s1e1_transcript
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| ^ Episode Number | 1.1 | | ^ Episode Number | 1.1 | | ||
| ^ Written By | [[https:// | ^ Written By | [[https:// | ||
| - | ^ Next Transcript | [[S1E2_transcript|Ya Shivu v Bolshom Dhome Na Kholme | + | ^ Next Transcript | [[S1E2_transcript|Ya Shivu v Bolshom Dhome Na Kholme]] | |
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| ===== Transcript ===== | ===== Transcript ===== | ||
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| - | TODO | ||
| <WRAP baretable> | <WRAP baretable> | ||
| - | | foo | bar | | + | ^ 00: |
| - | | bar | foo | | + | ^ 00: |
| - | </ | + | ^ 00:00:52 | MIDGE: | This day has been long in planning. Anyone who knows me knows I plan. At 6 I decided Russian literature would be my major. At 12 I found my signature haircut. At 13 I announced I was going to Bryn Mawr College... in Katharine Hepburn' |
| - | + | ^ 00:01:23 | PETRA: | It smells so good! | | |
| - | ^ 00:53:53 | MIDGE: | Do you love it? | | + | ^ 00:01:25 | MIDGE: | The campus was old and elegant, with ivy-covered buildings and stained glass windows and... | |
| - | ^ 00:54:01 | LENNY: | Well, I’ve been doing it a while... Okay, let's put it like this. If there was anything else in the entire world that I could possibly | + | ^ 00:01:33 | MIDGE: | Monogrammed butter pats. | |
| - | + | ^ 00:01:35 | PETRA: | What? Oh! | | |
| - | <WRAP group> | + | ^ 00:01:36 | MIDGE: | This was a magical place, where butter was beautiful, and I would solve the mysteries of the universe and meet brilliant women, kindred spirits who would explore this brave new world with me. | |
| - | <WRAP 6% column> | + | ^ 00:01:47 | MIDGE: | Ooh! My God, it's burning. | |
| - | 00:54:01 | + | ^ 00:01:49 | FAN GIRL 1: | It's supposed to. It's bleach. | |
| - | </ | + | ^ 00:01:51 | MIDGE: | It's awful. I hate you for this. | |
| - | + | ^ 00:01:52 | FAN GIRL 1: | It was your idea. | | |
| - | <WRAP 6% column> | + | ^ 00:01:54 | MIDGE: | Never listen to me. I'm nuts. Why aren't you in pain? | |
| - | LENNY: | + | ^ 00:01:56 | PEROXIDE GIRL: | I'm from Kansas. | |
| - | + | ^ 00:01:58 | MIDGE: | I don't know what that means. How much longer? | | |
| - | </ | + | ^ 00:01:59 | FAN GIRL 1: | Ten minutes. | |
| - | <WRAP 68% column> | + | ^ 00:02:01 | MIDGE: | Oh, Jiminy Crickets. | |
| - | Well, I’ve been doing it a while... | + | ^ 00:02:02 | PEROXIDE GIRL: | Where are you going? Where is she going? | |
| - | </ | + | ^ 00:02:05 | FAN GIRL 2: | I don't know. | |
| + | ^ 00:02:06 | PEROXIDE GIRL: | Midge. Midge? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:02:09 | FAN GIRL 1: | Midge! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:02:11 | MIDGE: | How much longer? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:02:11 | FAN GIRL 2: | Nine minutes! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:02:13 | MIDGE: | Holy fuzzy Christ balls! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:02:16 | MIDGE: | But all of these marvelous adventures were simply the preamble to my ultimate destiny. I was going to meet a man - a perfect man. He would be 6' | ||
| + | ^ 00:02:31 | JOEL: | Joel. Joel Maisel. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:02:37 | JOEL: | Best buildup since " | ||
| + | ^ 00:02:39 | MIDGE: | Joel Maisel was my knight in shining armor, a gift from God, and he thought I was brilliant. He took me to galleries and poetry readings and Greek dramas. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:03:03 | MIDGE: | Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, Miss. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:03:05 | MISTY: | Thanks, toots. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:03:09 | MIDGE: | She's going to need that. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:03:12 | MC: | That was Misty Dream, ladies and gentlemen. Y’know, she’s only 18… in dog years! Anyway, I’ll leave the jokes to our next performer. He’s fresh out of the merchant marines, or some patriotic shit like that. And, uh, let’s hear it for him… Lenny Bruce! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:03:36 | JOEL: | This is the guy I wanted you to see. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:03:38 | MIDGE: | No way he's funnier than Misty. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:03:40 | LENNY: | Thank you. So, I was reading the paper and, uh, there was a story. These kids, uh, eight and nine year old, were sniffing airplane glue to get high on. Now these kids are responsible for turning musicians onto a lot of things they never knew about, actually. And I had a fantasy of how it happened. The kid is alone in his room. It's Saturday. The kid is played by George McCready. “Well let's see now… I'm all alone in a room and it's Saturday. I'll make an airplane, that's what I'll do! I'll make a Lancaster. Good structural design. I'll get the balsa wood here, I'll cut it out, I'll sand it down, and now a little airplane glue, I'll rub it on a rag, and uh- heeeeey now, I'm getting loaded!” | | ||
| + | ^ 00:04:32 | MIDGE: | Oh, the things Joel taught me. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:04:34 | JOEL: | You know what I want? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:04:36 | MIDGE: | Please don't say a virgin. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:04:38 | JOEL: | I want to make you laugh, every day of your life. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:04:41 | MIDGE: | Oh, great, but not now, though. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:04:43 | JOEL: | No, no, not now. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:04:47 | MIDGE: | I have been very lucky. I have wonderful parents. I've had a very comfortable life, and though I knew that love would be great, I had no idea it would be anything that could justify what I paid for this dress. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:04:58 | ABE: | What I paid for that dress! We're very happy. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:05:01 | MIDGE: | And because it's better than anything I could have imagined, I thought I should get up here today and tell all of you that I love this man! And yes, there is shrimp in the egg rolls. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:05:14 | ROSE: | Miriam! Rabbi, she's kidding. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:05:22 | ABE: | You show me in the Bible where God says you can't eat shrimp. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:05:26 | IRV: | Leviticus. Whatever does not have fins or scales, you shall not eat! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:05:28 | ABE: | But did He say shrimp? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:01 | MIDGE: | Lutzi, we got the rabbi. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:03 | LUTZI: | Hmm? How? When? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:05 | MIDGE: | We heard today. My mother fainted, then called four people, then fainted again. This year, on Yom Kippur, Rabbi Krinsky will be breaking fast at our house. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:11 | LUTZI: | You're gonna need some lamb. Rabbi loves his lamb. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:14 | EDIE: | Excuse me! I'm in the middle of an order here! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:16 | MIDGE: | I'm so sorry. What were you getting? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:16 | EDIE: | Pork chops. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:18 | MIDGE: | Put her pork chops on my tab. Oh, I can't believe it. The rabbi' | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:28 | EDIE: | Disgraceful. - You like your free pork chops? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:28 | MIDGE: | You like your free pork chops? Zip it, then. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:30 | LUTZI: | Delivery Thursday? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:32 | MIDGE: | After 10. I grabbed a couple of black and whites. We got the rabbi! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:48 | MIDGE: | Antonio, I bought you a black and white. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:50 | ANTONIO: | Oh, thank you, Mrs. Maisel. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:06:53 | MIDGE: | Jerry, nice tie. Got you a black and white. Thank you, Jerry. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:22 | MIDGE: | Perfect. You are perfect. Hello. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:34 | JOEL: | You tell everyone about the rabbi? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:35 | MIDGE: | What am I, a braggart? Please. How's work? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:38 | JOEL: | I believe something got sold today. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:40 | MIDGE: | Hmm. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:40 | JOEL: | How's the brisket? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:41 | MIDGE: | I'm buying it a sash and a crown. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:43 | JOEL: | Good. We'll need it. I got a terrible stage time for tonight: 1:45. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:46 | MIDGE: | Yikes. | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:48 | JOEL: | I bowed out of my lunch meeting and got downtown as quickly as I could, but that guy who runs the Gaslight- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:52 | MIDGE: | Baz. You must learn his name. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:53 | JOEL: | Fine. Baz still gave me the crappiest time. He hates me. | | ||
