:05	NICKY:	Garbage disposal.
00:15:07	MIDGE:	Huh.
00:15:08	FRANK:	You sound disappointed.
00:15:09	MIDGE:	Well, no, but I just saw the pretty kitchen and the oven that hands you a cake, and I…
00:15:13	FRANK:	Did Susie not tell you about the slip of paper? Buy yourself a cake.
00:15:16	MIDGE:	Sure.
00:15:17	FRANK:	So, you should get changed and learn those lines. Jerome. Run 'em with her.
00:15:22	JEROME:	R-r-right this…
00:15:28	MAN:	(over speaker) Next stop, the Second Avenue subway.
00:15:31	SUSIE:	Yeah, good luck with that.
00:15:33	MIDGE:	Private Demolition and Waste Management: A Musical Journey in Three Acts, 2:00 p.m. on the main stage. Private Demolition and Waste Management: A Musical Journey in Three Acts at 2:00 p.m. on the main stage.
00:15:43	SUSIE:	What the hell are you dressed as?
00:15:45	MIDGE:	I am a private demolition and waste management historian and troubadour.
00:15:49	SUSIE:	A fucking garbageman?
00:15:51	MIDGE:	Yes.
00:15:52	SUSIE:	That suit doesn't even fit you.
00:15:53	MIDGE:	It's not for me. It's for a 200-pound guy hiding out in Binghamton. And from the smell of this thing, he shit his pants before he left.
00:15:59	SUSIE:	Jesus.
00:16:00	MIDGE:	It came with a cigar stub.
00:16:01	SUSIE:	(groans)
00:16:01	MIDGE:	It's still wet.
00:16:02	SUSIE:	No.
00:16:03	MIDGE:	I am not putting it in my mouth.
00:16:04	SUSIE:	Well, at least your show's on the main stage.
00:16:06	MIDGE:	Have you seen the script?
00:16:08	SUSIE:	What is this, tears?
00:16:09	MIDGE:	It's terrible.
00:16:11	SUSIE:	Fine, so you won't win a Tony. It's a couple of days, a couple of shows, and then you and I are completely reciprocated. Right? Plus, there's the…
00:16:18	MIDGE:	Do not say “slip of paper” to me again.
00:16:20	FRANK:	Well, I have to say, you are fucking adorable in that garbage guy suit.
00:16:25	MIDGE:	Gee, you sure know how to sweet-talk a girl.
00:16:27	FRANK:	Where's the cigar stub?
00:16:28	MIDGE:	I'm having it dry-cleaned.
00:16:30	FRANK:	It's a great prop.
00:16:31	NICKY:	It says so much about the character.
00:16:32	FRANK:	Try it.
00:16:33	MIDGE:	Not without a tetanus shot.
00:16:34	FRANK:	Suit yourself. Still fucking adorable. Right, Susie?
00:16:36	SUSIE:	I'm gonna get one for myself.
00:16:38	JEROME:	It's time.
00:16:39	FRANK:	Oh, I've got butterflies. We'll be over there watching.
00:16:42	SUSIE:	So, uh, tits up, if you got tits in there.
00:16:45	MIDGE:	Wait, where are you going?
00:16:46	SUSIE:	I got some work.
00:16:48	MIDGE:	Fuck you. This is your work.
00:16:49	SUSIE:	I do not want to watch this.
00:16:51	MIDGE:	I am not reciprocating alone here.
00:16:53	JEROME:	Do you know your lines?
00:16:53	MIDGE:	No, I do not.
00:16:54	JEROME:	You're supposed to be off-book.
00:16:56	MIDGE:	I'm also supposed to be a man.
00:16:57	JEROME:	They know where my parents live.
00:16:58	MIDGE:	They know where my parents live, too, Jerome.
00:16:59	JEROME:	I should've been a pharmacist.
00:17:01	MIDGE:	Preaching to the choir, pal.
00:17:02		(P.A. chimes)
00:17:03	MAN:	(over P.A.) Private Waste Management: A Musical Journey in Three Acts starts now on the main stage. Join us, won't you?
00:17:14	ANGELIC LITTLE BOY:	Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Please bless Mommy and Daddy and my little brother. And mostly, God, please bless New York City, the greatest city in the whole wide world. I sure am lucky I live here. Amen.
00:17:38	GARBAGE MAN 1:	(whispers) Hey, guys, he's asleep.
00:17:46	SUSIE:	What are they gonna do to that little boy?
00:17:48	GARBAGE MAN 2:	♪ Who do you call to haul the trash the city trucks won't touch? ♪
00:17:52	GARBAGE MAN 1:	♪ Who's got the hard-won know-how with things hazardous and such? ♪
00:17:57	GARBAGE MAN 3:	♪ Who comes at night staying out of sight and gone by break of day? ♪
00:18:01	GARBAGE MAN 4:	♪ You got a pile… ♪
00:18:03	GARBAGE MEN 2/4:	♪ …a full square mile. ♪
00:18:04	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Who's gonna take it away? Your personal trash man can! ♪
00:18:11	GARBAGE MAN 2:	♪ He'll come and get your junk. ♪
00:18:13	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Your personal trash man can! ♪
00:18:15	GARBAGE MAN 4:	♪ Each mattress bunk by bunk. ♪
00:18:17	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Who clears out all the evidence you ain't been spick-and-span? Your personal trash man can! ♪
00:18:31	GARBAGE MAN 2:	♪ Toxic paint and cooking grease? ♪
00:18:34	GARBAGE MEN 1/3/4:	♪ Take it away, boys, take it away! ♪
00:18:36	GARBAGE MAN 4:	♪ Feral pets not in your lease? ♪
00:18:38	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3:	♪ Take it away, boys, take it away! ♪
00:18:40	GARBAGE MAN 1:	♪ Leaded pipes and plumbing paste? ♪
00:18:42	GARBAGE MAN 3:	♪ Get your gloves, that's medical waste ♪
00:18:45	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Take it away, boys, take it away! Take it away, take it away! ♪
00:19:11	GARBAGE MAN 1:	Sun's coming up, boys. We gotta hurry.
00:19:14	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Your personal trash man can! ♪
00:19:17	GARBAGE MAN 2:	♪ No job too big or small. ♪
00:19:19	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Just pay him in cash and bam! ♪
00:19:21	GARBAGE MAN 1:	♪ No questions asked at all. ♪
00:19:23	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Who's here to make things disappear that ain't part of your plan? ♪
00:19:27	GARBAGE MAN 2:	♪ Your personal trash man… ♪
00:19:29	GARBAGE MAN 3:	♪ Your pick-up-the-stash man… ♪
00:19:32	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Your personal trash man can! ♪
00:19:45	SUSIE:	Not bad.
00:19:50	MIDGE:	Wow. Smell that fresh, sweet air. You'd never know that just last night, there was a mound of trash as high as an elephant's eye. High enough that the Von Trapp Family Singers could climb over it to escape the Nazis. That's pretty high, but now look at it. Gone. Now all you see are sidewalks so clean you could eat off of them. Streets so gleaming you could see your reflection. Hmm, looks like I need a shave.
00:20:18		(bike bell rings)
00:20:18	PAPERBOY:	Extra! Extra!
00:20:19	MIDGE:	Oh, look, there's the paperboy. New York's rooster. Looks like it's that time again. The city's waking up. All these happy people excited to start their day. Why, there's young mothers with babies. There's a businessman with a briefcase, off to conquer the world. Storekeepers ready to sell their goods, and waitresses rushing to get you those sunny-side up eggs you need to get you through your day. All these people walking down cleared sidewalks, nothing in their way. And yet some people think the city is responsible for this modern miracle. But I'll tell you a secret: it's not.
00:20:55	ANGELIC LITTLE BOY:	It's not?
00:20:56	MIDGE:	No, little boy, it's not. The city only disposes of a small amount of actual trash that is thrown away, the easy stuff, but we live in a big city. We have big city trash.
00:21:07	HAPPY CITY PERSON:	That's right!
00:21:08	MIDGE:	And to get rid of big city trash, you're going to need private demolition and waste management.
00:21:13	ANGELIC LITTLE BOY:	What is private demolition and waste management?
00:21:16	MIDGE:	Well, it's a company that you pay to take away everything that the city won't, and unlike the city, they never say no.
00:21:23	OLD MAN:	(groans)
00:21:24	MIDGE:	Hello, old-timer. What you got there?
00:21:26	OLD MAN:	I just got my bill here.
00:21:28	MIDGE:	A bill for what?
00:21:29	OLD MAN:	I ran into some old paint, rat poison, liquid chemicals, DDT and a broken bookshelf, and I wanted someone to take it all away. Then I got this estimate, ten dollars. Just to pick some trash up and take it far away from me? Are they kidding?
00:21:43	MIDGE:	Ten dollars isn't much.
00:21:44	OLD MAN:	It's ridiculous. I won't pay it. I'll just put it out with my city trash.
00:21:48	MIDGE:	The city won't take that, old-timer.
00:21:50	OLD MAN:	Well, then I'll just take it down to the church preschool parking lot on the corner and burn it, problem solved.
00:21:56	MIDGE:	You sure you want to do that?
00:21:57	OLD MAN:	I certainly do. As far as I'm concerned, I wish I'd never heard of private demolition and waste management.
00:22:03	MIDGE:	Oh, no.
00:22:08	TESSIE:	♪ There once were trees, and clear blue seas, but now all the babies are born here with rabies and full goatees. ♪
00:22:19	SUSIE:	Huh.
00:22:20	TESSIE:	♪ Oh, so tough to raise. We've seen better days ♪
00:22:28	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Trash! ♪
00:22:29	TESSIE:	♪ This life ain't fair… ♪
00:22:31	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Smog! ♪
00:22:32	TESSIE:	♪ Beyond repair… ♪
00:22:33	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Death! ♪
00:22:34	TESSIE:	♪ You're begging for mercy when you go to Jersey to smell fresh air. ♪
00:22:38	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Hoboken! ♪
00:22:40	TESSIE:	♪ Sweet toxic haze. ♪
00:22:41	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Ha, ha, ha, haze! ♪
00:22:43	TESSIE:	♪ We've seen better days. Telling you, good hygiene pays. It's true. Ain't gonna be no better… ♪
00:22:55	OLD MAN:	(screams) He's dead! My boy is dead!
00:23:00	MIDGE:	Oh, no, that looks like something the demolition of a giant building might've caused.
00:23:04	OLD MAN:	It did. I thought the city would've hauled away all the dangerous demolition waste.
00:23:08	MIDGE:	The city doesn't haul that away, old-timer.
00:23:10	OLD MAN:	(sobs) I know.
00:23:11	MIDGE:	I tried to warn you.
00:23:12	OLD MAN:	You did.
00:23:13	MIDGE:	You need private demolition and waste management to do that, but you didn't want to pay for it.
00:23:17	OLD MAN:	I didn't want to pay for it, and now my boy is gone!
00:23:22	MIDGE:	Yes, he is. Happy people die every day from trash. Ten thousand tons of garbage accumulate in New York City every single hour. The average person throws out 2.68 pounds of garbage per day, and that's a really thin person. Mismanaged waste kills up to a million people a year globally and can potentially carry diphtheria, dysentery, hepatitis A and B and C and D and E, meningitis, cancer, tetanus, tuberculosis, pneumonia, influenza, syphilis and assorted blood-borne pathogens, parasitic infections, zoonotic illnesses, plus there won't be any place to park.
00:23:58	OLD MAN:	I can't hear any more. I'm convinced. Private demolition and waste management is important. It's important! Oh!
00:24:05	MIDGE:	It is important. People think happiness is such a difficult thing to attain, when in reality it all comes down to the little things in life: family, friends, smiles and private demolition and waste management. The truth is right in front of your face, or on the sole of your shoe. Tell 'em, folks.
00:24:29	CAST:	♪ Goodbye, junk misplaced. So long, fumes we taste. Ah, hello, private waste. Private waste management, take it away. Trash! ♪
00:24:57	SUSIE:	All right, Tess!
00:25:09	ROSE:	Well, I was a little behind at the beginning, I admit.
00:25:12	TUPPANCE:	It took me 45 minutes to realize she was talking about the dog…
00:25:14	ABE:	It's as if each play was written by a different person.
00:25:15	TOBY:	I don't know his theater work. I only know his writing in The Voice.
00:25:18	ABE:	Well, his theater work is infinitely better.
00:25:21	GABE:	Oh, he'd love to hear that, Abe.
00:25:22	ABE:	I just mean that i-in the theater, he can explore more meaningful subjects. There are layers to his work onstage.
00:25:29	GABE:	Some of his work.