| + | ^ 00: | ||
| + | ^ 00:07:58 | JOEL: | He doesn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:03 | MIDGE: | We will fix it. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:05 | JOEL: | 1:45. No one is there at 1:45. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:06 | MIDGE: | They' | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:08 | JOEL: | I don't know what I'd do without | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:09 | MIDGE: | Go on at 1:45. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:09 | JOEL: | Bye. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:12 | JOEL: | So the waiter says, "Fine. I'll try it." He looks at the bowl and says "Where the hell is the spoon?" | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:19 | MITCHELL: | So he didn't bring him a spoon. And that's why he didn't eat the soup. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:23 | JOEL: | No spoon. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:24 | MITCHELL: | Well, you can't eat a soup with no spoon. Oh, boy. That's a good joke there. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:29 | JOEL: | Uh-huh. Penny, can you walk Mitchell down to Al's office? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:32 | PENNY: | Of course. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:32 | JOEL: | Al can take you through the specs. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:34 | MITCHELL: | Okay. Boy, I'll be laughing about that spoon for a week. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:43 | JOEL: | Oi. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:57 | ARCHIE: | I saw Funt heading down the hall. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:08:59 | JOEL: | I sent him over to Al's office. He's fine. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:02 | ARCHIE: | You heading down to the Village tonight? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:03 | JOEL: | Midge will be here any minute. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:05 | ARCHIE: | Joel Maisel, king of comedy. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:07 | JOEL: | All right, all right. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:08 | ARCHIE: | You know, Imogene' | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:12 | JOEL: | Very amusing. Can I use that? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:14 | ARCHIE: | Seriously, when can we come? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:16 | MIDGE: | I have a cab waiting downstairs. Hi, Archie. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:17 | JOEL: | Why'd you have him wait? We could have taken another cab. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:21 | MIDGE: | I know, but the driver' | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:24 | ARCHIE: | So I'll come next week? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:26 | JOEL: | Next week. Why not? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:28 | MIDGE: | Bye, Archie. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:30 | JOEL: | Good night, Penny. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:09:31 | PENNY: | Good night. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:10:50 | TRIO: | ♪ Some people say man is made out of mud. A poor man's made out of muscle and blood. Muscle and blood and skin and bone. A mind that's weak and a back that's strong. You load 16 tons... ♪ | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:03 | MIDGE: | Packed house. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:05 | JOEL: | Yeah, it won't be at 1:45. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:06 | MIDGE: | Oi, my God, with the one-track mind. Go. Sit. Let the master work. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:10 | TRIO: | ♪ Don't you call me, 'cause I can't go. I owe my soul To the company store ♪ | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:16 | VONNIE: | Coming right up. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:18 | SUSIE: | Fuck! What? Gaslight. What? Yes. We're open. Don't know. When everyone' | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:32 | MIDGE: | I'm looking for Baz. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:34 | SUSIE: | Shitter, back on the right. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:35 | MIDGE: | I'll wait till he's done. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:38 | SUSIE: | That the brisket? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:39 | MIDGE: | It's for Baz. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:41 | BAZ: | We pay the coffee guy? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:42 | SUSIE: | Yes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:42 | BAZ: | Where in here does it say that? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:44 | SUSIE: | Jesus Christ, Baz. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:46 | BAZ: | Hello, Midge. Is that- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:47 | MIDGE: | I made my brisket. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:49 | BAZ: | So I'm guessing your husband doesn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:11:52 | MIDGE: | No, he loves his time slot. He loves any time slot. There' | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:00 | SUSIE: | Didn't your son have the measles last week? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:02 | MIDGE: | What? Uh, yes. Yes, he did. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:04 | SUSIE: | And the week before that, your mother had rickets? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:06 | MIDGE: | Yes. So painful. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:08 | SUSIE: | And last month, your sister-in-law broke her toe. Your brother threw out his back. hat's a lot of health issues. Your family might want to eat some fruit. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:15 | MIDGE: | I'll take that into consideration. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:17 | BAZ: | Okay. 10:30. Next time, I'd like some latkes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:21 | MIDGE: | I make great latkes, genius latkes. You won't be sorry. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:25 | TRIO: | ♪ Saint Peter, don't you call me, 'cause I can't go ♪ | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:26 | SUSIE: | Pussy. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:28 | TRIO: | ♪ I owe my soul to the company store ♪ | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:31 | MIDGE: | 10:30. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:32 | JOEL: | You're kidding. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:33 | MIDGE: | Mm-hmm. Where' | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:35 | JOEL: | I should be kissing the brisket. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:40 | JACKIE: | The next act up is a nice clean-cut young man, somebody your mother would love. He's a comedian. Give a big hand for Joel Maisel. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:12:55 | JOEL: | Thanks a lot. So many of you may have read the book "The Hidden Persuaders." | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:18 | JOEL: | $3.30 and one subway token. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:20 | MIDGE: | I'll take that token. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:21 | JOEL: | Tonight was great. I killed. I had a good time, so I killed. I need an audience. I feed off an audience. I finished, people started to leave. Did you see that? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:29 | MIDGE: | I almost left myself. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:31 | JOEL: | 10:30. Perfect slot. Give me that slot again next time. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:34 | SUSIE: | Hey. here. Saw your act. Don't forget the latkes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:46 | JOEL: | Who's that guy? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:48 | MIDGE: | She works there. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:49 | JOEL: | Heh heh. Only in the Village. Taxi! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:14:53 | MIDGE: | You got three more laughs tonight than you did last time, and a couple of extra, like, laughlets. But what you were shaking your head for? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:15:01 | JOEL: | Hmm? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:15:01 | MIDGE: | Nothing. You were great. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:15:04 | JOEL: | I was great. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:15:07 | MIDGE: | You know, you don't really say hello to the audience. Maybe you should write a beginning, something that says who you are or something. What do you think? Good evening. What a nice... Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for the nice- nice... " | ||
| + | ^ 00:15:44 | MIDGE: | Maybe you could do impressions to start. You do a great one of my aunt Bertha ordering dinner. "A garnish can be festive but deadly." | ||
| + | ^ 00:15:51 | JOEL: | Good night, Gracie. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:15:53 | MIDGE: | Good night, Gracie. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:17:50 | JOEL: | Hey. Good morning. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:17:55 | MIDGE: | Did the alarm go off? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:17:57 | JOEL: | It sure did. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:17:58 | MIDGE: | Wow. I didn't hear it at all. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:00 | JOEL: | You never do. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:22 | MIDGE: | Good morning, Jerry. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:22 | JERRY: | Good morning, Mrs. Maisel. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:31 | MIDGE: | Thanks, Jerry. Hello. It's me. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:40 | ZELDA: | Good morning, Miss Miriam. Can I get you some coffee? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:41 | MIDGE: | Oh, yes, Zelda, please. Good morning, Papa. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:44 | ABE: | Mm. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:45 | MIDGE: | Good morning, Ethan. Good morning, Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan! E- Never mind. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:53 | ZELDA: | Here you are. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:53 | ROSE: | Did you get coffee? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:54 | MIDGE: | Yes, and a great welcome from my son. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:56 | ROSE: | Men. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:58 | MIDGE: | Thanks for taking the kids last night. Were they okay? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:18:59 | ROSE: | We need to talk about the baby. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:01 | MIDGE: | Why? What's the matter with her? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:04 | ROSE: | That forehead is not improving. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:07 | MIDGE: | What? Are you sure? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:08 | ROSE: | It's getting bigger. The whole face will be out of proportion. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:10 | MIDGE: | Look at the nose. It's elongating now. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:12 | ROSE: | The nose is not the problem. The nose you can fix. But this gigantic forehead. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:16 | MIDGE: | Ma, there' | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:18 | ROSE: | I'm just afraid she's not a very pretty girl. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:19 | MIDGE: | Mama, she's a baby. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:22 | ROSE: | I just want her to be happy. It's easier to be happy when you're pretty. You're right. Bangs will help. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:26 | MIDGE: | Mm-hmm. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:34 | ABE: | Zelda, don't clean in here. It's fine just the way it is. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:37 | ROSE: | How did Joel's little show go? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:39 | MIDGE: | It went very well. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:40 | ROSE: | I still don't understand this whole thing. Whom is he performing for? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:43 | MIDGE: | Anyone who shows up. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:43 | ROSE: | And they pay you? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:46 | MIDGE: | They pass around a basket at the end of your set, and whatever' | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:49 | ROSE: | If you need money, we can give you money. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:50 | MIDGE: | No, we don't need money. Joel is funny, and he likes to do his comedy. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:54 | ROSE: | How long are you going to be doing this, running around at night, taking money from strangers like a schnorrer? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:19:58 | MIDGE: | As long as it's fun. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:00 | ROSE: | Six to nine more months left on those arms. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:02 | MIDGE: | Really? I've been doing those exercises with the soup cans. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:05 | ROSE: | Forget the cans. Buy a bolero. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:06 | ABE: | How did you get in here? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:07 | ZELDA: | I came through the other door. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:09 | ABE: | Just because there is a door does not mean you use it. A door does not represent infinite possibilities. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:14 | ROSE: | Is everything ordered for next week? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:15 | MIDGE: | Yes, all done. Ethan, put your coat on. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:17 | ABE: | You have a whole apartment to clean. Just leave this room the way it is. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:20 | ROSE: | I thought we'd do dinner at your place. Your dining room's bigger than ours. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:23 | ABE: | Our dining room is fine. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:24 | ROSE: | If you don't entertain, it' | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:26 | MIDGE: | I'll call you later. Bye, Papa. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:27 | ABE: | Clean the bathroom. Clean the bathroom. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:29 | MIDGE: | Say goodbye, Ethan. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:29 | ABE: | You love bathrooms. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:30 | MIDGE: | Ethan. Ethan. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:32 | ABE: | Clean them again. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:32 | MIDGE: | Ethan. E- Never mind. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:38 | IMOGENE: | She's going on and on about this miracle treatment she had done in Mexico. It involved goat's milk and avocadoes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:43 | MIDGE: | Right ankle 8, left ankle 8. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:45 | IMOGENE: | They smear it on your face, wrap a hot towel around your head, and stick two straws up your nose. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:50 | MIDGE: | Right calf 11, left calf 11. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:51 | IMOGENE: | So you can breathe through the straws. | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:54 | MIDGE: | Right thigh 18. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:56 | IMOGENE: | And they drop the anchor, and you sit there for four hours. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:20:58 | MIDGE: | Right thigh 18 1/2. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:00 | IMOGENE: | Then they row you back in- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:00 | MIDGE: | Hips 34. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:01 | IMOGENE: | And they scrape you down- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:01 | MIDGE: | Waist 25. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:03 | IMOGENE: | ...slap you in the face with old banana skins- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:05 | MIDGE: | Bust 32. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:07 | IMOGENE: | ...charge you $75, and send you home. She thinks she looks 20. I think she looks the same. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:09 | MIDGE: | Mm. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:10 | IMOGENE: | God, you are so proportional. How long have you been measuring yourself like this? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:14 | MIDGE: | Every day for ten years. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:16 | IMOGENE: | Even when you were pregnant? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:16 | MIDGE: | Mm. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:17 | IMOGENE: | There' | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:19 | ED SULLIVAN: | ...Chicago, one of the great comedy recording stars in the country - Bob Newhart. So let's hear it- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:25 | MIDGE: | There you are. Are you hungry? I made curry, and I ordered Chinese in case it's awful. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:29 | JOEL: | I'm sure it's fine. Did we have children? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:31 | MIDGE: | They' | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:32 | JOEL: | Hi, Imogene. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:34 | IMOGENE: | Hey, Joel. Did you hear we're coming downtown to see you tomorrow night? We haven' | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:39 | JOEL: | Don't except too much. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:40 | IMOGENE: | Oh, you'd better be great. I'm going to wear a beret. See you tomorrow. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:43 | MIDGE: | Bye. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:44 | IMOGENE: | Mwah. Goodbye, Joel. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:46 | JOEL: | Bye. Ah, the curry' | ||
| + | ^ 00:21:49 | BOB NEWHART: | You've seen one, you've seen them all. Right. Uh, listen, Abe, I got- What's the problem? Y-You' | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:13 | MIDGE: | Joel? Joel. You're not gonna believe this. Bob Newhart is doing your act. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:20 | JOEL: | What? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:22 | MIDGE: | Bob Newhart. He's on "Ed Sullivan." | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:35 | JOEL: | Midge, relax. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:36 | MIDGE: | You're not mad. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:37 | JOEL: | No. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:39 | MIDGE: | Or stunned. Not even mildly bemused? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:42 | JOEL: | It's his act. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:44 | MIDGE: | What? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:46 | JOEL: | Are you gonna put the rest of this on a platter? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:47 | MIDGE: | How is it his act? How do you know his act? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:50 | JOEL: | I've got his record. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:51 | MIDGE: | So you stole Bob Newhart' | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:53 | JOEL: | It's fine. Everybody does it. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:55 | MIDGE: | Everybody steals his act? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:22:56 | JOEL: | Yes. No. Not steals. Borrows. It's no big deal. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:01 | MIDGE: | It's not? When I found out June Friedman used my meatloaf recipe, I almost stabbed her in the eye with a fork. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:06 | JOEL: | Everybody in comedy steals- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:07 | MIDGE: | Borrows. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:09 | JOEL: | -borrows everybody else's jokes, especially at the beginning. Bob Newhart probably used Henny Youngman' | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:15 | MIDGE: | Oh. Well, if that's how it's done. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:19 | JOEL: | It is. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:22 | MIDGE: | I thought you'd written it - that act. I feel a little silly now. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:30 | JOEL: | Well, I did put my spin on it. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:32 | MIDGE: | Yes. You slowed it down. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:33 | JOEL: | And my inflection is different. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:34 | MIDGE: | Right. I'm new to this, so... | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:36 | JOEL: | You'll learn. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:38 | MIDGE: | I guess I will. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:39 | JOEL: | You want a drink? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:23:40 | MIDGE: | Sure. Guess I'd better go apologize to June Friedman now. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:03 | MIDGE: | Hello. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:03 | JOEL: | How's the brisket? Is it okay? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:04 | MIDGE: | Do you know something I don't? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:06 | JOEL: | Just answer the question, Midge. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:07 | MIDGE: | Yes. It's fine. What's the matter? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:08 | JOEL: | I had to work straight through lunch, so I couldn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:13 | MIDGE: | Tonight. Yes, I understand. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:15 | JOEL: | Archie and Imogene are coming, remember? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:16 | MIDGE: | Of course I remember. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:17 | JOEL: | They' | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:22 | MIDGE: | They' | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:23 | JOEL: | I should have changed that lunch, damn it. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:25 | MIDGE: | Joel, come on. I promise you'll get on. I'll bring the brisket. I'll do my thing. Everything will be fine, okay? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:29 | JOEL: | Okay. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:32 | MIDGE: | Hey. Remember this whole comedy thing, it's supposed to be fun. That's why we do it, right? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:36 | JOEL: | Right. Well, you'll have to bring me my show sweater. I left it at home. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:39 | MIDGE: | I can do that. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:40 | JOEL: | And you have to be here right at 8. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:41 | MIDGE: | I will be on time. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:43 | JOEL: | Okay. I should go. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:47 | MIDGE: | Huh. Your daddy is crazy. Now let's measure that forehead. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:24:57 | MIDGE: | Pull over here. I'll just be a minute. Oh, geez. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:01 | JOEL: | Where the hell have you been? It's 8:30! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:02 | MIDGE: | I know. I'm sorry. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:03 | JOEL: | Go. Go, go. Do you have my sweater? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:10 | MIDGE: | Yes. You didn't have to stand out there. I would have come up. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:14 | JOEL: | You get here at 8, you come up. Are you kidding me? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:17 | MIDGE: | What? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:17 | JOEL: | Holes. Holes everywhere. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:19 | MIDGE: | What? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:20 | JOEL: | I can't believe you didn't look at it before you left the house. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:23 | MIDGE: | I was in a hurry to meet you. You can hardly see them. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:24 | JOEL: | Hardly see? Look, look. A hole here, a hole here, two holes here. I mean, how does this happen? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:30 | MIDGE: | It was probably a moth. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:31 | JOEL: | A moth? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:31 | MIDGE: | Yes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:33 | JOEL: | What moth? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:34 | MIDGE: | Ted. Ted the Moth. Dime-sized holes, | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:38 | JOEL: | You think this is funny? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:38 | MIDGE: | I think it doesn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:39 | JOEL: | Going on stage with holes in my shirt like a bum. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:41 | MIDGE: | It's downtown. If you have underwear on, you're overdressed. Hey, why don't you talk about it? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:49 | JOEL: | About what? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:50 | MIDGE: | About your sweater. You know, joke about it in your act. It'll be fun, personal, yours. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:53 | JOEL: | I don't know. Oh, great. They' | ||
| + | ^ 00:25:56 | MIDGE: | Okay, why don't you go join them, have a cup of coffee, calm down? I'll go deal with this, okay? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:00 | JOEL: | Yeah, fine. Hurry. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:02 | MIDGE: | Mm-hmm. Excuse me. Is Baz around? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:09 | SUSIE: | Nope. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:14 | MIDGE: | Excuse me. Um, do you see my husband Joel Maisel over there? Okay. He couldn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:31 | SUSIE: | Wait a minute. The Clearys are here? You're kidding me. Where? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:35 | MIDGE: | Over there. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:38 | SUSIE: | Well, I will be damned. Well, that is exciting. The Clearys are here. Wow. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:47 | MIDGE: | Anyhow, I was wondering if you could find a way to give my husband a better time - preferably before 11:30. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:54 | SUSIE: | Why isn't he over here? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:56 | MIDGE: | What? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:26:57 | SUSIE: | Mr. Saturday Night. Why isn't he asking for the time? Why are you asking for the time? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:00 | MIDGE: | Well, I have the brisket. So... anything you can do would be great. So thanks. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:12 | ARCHIE: | That looks like Allen Ginsberg. Imogene, doesn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:17 | JOEL: | Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:18 | ARCHIE: | Hey, there, kitten. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:19 | MIDGE: | Hi. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:20 | IMOGENE: | This place is perfectly filthy! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:21 | MIDGE: | You should see the bathroom. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:23 | JOEL: | Don't go in the bathroom. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:24 | IMOGENE: | Well, now I' | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:27 | JOEL: | Oh. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:29 | ARCHIE: | No, no. I got this. A starving artist never pays. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:30 | JOEL: | I'm not a starving artist. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:32 | ARCHIE: | Your sweater tells another story. Here you go. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:34 | JOEL: | So? What did he say? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:37 | MIDGE: | Uh, he wasn't there, but the lady said she'd work it out. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:46 | FOLKSY DUO: | Now who here likes hillbilly polka? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:49 | JACKIE: | All right, next up, a lady fresh off some boat from somewhere. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:53 | JOEL: | When the hell am I going on? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:55 | MIDGE: | I don't know. Soon. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:27:56 | JACKIE: | Janet Shaw. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:01 | JANET: | Woman: All right. This poem is about... Spokane. Spokane... Spokane. Spokane. Man. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:24 | MIDGE: | I'll be right back. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:25 | JANET: | Rumble of lumber trucks. Spokane. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:29 | MIDGE: | Where is she? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:30 | VONNIE: | Who? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:31 | MIDGE: | The one who looks like she lives under a bridge. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:32 | VONNIE: | Oh. Susie. She went out. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:34 | MIDGE: | Do you know where? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:36 | VONNIE: | God, no. Who would ask? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:37 | JANET: | Robbers of the indigenous. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:40 | MIDGE: | Any minute now. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:40 | JANET: | Spokane. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:41 | ARCHIE: | Kitten, we're going to have to take a rain check. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:43 | IMOGENE: | Oh, it was a blast, though. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:44 | MIDGE: | Oh, no, wait- wait just a few minutes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:46 | JOEL: | We got to head home, too. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:48 | MIDGE: | We can't leave. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:49 | JOEL: | I have an early morning meeting. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:50 | ARCHIE: | I say we just tell everybody it was Allen Ginsberg. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:52 | SUSIE: | You're up. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:54 | JOEL: | What? What did he say? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:56 | MIDGE: | I think she said you're up. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:28:57 | IMOGENE: | Oh, goodie. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:29:00 | JANET: | Man. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:29:05 | JACKIE: | Thank you, Janet Shaw. Don't need to go to Spokane now. All right, up next, we have a comedian. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:29:12 | IMOGENE: | That's you. Go. Be funny. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:29:14 | JACKIE: | Joel Maisel. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:29:18 | IMOGENE: | Whoo! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:29:21 | JOEL: | Thank you. Thanks a lot. So exciting. So... my sweater... It's a new sweater, but I asked my wife to bring it to me because I work during the day, so she does, and I put it on. Holes. Holes in my sweater. So I asked, "How did this happen?" | ||