00:25:30	ABE:	The Taskmaster?
00:25:31	ROSE:	I must say, I enjoyed the play once I got used to the Irish accents.
00:25:32	GABE:	Oh, sure, pick the one great one, but A Bridge to a Road?
00:23:32	TUPPANCE:	Was that an Irish accent?
00:25:33	ROSE:	I think it was, wasn't it?
00:23:34	TUPPANCE:	I thought they were from Boston.
00:25:35	TOBY:	Terrible title.
00:25:36	GABE:	Terrible play.
00:25:37	ROSE:	I don't think so. Abe?
00:25:38	ABE:	But a couple of terrific monologues.
00:25:39	ROSE:	Abe, that was an Irish accent, right?
00:25:41	ABE:	Dublin.
00:25:42	ROSE:	Dublin. I assume he means the Dublin in Ireland.
00:25:44	TOBY:	You do realize he's sitting right over there?
00:25:46	ABE:	Where?
00:25:47	TOBY:	Right th… Carl!
00:25:48	ABE:	One of your best.
00:25:49	GABE:	Hear, hear.
00:25:50	TUPPANCE:	Congratulations.
00:25:50	LUCY:	It was wonderful.
00:25:50	TOBY:	Well done.
00:25:51	ABE:	Well, now I feel a little dirty.
00:25:54	ROSE:	Who was that?
00:25:55	ABE:	That was the playwright.
00:25:56	ROSE:	Really? He looks so normal.
00:25:58	TUPPANCE:	Like a bank teller.
00:26:00	ABE:	Well, he's not a bank teller. He's a talented writer.
00:26:02	GABE:	Occasionally, yes, he is.
00:26:04	TUPPANCE:	Better to be a bank teller.
00:26:06	LUCY:	A bank teller can always get a job.
00:26:07	GABE:	But seriously, Abe, you liked this play tonight?
00:26:09	ABE:	I did. I thought his contemplation on God and religion, the parallels between marriage and death and madness - though a little heavy-handed - was extremely thoughtful.
00:26:20	ROSE:	My goodness. When did all of that happen?
00:26:23	ABE:	That's what the play was about.
00:26:24	ROSE:	Really? I thought it was about a little boy who loses his dog.
00:26:27	TUPPANCE:	In Dublin.
00:26:27	ROSE:	Yes, in Dublin.
00:26:29	ABE:	No, that was just a device he used to talk about the man's confusion with his sexuality and his tortured relationship with Jesus.
00:26:39	ROSE:	When did they mention Jesus?
00:26:41	ABE:	They didn't have to mention it. Jesus was all over the place. His wife's name was Mary. He wore sandals, the wine.
00:26:48	ROSE:	He owned a bar. Wouldn't they have wine in a bar?
00:26:51	TUPPANCE:	You know, they usually don't have very good wine in a bar. It's always warm.
00:26:54	LUCY:	I never order wine in a bar.
00:26:55	TOBY:	When are you ever in a bar?
00:26:57	LUCY:	Never, which is why I never order wine in a bar.
00:27:00	ROSE:	Well, I didn't notice any of these things. I thought it was a very touching story of a boy and his dog.
00:27:04	GABE:	And the dog was terrific.
00:27:05	ROSE:	Wonderful.
00:27:06	LUCY:	Oh, wait. Last November. I was in a bar last November.
00:27:09	TOBY:	With whom?
00:27:10	ABE:	That wasn't what the play was about at all, Rose. But I agree with you about the dog.
00:27:15	ROSE:	They never mention Jesus or his confusion with his sexuality.
00:27:18	ABE:	They don't have to mention it.
00:27:19	ROSE:	Well, it would certainly help. Anyhow, that's not the play I saw.
00:27:23	GABE:	Art is there for your interpretation, Rose.
00:27:25	ABE:	No, it's not. You don't just decide the story is whatever you want it to be.
00:27:30	ROSE:	I didn't decide anything. I watched a boy and his dog who died.
00:27:34	ABE:	But it wasn't about that.
00:27:36	ROSE:	How do you know?
00:27:38	ABE:	I am a theater critic. I'm paid to know. It's fine if you didn't get it. It's not Guys and Dolls.
00:27:48	TUPPANCE:	Well, I just loved her dress. (laughs nervously)
00:27:50	GABE:	Well, I need another drink.
00:27:52	ROSE:	You loved Guys and Dolls.
00:27:53	ABE:	Of course I did. It was a delight.
00:27:55	GABE:	Tuppance, drink?
00:27:56	TOBY:	I saw Guys and Dolls with…
00:27:57	ROSE:	Is it possible, Abe, that you're wrong? That the play tonight was not actually a deep meditation on Jesus and latent homosexuality but instead a sweet, simple play about a boy who lost his dog?
00:28:08	ABE:	No.
00:28:09	ROSE:	It's not possible? Under any circumstances?
00:28:11	ABE:	No, Rose, and I don't know why you're getting so upset over this.
00:28:15	ROSE:	Because you're calling me an idiot.
00:28:17	ABE:	I am not calling you an idiot. I simply said you don't understand the play, at all. That's fine.
00:28:23	ROSE:	Because I'm an idiot.
00:28:25	GABE:	Retreat, retreat, retreat.
00:28:27	ABE:	Rose, just because you can't grasp a complex thematic piece like this is not some reflection on your intelligence. I don't understand anything that you do. Does that make me an idiot?
00:28:40	TUPPANCE:	I'm gonna have dessert.
00:28:41	LUCY:	Me, too.
00:28:42	ROSE:	You know what? Maybe you're right.
00:28:44	ABE:	Thank you.
00:28:45	ROSE:	Let's ask the man who wrote it.
00:28:46	ABE:	What? No, Rose. You do not interrupt a post-opening meal. Not until the good reviews come out. Rose!
00:28:52	ROSE:	Excuse me. I'm Rose Weissman, Abe's wife. We just saw your play tonight, and, um, do you mind?
00:28:59	CARL:	Oh, well, I, uh…
00:29:00	ROSE:	Thank you so much. I was just wondering if you could tell us what you think your play's about.
00:29:05	ABE:	He wrote it, Rose. He knows what it's about. Hello, Carl.
00:29:08	CARL:	Hello, Abe.
00:29:10	ABE:	The sound design was terrific.
00:29:12	ROSE:	Well, fine. Tell me, then. What was your play about?
00:29:15	CARL:	Well, when I was a boy, I had a dog named Tom, and he died very suddenly one summer, and I never really got over it.
00:29:22	ROSE:	Is that it?
00:29:24	CARL:	I-It was very scarring.
00:29:33	RADIO ANNOUNCER:	Now the Crusaders come into this game sporting a 26 and 2 record, while the Marksmen have…
00:29:51		(Zelda and Janusz conversing in Polish)
00:30:02	ZELDA:	Oh! Mr. and Mrs. Weissman! Janusz just proposed, and I said yes!
00:30:05	JANUSZ:	She said yes!
00:30:06	ZELDA:	Can I make you a sandwich?
00:30:07	ABE:	What? No. No. You proposed?
00:30:10	ZELDA:	And I said yes!
00:30:11	JANUSZ:	She said yes!
00:30:12	ZELDA:	How about an omelet?
00:30:13	ABE:	No. No omelet.
00:30:15	ROSE:	Oh, Zelda. I'm so happy for you.
00:30:17	ZELDA:	Thank you, Mrs. Weissman. I will clean up the rose petals after dessert.
00:30:21	ABE:	You've got yourself a wonderful woman.
00:30:22	JANUSZ:	Thank you, Mr. Weissman. I fixed the light in the linen closet.
00:30:25	ABE:	Oh, good. Well, good night.
00:30:28	ROSE:	Yes. Good night.
00:30:36	ZELDA & JANUSZ:	Na zdrowie! (English Translation:) Cheers!
00:30:47	ZELDA:	I finished the dishes.
00:30:49	JANUSZ:	I moved furniture back.
00:30:50	ZELDA:	What a wonderful evening.
00:30:52		(door creaks)
00:30:54	JANUSZ:	The door needs oil.
00:32:35	ALVIN:	Wow.
00:32:35	RALPH:	This was performed? In front of live people?
00:32:37	MIDGE:	Unfortunately, yes.
00:32:39	MEL:	We work too hard.
00:32:40	MIDGE:	I just want it a little better. Please, any suggestion at all. Adam, come on. Jump in here. Your wife's so fat that…
00:32:44	ADAM:	Well, that's just rude.
00:32:46	MIDGE:	No. You're always making “my wife's so fat” jokes.
00:32:48	ADAM:	The woman's had three kids. You try losing the baby weight after three kids.
00:32:51	TRUDY:	Alvin, is the script ready yet?
00:32:53	ALVIN:	Almost.
00:32:54	TRUDY:	'Cause I should be typing it already.
00:32:55	ALVIN:	One second, Trudy.
00:32:56	TRUDY:	Should I bring in my typewriter?
00:32:57	ALVIN:	Will it make you happy, Trudy?
00:32:58	TRUDY:	Gordon's gonna need it soon.
00:32:59	MIDGE:	Even if I had a better opening joke.
00:33:01	ALVIN:	We have to finish our real work first, Midge.
00:33:03	MEL:	I was gonna pitch the kid should get a pole through his head, but that's already taken.
00:33:05	CECIL:	What about a pogo stick?
00:33:05		(door slams shut)
00:33:07	GORDON:	Goddamn it, George! Ah, I can't believe this is happening!
00:33:11	GEORGE:	We will fix this, Gordon. No one saw him go?
00:33:17	MARGE:	He was in the makeup chair. Sally went to get some more cotton balls. When she came back, he was gone.
00:33:22	GORDON:	Did I need to know about the cotton balls, Marge?
00:33:23	MARGE:	No, Gordon.
00:33:24	GORDON:	Was that information pertinent to this situation?
00:33:26	MARGE:	I'm just filling you in, Gordon.
00:33:27	GORDON:	Oh! Well, thank you. Any other random facts you want to throw in there? What was the temperature of the room when he left? Was he cold? Maybe he needed a sweater. Maybe that's why twenty minutes before I'm supposed to go on air, my fucking comedian takes off and no one notices. Have we checked the sweater room? Do we have a sweater room? Maybe we need a sweater room. George, call a guy. I want a sweater room installed right now.
00:33:44	GEORGE:	Okay. Are you serious about that?
00:33:46	GORDON:	No, I'm not serious about installing a sweater room. I am serious about the fact that I'm now missing a guest, and is anyone doing anything about that? Mike?
00:33:52	MIKE:	I'm on it, Gordon.
00:33:52	GORDON:	You are my talent booker. Book me some goddamn talent. Marge?
00:33:55	MARGE:	Yes?
00:33:55	GORDON:	Was I just an asshole to you?
00:33:56	MARGE:	Yes.
00:33:57	GORDON:	I'm sorry. Buy yourself some flowers. Mike?
00:33:58	MIKE:	Got his manager on the line now.
00:34:00	GORDON:	How? How does he just leave?
00:34:02	GEORGE:	He's unstable. That's why he's funny.
00:34:04	GORDON:	Eh, he's not that funny.
00:34:05	GEORGE:	He could come back.
00:34:06	MARGE:	I don't think he's coming back. He took his coat, his hat and a Gordon Ford Show coffee mug.
00:34:11	GORDON:	From now on, no one gets a mug until after they've actually appeared on the show. Am I clear? Mike?
00:34:16	MIKE:	No coffee mugs until after the show.
00:34:18	GORDON:	I mean where are we with a comic, Mike?
00:34:19	MIKE:	Doing my best, Gordon.
00:34:20	GEORGE:	Okay, well, bright side, it's the final slot. People may have tuned out by then.
00:34:26	GORDON:	Is that the bright side, George? That people have tuned out before the show is even over?
00:34:29	GEORGE:	No, I mean, why don't we just extend the next to last guest, the guy from the Bronx Zoo?
00:34:33	GORDON:	Oh, God.
00:34:34	GEORGE:	We'll just ask him to bring out a third animal.
00:34:36	GORDON:	No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm not pretending to give a shit about three animals. I don't give a shit about two animals. One animal can go fuck himself. I want a comic! Writers! (grunts)
00:34:44	WRITERS:	(panicked chatter)
00:34:46	GORDON:	Pay close attention! Any loser stand-ups that you know, that you're friends with, went to school with, that you bowl with, who fucked your cousin or who you might be related to, call them. Bring them in, Mike will vet them, and even if they stink, he will still give them the thumbs up. I repeat, anyone breathing with a tight six minutes, it's their goddamn lucky day. Mike! You and that Rolodex, my office, now!