| + | ^ 00:30:02 | IMOGENE: | He's very avant garde. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:30:04 | JOEL: | Th-That was just-- That was just something that, uh...happened. Okay. So, uh, uh... anyhow, this is, uh a press agent talking to Abe Lincoln. Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettys- Sorry. Did- Did any of you read the book "The Hidden Persuaders?" | ||
| + | ^ 00:31:08 | JOEL: | You told me to talk about my sweater. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:31:11 | MIDGE: | I know. I just thought you'd put it into some sort of joke form or something. Sorry. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:31:28 | JOEL: | Don't. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:31:49 | MIDGE: | Can I get you anything? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:20 | MIDGE: | What are you doing? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:22 | JOEL: | I have to go. I have to leave. You. I have to leave you. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:32 | MIDGE: | That's my suitcase. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:34 | JOEL: | It is? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:35 | MIDGE: | You going to leave me with my suitcase? Joel, tomorrow' | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:41 | JOEL: | I'm- I'm- I'm not happy. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:42 | MIDGE: | Nobody' | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:44 | JOEL: | I don't know how to do this. I'm not good at things like this. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:47 | MIDGE: | Things like what? Like leaving me? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:48 | JOEL: | Yes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:51 | MIDGE: | So don't. Practice a little. Try it again when you feel more confident about the moves. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:52 | JOEL: | Midge- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:53 | MIDGE: | Joel, the rabbi is coming. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:54 | JOEL: | Yeah. I know he is. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:55 | MIDGE: | Five years we've been trying to get the rabbi, and this year we got him. We got the rabbi. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:32:58 | JOEL: | I should go. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:00 | MIDGE: | No. P-Please. I don't understand. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:01 | JOEL: | I thought my life was going to be something different. I thought I was going to be someone | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:10 | MIDGE: | It was one stupid night. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:11 | JOEL: | And I'm up there dying, and I'm thinking about last week. We're in temple, and the rabbi tells that stupid Sodom and Gomorrah joke, and suddenly the whole synagogue goes nuts. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:18 | MIDGE: | So? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:20 | JOEL: | He got more laughs in five minutes than I did in five months. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:21 | MIDGE: | You're jealous of the rabbi? He was in Buchenwald. Throw him a bone. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:25 | JOEL: | Did you ever think you were supposed to be something, and, uh, and you suddenly realize you're not? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:29 | MIDGE: | Yes. Married. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:31 | JOEL: | That's good. You're good. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:32 | MIDGE: | Joel, please. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:33 | JOEL: | I'm never going to be a professional comedian, Midge. Never. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:35 | MIDGE: | No, of course not. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:38 | JOEL: | What do you mean, of course not? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:39 | MIDGE: | What do you mean, what do I mean? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:41 | JOEL: | What did you think all those nights at the club were? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:43 | MIDGE: | I thought they were fun. I thought they were our fun couples thing, like how the Morgensterns play golf, or how the Myers ballroom dance, or how the Levins pretend they' | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:52 | JOEL: | I can't believe this. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:54 | MIDGE: | I never knew you were serious about it. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:56 | JOEL: | Of course I was serious, Miriam. What the hell ever made you think I wasn't serious? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:33:59 | MIDGE: | Well, for starters, you were doing someone else's act. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:02 | JOEL: | I told you, everybody does that when they start. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:04 | MIDGE: | If you wanted to be a comedian, you should have at least written a joke. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:07 | JOEL: | I tried with the Ted thing. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:09 | MIDGE: | I wrote the Ted thing. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:09 | JOEL: | And it bombed. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:11 | MIDGE: | Because you killed it. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:11 | JOEL: | Oh, forget it. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:12 | MIDGE: | Joel, come on. You have a job. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:14 | JOEL: | Yeah but the comedy was a dream. Do you know what a dream is? A dream is what keeps you going in a job you hate. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:21 | MIDGE: | Since when do you hate your job? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:23 | JOEL: | Do you know what I do, Midge? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:24 | MIDGE: | You're the vice president of- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:25 | JOEL: | No, no, no, no. Do you know what I do every day? Day in and day out, what the actual physical machinations of my job are? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:32 | MIDGE: | No. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:34 | JOEL: | Neither do I! I take meetings. I take phone calls. I shuffle paper around, and I have no idea of what the hell I actually do! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:40 | MIDGE: | Maybe if you did, you'd like it more. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:42 | JOEL: | I just thought, with the brisket and the notebook, I thought you understood. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:49 | MIDGE: | I'm sorry. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:52 | JOEL: | Yeah. Me, too. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:34:54 | MIDGE: | But, Joel, you can't just leave. I love you. We have a home. We have children. They' | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:01 | JOEL: | I have to go. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:02 | MIDGE: | No, no, no. Wait. I will be better. I will do better. I- I'll- I'll pay more attention. You can quit your job. We can go to the club every single night, and I'll buy more notebooks. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:10 | JOEL: | I've been having an affair. It's been going on for months. I thought it was a phase, but now- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:17 | MIDGE: | Who? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:19 | JOEL: | Penny. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:22 | MIDGE: | Your secretary. You're leaving me for a girl who can't figure out how to sharpen pencils? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:28 | JOEL: | It's not about her, and it was a new sharpener. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:30 | MIDGE: | It was electric. All she had to do was push. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:32 | JOEL: | Don't you understand? I need to start over. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:34 | MIDGE: | With her? She wins? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:36 | JOEL: | It's not a contest. I just don't want this life, this whole upper West Side, classic six, best seats in temple. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:43 | MIDGE: | Wife, two kids. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:35:44 | JOEL: | I just don' | ||