00:35:05	MIKE:	Yep!
00:35:11	ALVIN:	Come on, guys, someone must know someone.
00:35:13	CECIL:	Geez, Alvin, I don't know. Got a dozen knock-knock jokes.
00:35:16	ALVIN:	No? Nobody?
00:35:17	ADAM:	Cecil, what about your dad?
00:35:18	SUSIE:	Now, this is going to be a very nice house, so I'd appreciate if you didn't immediately shit all over it.
00:35:26		(phone ringing)
00:35:27	SUSIE:	You have an entire city out there. Crap to your heart's content.
00:35:32	DINAH:	Susie Myerson and… Yep. Yep, she's right here. It's Midge.
00:35:37	SUSIE:	Hey there.
00:35:38	MIDGE:	Question: how much trouble will you get in if I don't do the garbage show today?
00:35:42	SUSIE:	You mean how many limbs will I lose?
00:35:43	MIDGE:	Yes.
00:35:44	SUSIE:	And will I miss them?
00:35:45	MIDGE:	Right.
00:35:45	SUSIE:	I'd say four and I would.
00:35:46	MIDGE:	There's a chance I might be on the show tonight.
00:35:49	SUSIE:	What show?
00:35:50	MIDGE:	The Gordon Ford Show.
00:35:51	SUSIE:	Fuck.
00:35:52	MIDGE:	Is that a bad “fuck” or a good “fuck”?
00:35:54	SUSIE:	It's a bad “fuck” at the moment, but it could turn into a good “fuck” if you get on the show. It's basically a very flexible “fuck.” What's going on?
00:36:01	MIDGE:	Things are happening. Stay by the phone. I'll call you back.
00:36:04	MIKE:	Diller's in Paris, Schreiber's in Denver, Sahl's sick. Stiller said yes, Meara said no.
00:36:09	GORDON:	(groans) She never forgave that crack about her upper arms.
00:36:12	MIKE:	Waiting to hear from Storch and Allen. Should I try Hope?
00:36:14	GORDON:	No. Fuck. Yes.
00:36:17	MIKE:	Okay. Be right back.
00:36:22	MIDGE:	Gordon?
00:36:23	GORDON:	Yeah?
00:36:25	MIDGE:	Put me in, Coach.
00:36:26	GORDON:	What?
00:36:28	MIDGE:	I've got 20 clean, broadcast-friendly minutes on various topics. I've got family jokes, political jokes. I've got political family jokes. I'm ready.
00:36:35	GORDON:	For what?
00:36:37	MIDGE:	To go on the show.
00:36:38	GORDON:	This show?
00:36:39	MIDGE:	Yes. What other show is there?
00:36:42	GORDON:	Tina, could you give me a minute, please?
00:36:44	TINA:	Don't touch your nose.
00:36:45	GORDON:	I will not touch my nose.
00:36:46	TINA:	Don't touch his nose.
00:36:47	MIDGE:	Mm-hmm. So? What do you think?
00:36:52	GORDON:	I think, yes, you should not touch my nose.
00:36:54	MIDGE:	Come on. It solves all your problems. I'm right here, I will not disappear from the green room, and I just had my hair done.
00:36:59	GORDON:	Midge…
00:37:00	MIDGE:	I'll run the jokes by the team. I'll even ask Alvin for his opinion, even though I truly don't care.
00:37:03	GORDON:	It's not gonna happen.
00:37:04	MIDGE:	Why not?
00:37:06	GORDON:	Thank you for offering.
00:37:08	MIDGE:	Is this because I won't go out with you?
00:37:10	GORDON:	I don't think that's been settled yet.
00:37:11	MIDGE:	It's pretty settled.
00:37:12	GORDON:	Not the way I remember it.
00:37:13	MIDGE:	Me dating you and the Dreyfus affair. Settled.
00:37:15	GORDON:	No, this is not because you won't go out with me.
00:37:16	MIDGE:	Then why? Because I'm too pretty?
00:37:18	GORDON:	No, but you are very pretty. We have a rule here, hard and fast, never been broken. No one who works on the show can be on the show.
00:37:25	MIDGE:	Well, that's a dumb rule. Change that rule.
00:37:27	GORDON:	I'm not gonna change that rule.
00:37:29	MIDGE:	Gordon, I'm a stand-up. You saw me. You liked me.
00:37:31	GORDON:	I did. No exceptions.
00:37:34	MIDGE:	I want to be on your couch.
00:37:36	GORDON:	Oh, well, sure…
00:37:37	MIDGE:	No, not that couch.
00:37:38	GORDON:	Sorry.
00:37:39	MIDGE:	This is dumb. You have an empty slot to fill. You said, and I quote: “Any loser comic.” You even said they could stink.
00:37:45	GORDON:	You know Ralph's a stand-up?
00:37:47	MIDGE:	I did not know that.
00:37:48	GORDON:	He really wants to be on the show. Ralph's never coming on the show.
00:37:53	MIDGE:	Okay, but…
00:37:53	GORDON:	Cecil's a comic, too. A good one. Cecil's never coming on the show. Mel's a stand-up.
00:37:57	MIDGE:	I know about Mel.
00:37:59	GORDON:	Works all the time. People love him. Mel's never coming on the show.
00:38:01	MIDGE:	This is an arbitrary rule.
00:38:04	GORDON:	Willie tried. You know Willie?
00:38:06	MIDGE:	The security guard?
00:38:07	GORDON:	Singer. Beautiful baritone voice. Willie's not coming on the show.
00:38:11	MIDGE:	Gordon…
00:38:12	GORDON:	You make a good living here, right?
00:38:14	MIDGE:	I do.
00:38:15	GORDON:	It's nice, the paycheck. That should be enough.
00:38:19	MIDGE:	Well, guess that's it.
00:38:21	GORDON:	That's it.
00:38:24	MIDGE:	Thank you for your time. Now, I have to go, or I'll be late for my garbage gig.
00:38:28	GORDON:	I have no context for what you just said. Send Tina back in.
00:38:33	MIDGE:	He touched his nose.
00:38:34	GORDON:	I did not.
00:38:36	TULIP:	I'm not wearing that.
00:38:37	SUSIE:	I will pay you an extra ten.
00:38:39	TULIP:	That's embarrassing.
00:38:40	SUSIE:	Oh, what you got on now is a step-up?
00:38:42	MIDGE:	Susie.
00:38:43	SUSIE:	What are you doing here? What happened to being on the show?
00:38:45	MIDGE:	It's not happening. That's what happened. Can I have my jumpsuit, please?
00:38:49	SUSIE:	I don't understand.
00:38:50	MIDGE:	A writer can't be on the show, ever.
00:38:52	SUSIE:	The fuck are you talking about? You can go.
00:38:54	TULIP:	Fine. Here.
00:38:56	MIDGE:	It's a rule. Never broken. I will never appear on The Gordon Ford Show.
00:39:00	SUSIE:	Fuck!
00:39:01	MIDGE:	A good “fuck” or a bad “fuck”?
00:39:02	SUSIE:	That is a flat-out bad “fuck.”
00:39:03	MIDGE:	I second that “fuck,” and I'll raise you two “shits” and a “cocksucker.”
00:39:07	SUSIE:	It's a stupid-ass rule!
00:39:08	MIDGE:	Yes, it is. Okay. I'm gonna go get this over with, if you don't mind.
00:39:13	ETHAN:	Mommy! Mommy!
00:39:16	MIDGE:	Ethan. Hi, baby.
00:39:18	ETHAN:	We're here to see the show.
00:39:19	MIDGE:	How did you know about the show?
00:39:20	JOEL:	You invited us.
00:39:21	MIDGE:	Oh, shit, that's right.
00:39:22	JOEL:	We almost didn't make it. Esther suddenly decided she was sick of hearing the voices of our family.
00:39:27	MIDGE:	Wow.
00:39:28	JOEL:	I had to bribe her with ice cream and a trip to FAO Schwarz.
00:39:30	MIDGE:	She's a genius.
00:39:32	JOEL:	You okay?
00:39:33	MIDGE:	Yes. I'm fine.
00:39:35	JOEL:	You remembered we were coming, right?
00:39:36	MIDGE:	I did. Just as soon as you got here.
00:39:39	JOEL:	You want us to go?
00:39:39	MIDGE:	No. No. Stay, enjoy the show. I just had a bad day, that's all.
00:39:45	JOEL:	Why? Problems at work?
00:39:46	MIDGE:	Well…
00:39:47	ESTHER:	Ah! Too much talking!
00:39:48	MIDGE:	Boy, are you in the wrong family, kid. Okay. There's hot dogs around somewhere. Just stuff their faces. I'll see you after.
00:39:56	JOEL:	Hey.
00:39:59	MIDGE:	Just… some days are harder than others, you know?
00:40:03	JOEL:	Yeah. I know.
00:40:10	ESTHER:	Daddy! Daddy!
00:40:11	JOEL:	Hey, Esther.
00:40:12		(P.A. chimes)
00:40:13	MAN:	(over P.A.) The public has spoken.
00:40:14	JOEL:	Hey. Hey. Sorry. Sorry.
00:40:14	MAN:	(over P.A.) Private Waste Management: A Musical Journey in Three Acts is a hit.
00:40:17	AUDIENCE MAN 1:	That looks good.
00:40:17	AUDIENCE MAN 2:	Yeah.
00:40:19	MAN:	(over P.A.) Catch it now on the main stage.
00:40:24	ESTHER:	Ah, ah, ah.
00:40:29	ANGELIC LITTLE BOY:	Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Please bless Mommy and Daddy and my little brother…
00:40:36	MIDGE:	(grunts)
00:40:38		(loud clatter)
00:40:42	ANGELIC LITTLE BOY:	And, mostly, God, please bless…
00:40:43	MIDGE:	Christ. Hot in there. Go on.
00:40:51	ANGELIC LITTLE BOY:	Please bless New York City, the greatest city in the whole wide world. I sure am lucky I live here. Amen.
00:40:59	MIDGE:	This kid's gonna spend the next ten years stuffed in a locker.
00:41:03	GARBAGE MAN 1:	Hey, guys, he's asleep.
00:41:11	GARBAGE MAN 2:	♪ Who do you call to haul the trash the city trucks won't touch? ♪
00:41:15	GARBAGE MAN 1:	♪ Who's got the hard-won know-how with things hazardous and such? ♪
00:41:19	GARBAGE MAN 3:	♪ Who comes at night staying out of sight and gone by break of day? ♪
00:41:24	GARBAGE MAN 4:	♪ You got a pile… ♪
00:41:25	GARBAGE MEN 2/4:	♪ …a full square mile. ♪
00:41:27	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Who's gonna take it away? ♪
00:41:30		(apple crunches)
00:41:32	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Your personal trash man can. He'll come and get…
00:41:35	GARBAGE MEN 1/2/3/4:	♪ Your personal trash man can! ♪♪
00:41:49	MIDGE:	Wow. Smell that fresh, sweet air. You'd never know that just last night, there was a mound of trash as high as an elephant's eye. High enough that the Von Trapp Family Singers could climb over it to escape the Nazis. (imitates drum fill) That's pretty high. But now look at it. Gone. Now all you see are sidewalks so clean you could eat off them. Streets so gleaming you could see your reflection. Hmm, looks like I need a shave.
00:42:13	ETHAN:	(laughs)
00:42:15	MIDGE:	Ah, that joke has found its demographic.
00:42:18	FRANK:	What the fuck?
00:42:18		(bike bell rings)
00:42:18	PAPERBOY:	Extra! Extra!
00:42:20	MIDGE:	There's the paperboy. He delivers, well, papers, which become trash, ironically. There's a mother with her babies. A guy with a briefcase who's the father of at least one of those babies. Apparently, the one thing these people haven't thrown away is the amphetamines.
00:42:35	ANGELIC LITTLE BOY:	It's not?
00:42:36	MIDGE:	What? Oh, right. Wait. Okay. Here I am, okay. You haven't missed much, trust me. No, little boy, it's not. The city only disposes of a small amount of the actual trash that is thrown away, the easy stuff. But we live in a big city. We have big city trash. See where I'm going with this?
00:42:54	ANGELIC LITTLE BOY:	What is private demolition and waste management?
00:42:56	MIDGE:	God, that's annoying. Anyhoo…
00:43:00	TESSIE:	♪ There once were trees… ♪
00:43:01	MIDGE:	(yawns)
00:43:02	TESSIE:	♪ …and clear blue seas. But now all the babies are born here with rabies and full goatees. Oh, so tough to raise. We've seen better days. ♪
00:43:18	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Trash! ♪
00:43:20	TESSIE:	♪ This life ain't fair. ♪
00:43:22	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Smog! ♪
00:43:23	TESSIE:	♪ Beyond repair. ♪
00:43:24	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Death! ♪
00:43:25	TESSIE:	♪ You're begging for mercy when you go to Jersey to smell fresh air. ♪
00:43:30	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Hoboken! ♪
00:43:30	MIDGE:	Too close.
00:43:31	TESSIE:	♪ Sweet toxic haze. ♪
00:43:32	GARBAGE GIRLS:	♪ Haze ♪
00:43:34	TESSIE:	♪ We've seen better days. Telling you, good hygiene pays…
00:43:39	FRANK:	Hey, what the hell's going on up there?
00:43:42	SUSIE:	What? It's the trash show.
00:43:43	FRANK:	No, it's not. She's fucking around up there.
00:43:45	NICKY:	And she's still not off-book.
00:43:47	SUSIE:	What do you want from me?
00:43:48	FRANK:	I want what was promised.
00:43:49	SUSIE:	She's up there. She's in the suit.
00:43:50	FRANK:	From the beginning, she's been a problem.
00:43:52	NICKY:	She wouldn't use the cigar.
00:43:53	SUSIE:	Nobody's missing the cigar.
00:43:55	FRANK:	I asked you for a favor.
00:43:55	SUSIE:	I know.
00:43:56	FRANK:	And I thought you were taking that favor seriously.
00:43:58	SUSIE:	I did take it seriously.
00:44:00	FRANK:	Does this look like serious to you?
00:44:02	MIDGE:	Is this a bad time to ask where his mother is?
00:44:04	FRANK:	That looks like a temper tantrum, and I don't like temper tantrums. Listen to me, the next time I ask you for a favor…
00:44:10	SUSIE:	Next time?
00:44:11	FRANK:	Yeah, next time.
00:44:12	SUSIE:	This was the favor, Frank.
00:44:14	FRANK:	What the fuck are you talking about?
00:44:16	SUSIE:	We reciprocated. This was it.
00:44:18	NICKY:	It? It?
00:44:19	FRANK:	There is no “it,” Susie. We own you. Thirty percent of everything you do, everything you touch, everything she touches. That's the deal.
00:44:28	SUSIE:	Yeah, but that was before we agreed to do this.
00:44:30	FRANK:	Oh, Susie, I think you have a problem understanding things.
00:44:32	SUSIE:	No, I don't. This was supposed to make us square.
00:44:35	FRANK:	There is no making us square. This is it. This is the situation.
00:44:39	MIDGE:	Mismanaged waste kills up to…
00:44:40	SUSIE:	For how long?
00:44:42	FRANK:	For as long as you are Susie fucking Myerson! Now you get your head straight, and you get her head straight. And don't you ever fuck with a musical production of ours again.
00:44:53	NICKY:	Next time, there's gonna be tech.
00:44:56	MIDGE:	…parasitic illness. Yeah, I guess while he mourns his little cartwheeler, I'm supposed to tell you now about all the ways that trash can kill you. Bye Bye Birdie it ain't.
00:45:04	SUSIE:	(sighs)
00:45:05	JOEL:	What's going on here?
00:45:07	SUSIE:	It's a trade show. Go buy some tires, hmm?
00:45:09	JOEL:	Why is Midge giving up onstage? She never gives up onstage.
00:45:11	SUSIE:	I don't know, Joel. It's an off night. Ask for your money back.
00:45:14	JOEL:	Who are those guys, Susie?
00:45:15	SUSIE:	They're no one.
00:45:16	JOEL:	They don't look like no one.
00:45:17	SUSIE:	Well, they are.
00:45:18	JOEL:	Did you piss them off?
00:45:19	SUSIE:	Leave me alone.
00:45:21	JOEL:	What did you do? Why are they threatening you? Why are they looking at Midge like she's got a fucking lot number on her ass?
00:45:26	SUSIE:	I don't know what you're talking about.
00:45:27	JOEL:	Did you get her mixed up in something? What's happening, “manager”? You mobbed up?
00:45:31	SUSIE:	No.
00:45:31	JOEL:	No? This whole place looks like part two of the Apalachin meeting.
00:45:34	SUSIE:	I gotta go.
00:45:36	JOEL:	Hey. Look at me. Do you have a handle on this?
00:45:38	SUSIE:	Yes.
00:45:39	JOEL:	Do you need help?
00:45:40	SUSIE:	No.
00:45:41	JOEL:	How deep is my wife in this shit you got going here?
00:45:43	SUSIE:	Just go babysit, Joel, okay?
00:45:44	JOEL:	Fuck you. You're not cute just 'cause you're four feet tall and you dress like a Katzenjammer Kid. I want to know what you're into.
00:45:51	SUSIE:	Okay, well, thanks for stopping by.
00:45:53	JOEL:	I'm gonna find out, Susie. I'm gonna get to the bottom of whatever it is you have once again fucked up, you hear me?
00:45:59	CAST:	♪ Goodbye, junk misplaced. So long, fumes we taste. Ah, hello, private waste. Private waste management. Take it away. Trash! ♪
00:46:24	MIDGE:	What are you, like, 30?
00:46:27	HART:	This is really a thrill. We never get asked to do a third segment. Do we, Cooper? You sure you don't want to feed him a termite?
00:46:34	GORDON:	I'm sure.
00:46:35	HART:	You're missing out.
00:46:36	MAURY:	And we're back from commercial in three, two…
00:46:47	GORDON:	Welcome back, folks, and yes, we are still here with my guest Hart Buckley of the Bronx Zoo, and I just can't believe my luck but he has yet one more adorable critter for us to meet, so let's…
00:46:57	SOPHIE:	Excuse me, sir. Is this the ladies' room?
00:47:03	GORDON:	Well, what do you know, Sophie Lennon. Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes. Mwah.
00:47:09	SOPHIE:	Mm, careful, Gordon. That's how my fifth marriage started. And my fourth one ended.
00:47:15	GORDON:	(mouthing to Mike) I love you.
00:47:16	MIKE:	(mouthing back) You're welcome.
00:47:23	SOPHIE:	Well, that sure was a nice greeting. Hello. I think I wore your brother to Delmonico's last night.
00:47:32	GORDON:	Oh, we are delighted to see you, Sophie. Hey, would you like a termite?
00:47:34	SOPHIE:	Maybe later.
00:47:37	GORDON:	Sophie Lennon, as you all know, folks, hosts the hit game show Seconds Count.
00:47:41	SOPHIE:	Thank you. It is a hit, isn't it?
00:47:44	GORDON:	Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your studio right down the hall?
00:47:47	SOPHIE:	I think it is.
00:47:48	GORDON:	And yet, I believe this is the first time you've come to visit. Is that right? Now, not to be too much a braggart, but I feel we've been a good friend to you at The Gordon Ford Show. Maybe helped you get that hit show.
00:47:57	SOPHIE:	You did, Gordon. I was at my lowest point, and you gave me a leg up.
00:48:02	GORDON:	So, what happened?
00:48:04	SOPHIE:	Well, you know me, once I've got my legs up…
00:48:09	GORDON:	Heel, Sophie, heel.
00:48:11	SUSIE:	Hey. We need talk.
00:48:13	MIKE:	(whispering) What in the ever-loving fuck?
00:48:14	SUSIE:	(whispering) Why didn't you tell me about this bullshit rule?
00:48:16	MIKE:	What?
00:48:17	SUSIE:	No one who works on the show can be on the show, is that right?
00:48:20	MIKE:	Yeah. So?
00:48:21	SUSIE:	So, why didn't you tell me that when you hired her?
00:48:23	MIKE:	I didn't fucking hire her.
00:48:24	SUSIE:	No excuse.
00:48:26	MIKE:	Little excuse.
00:48:27	SUSIE:	You need to fix this.
00:48:28	MIKE:	I need to… There is a goddamn show going on.
00:48:31	SUSIE:	Well, fix it after.
00:48:33	MIKE:	I am not gonna fix anything.
00:48:35	SUSIE:	It's a bullshit rule.
00:48:37	MIKE:	It's Gordon's rule. Talk to him.
00:48:40	SUSIE:	Fuck.
00:48:57	HEDY:	Susan? Susan!
00:49:06	HEDY:	Susan, they just waxed the floors. Susan! I will catch up with you. Don't forget I played lacrosse. Susan! Damn it. Could you not? I'm in… Oh-ho-ho! This is a ridiculous waste of stockings. Stop. I mean, you're going to lose. You know, this is just like that party we went to where you were supposed to dress up as the woman you admire most, and you came as Lady Macbeth, and we got in that terrible fight. You left and ran away, and I caught you then, too. Oh, no, you went through a glass door. How will I ever find you?
00:49:35	SUSIE:	(sighs)
00:49:38	HEDY:	You can't not talk to me. There's a reason we ran into each other. The universe is telling us something.
00:49:43	SUSIE:	No, it isn't. And this is nothing like that night or that party. And you were on the lacrosse team for two hours, and then you got bored.
00:49:50	HEDY:	Lacrosse is boring.
00:49:51	SUSIE:	I know it's boring. I told you it was boring and you shouldn't join, and then you joined because I told you not to join. How fucked-up is that? Jesus Christ. Don't you have a gala to go to or something?
00:50:01	HEDY:	Nope. Today's my day of rest. Wow, Susan Myerson. I can't believe I'm talking to you. It's been…
00:50:06	SUSIE:	Do not stand there and pretend this is a touching reunion. I gotta go.
00:50:10	HEDY:	Why?
00:50:11	SUSIE:	I have work. I have a life. Just because you lose interest in something, it doesn't just go away.
00:50:16	HEDY:	I know.
00:50:17	SUSIE:	There was still lacrosse after you quit.
00:50:19	HEDY:	Well, there shouldn't have been. Please, just… It's been so long. You look really good. You do. Yeah, I love the hat.
00:50:33	SUSIE:	(sighs) Mrs. Gordon Ford?
00:50:36	HEDY:	(sighs) Yeah.
00:50:38	SUSIE:	It's quite an accomplishment.
00:50:40	HEDY:	That's not all I am.
00:50:41	SUSIE:	Yeah, that's all you are. It's all you are to me, Mrs. Fucking Gordon Ford.
00:50:47	HEDY:	How are you?
00:50:48	SUSIE:	Oh, you better pick a different question.
00:50:50	HEDY:	Oh, Susie, can we take this down just a hair?
00:50:52	SUSIE:	I didn't tell you to follow me. I didn't want to talk to you.
00:50:55	HEDY:	Hey, let's get a drink. Let's find a bar and get soused, and you can say everything to me you've wanted to say for fifteen years.
00:51:03	SUSIE:	I don't want to say anything to you.
00:51:05	HEDY:	Fine, then you can ask me anything you wanted to ask me for fifteen years.
00:51:08	SUSIE:	No. Everything you say is bullshit anyhow.
00:51:12	HEDY:	I guess I understand why you feel like this.
00:51:14	SUSIE:	Well, I don't give a fuck if you understand or not.
00:51:16	HEDY:	This is public. It's too loud.
00:51:18	SUSIE:	I'm loud! I was loud then, I'm loud now. This isn't new.
00:51:22	HEDY:	Please, let's sit and drink. I can't cover everything right here on the street like this.
00:51:28	SUSIE:	No.
00:51:29	HEDY:	Please, let's talk. I… Let me find out about you.
00:51:33	SUSIE:	I'm the same. I am what I always was. You?
00:51:35	HEDY:	Well, let me…
00:51:36	SUSIE:	What? Explain? Apologize?
00:51:39	HEDY:	Apologize for what?
00:51:40	SUSIE:	For what? For, I don't know, making plans and promises and…
00:51:45	HEDY:	I never made promises.
00:51:47	SUSIE:	You're kidding.
00:51:48	HEDY:	I was 22. What promises can you make at 22?
00:51:51	SUSIE:	Plenty!
00:51:52	HEDY:	We're grown-ups. Can't we be grown-ups? Can't we talk like grown women?
00:51:56	SUSIE:	I don't know what grown women talk like. I deal with comics.
00:51:59	HEDY:	Okay. I'll apologize if you want me to.
00:52:03	SUSIE:	Oh, will you? What a sport. What a fucking peach. I don't want an apology. I don't want anything from you.
00:52:11	HEDY:	I swear, I didn't mean to hurt you. It was college. I was a redhead. That was a mistake, too. No. I didn't… (groans) You were definitely not… Oh, boy, I really want to buy you that drink.
00:52:32	SUSIE:	I have to go. Nice to see you, Hedy. You look good as a blonde.

Susan (Transcript)

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