| + | ^ 00:36:02 | MIDGE: | Oh, that might be the funniest thing you've ever said. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:36:05 | JOEL: | Honey- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:36:05 | MIDGE: | Tomorrow is Yom Kippur. I have 30 people and a rabbi coming over for break fast, and this is the moment you decide | ||
| + | ^ 00:36:20 | JOEL: | I'm sorry. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:36:22 | MIDGE: | Go on. Get out. Grab some pens on your way out. You're going to need them. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:36:52 | JERRY: | Good evening, Mr. Maisel. Going on a trip? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:20 | MIDGE: | Papa. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:22 | ABE: | Rose. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:24 | MIDGE: | Papa. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:25 | ABE: | Rose. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:27 | MIDGE: | Papa, wait. I- I just- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:28 | ABE: | Rose! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:30 | ROSE: | I'm here. My God. What are you wearing? It's not thinning. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:32 | MIDGE: | I have something to tell you. You should both sit. Joel left. He packed up my suitcase, and he left. He's gone. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:47 | ROSE: | Joel left you? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:49 | MIDGE: | Yes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:51 | ROSE: | Why? What did you do? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:53 | MIDGE: | Nothing. I didn't do anything. He's- He's in love with his secretary. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:37:58 | ROSE: | Did you know this? Did you know he was having an affair? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:00 | MIDGE: | Of course I didn't know. God. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:01 | ROSE: | The girl, is she- Oh, my God. Is she pregnant? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:04 | MIDGE: | Shit. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:05 | ROSE: | Did you talk like that around him? Did you use sailor talk? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:08 | MIDGE: | No, I didn't use sailor talk. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:09 | ROSE: | A man doesn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:12 | MIDGE: | What the hell is he doing in there? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:13 | ROSE: | He's mad. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:13 | MIDGE: | At me? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:14 | ROSE: | Shh. They' | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:14 | MIDGE: | Who'll hear? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:15 | ROSE: | Them. Them. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:16 | MIDGE: | Who is them? Oh, God, Mama. Papa. Papa. Why are you mad? I didn't do anything wrong. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:25 | ABE: | When I agreed to send you to that fancy goyim college, what was the one thing I told you? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:30 | MIDGE: | They' | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:32 | ABE: | The important thing I told you. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:33 | MIDGE: | That was about deli, too. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:34 | ABE: | The other important thing I told you! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:36 | MIDGE: | Don't pick a weak man. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:38 | ABE: | Ah. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:41 | MIDGE: | This isn't my fault! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:42 | ABE: | Of course it's your fault. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:43 | ROSE: | Oh, shit! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:45 | MIDGE: | Mama, please stop crying. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:47 | ABE: | Everything we bring on ourselves is our own fault. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:49 | MIDGE: | He was a good husband. He was a good provider. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:52 | ABE: | What are you going to do now? What are your children going to do? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:38:55 | MIDGE: | Mama, for the love of God, please stop crying in that bedroom! This isn't fair. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:00 | ROSE: | Oh, no! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:01 | MIDGE: | Much better. Thanks. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:03 | ABE: | Life isn't fair. It's hard and cruel. You have to pick your friends as if there' | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:16 | MIDGE: | How can you say that about Joel? You liked him. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:17 | ABE: | I knew what he was. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:19 | MIDGE: | Why didn't you tell me, then? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:20 | ABE: | I did tell you! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:21 | MIDGE: | When did you tell me? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:22 | ABE: | When you first came home with him. That night. I looked at you. I asked, "Is this the choice?" | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:29 | MIDGE: | That was telling me? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:31 | ABE: | I have to spell it out for you? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:32 | ROSE: | Joel's sick. Everything' | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:38 | ABE: | You listen to me, Miriam. You are a child. You cannot survive this. Now, I am no fan of Joel' | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:47 | MIDGE: | What am I supposed to do, go buy one at Zaybar' | ||
| + | ^ 00:39:49 | ABE: | You fix your face. Put on his favorite dress. Then you go out, find him, and make him come back home. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:40:39 | ANTONIO: | Mrs. Maisel, you all right? Do you need a cab? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:40:41 | MIDGE: | Nope. Gonna take the subway. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:40:44 | ANTONIO: | It's miserable out here. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:40:46 | MIDGE: | It's miserable in there, too. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:05 | MAN: | See, the eternal war is here. O victory, forget your underwear. We're free. I'm- | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:20 | MIDGE: | I left my Pyrex here. I' | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:22 | VONNIE: | Your what? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:23 | MIDGE: | Pyrex. My Pyrex. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:25 | VONNIE: | Nope. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:26 | MIDGE: | It's a Pyrex. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:27 | VONNIE: | Yeah, you keep saying that. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:28 | MIDGE: | Pyrex. It's a glass baking dish, very durable. It can go from hot to cold without cracking. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:32 | VONNIE: | We don't serve food here. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:33 | MIDGE: | I know. It's not yours. It's mine. I brought it here. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:36 | VONNIE: | Why? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:38 | MIDGE: | I made a brisket f- Is that really important right now? My dish is here. I'd like it back. Can you make that happen? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:42 | VONNIE: | This place gets so weird late. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:41:44 | JACKIE: | That was deep, Christian, I think. Who knows? Okay, next up. Uh... folks, just sit tight. I'll be right back. Vonnie, where' | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:11 | MIDGE: | So this is it, huh? This is the dream. Standing up here on this filthy, sticky stage all alone... if you couldn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:24 | BLONDE: | Who's Joel? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:27 | MIDGE: | What? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:28 | BLONDE: | Who's Joel? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:30 | MIDGE: | My husband. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:31 | GUY WITH BLONDE: | We can't hear you! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:32 | WOMAN: | Oh. Shh, shh, shh. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:33 | MIDGE: | Sorry. Joel is my husband of four years, and tonight he left. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:39 | BEATNIK: | Whoo! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:40 | MIDGE: | Thank you. Thank you very much. Yep. He left- Joel. Left. He packed up my suitcase and left. Oh, I'm going to have to lie to the rabbi about why Joel's not there. Lying to the rabbi on Yom Kippur. I couldn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:55 | BLONDE: | I don't understand what's going on. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:42:56 | MIDGE: | Me, either, sister, me, either. There are so many questions spinning around in my head. Why did he leave? Why wasn't I enough? And why didn't they put the stage over there against that wall instead of over here by the bathroom so you wouldn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:43:36 | BEATNIK: | Whoo-hoo! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:43:37 | MIDGE: | All right. All right. But did I mention that he left me for his secretary? Mm-hmm. She's 21 and dumb as a Brillo pad. And I'm not naive. I know that men like stupid girls. Right? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:43:49 | GUY WITH BLONDE: | Uh... | | ||
| + | ^ 00:43:50 | MIDGE: | But I thought Joel wanted more than stupid. I thought he wanted spontaneity and wit. I thought he wanted to be challenged. You know what I mean? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:43:56 | BLONDE: | Uh... | | ||
| + | ^ 00:43:57 | MIDGE: | You two are going to be together forever. I'll tell you this much. I was a great wife. I was fun. I planned theme nights. I dressed in costumes. I gave him kids - a boy and a girl. And yes, our little girl is looking more and more like Winston Churchill | ||
| + | ^ 00:45:15 | UPPER WEST SIDE WOMAN: | 72nd and Amsterdam. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:45:16 | MIDGE: | That place on the corner with the courtyard? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:45:17 | UPPER WEST SIDE WOMAN: | That's the one. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:45:18 | MIDGE: | Oh, that's nice. We looked there. But the closets were so small, and I wanted a powder room. Do you know I've seen her twice with her shirt on inside out? Penny. Twice. Once, fine. You were rushed in the morning. Twice, you can only be trusted to butter people' | ||
| + | ^ 00:46:35 | SUSIE: | Shit. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:46:36 | MIDGE: | Seriously, there' | ||
| + | ^ 00:46:46 | SUSIE: | Shit. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:46:47 | PELUSO: | Get down from there right now. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:46:48 | MIDGE: | You think Bob Newhart' | ||
| + | ^ 00:46:54 | PELUSO: | Let's go. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:46:56 | BEATNIK: | Hey, fuck Penny Pan! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:46:59 | SUSIE: | This is not what you think. She's a housewife. She doesn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:04 | PELUSO: | Yeah, yeah. We can discuss it at the station. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:05 | MIDGE: | Station? What station? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:06 | PELUSO: | Come on. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:07 | WOMAN: | Come back next week! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:08 | MIDGE: | I don't understand what's going on. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:10 | PELUSO: | You're under arrest. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:11 | MIDGE: | What? Why? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:13 | PELUSO: | Public indecency and performing without a cabaret license. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:15 | MIDGE: | You need a license to do that? Seriously? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:16 | PELUSO: | Yeah, yeah. You can bitch all about it to your friend in the back seat there. Go ahead. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:19 | POLICEMAN: | Get in there. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:21 | MIDGE: | Hey! Hey! Hey! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:26 | LENNY: | Hey. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:27 | MIDGE: | Hey. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:36 | JUDY: | Here you go. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:37 | SUSIE: | Thanks, Judy. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:39 | MIDGE: | You bailed me out? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:41 | SUSIE: | My good deed for the year. You get chick raped? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:44 | MIDGE: | I don't think so. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:46 | SUSIE: | Here. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:46 | MIDGE: | It' | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:47 | SUSIE: | Yep. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:49 | MIDGE: | I feel different. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:50 | SUSIE: | You were in there for 20 minutes. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:52 | MIDGE: | 20 minutes can change you. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:53 | SUSIE: | Not really. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:54 | MIDGE: | I' | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:55 | SUSIE: | Not quite. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:56 | MIDGE: | I've got a rap sheet. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:57 | SUSIE: | No, you don't. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:47:58 | MIDGE: | I'm hard. I'm a hard, used woman. Is my hair gray? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:02 | SUSIE: | No, it's not. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:02 | MIDGE: | It feels gray. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:03 | SUSIE: | Jesus Christ. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:04 | MIDGE: | I had it all. I had everything I'd always wanted, and now it's all falling apart. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:10 | SUSIE: | Okay. Come on. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:17 | SUSIE: | Mikey! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:19 | MIDGE: | Look at all the people. They look so happy. Are they high? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:24 | SUSIE: | Yes, they are. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:25 | MIDGE: | Must be nice. Oh, God, I'm so tired. I don't think I've ever been so tired. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:30 | SUSIE: | Have some nuts. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:32 | MIDGE: | Do you notice I'm not wearing my own shoes? I' | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:43 | SUSIE: | Listen, if you're still upset about your husband, don't be. The guy was a fraud and a loser. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:47 | MIDGE: | You don't know him. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:48 | SUSIE: | I know he was doing Bob Newhart' | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:49 | MIDGE: | Everybody steals, right? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:51 | SUSIE: | You didn' | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:53 | MIDGE: | I didn't what? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:54 | YOUNG GUY IN CAP: | House party tonight. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:48:56 | SUSIE: | Steal. You didn't steal. Your shit was totally original. Don't get me wrong. It was rough, but I'm telling you, there is definitely something there. I'm thinking maybe we can meet somewhere, bigger club, if I could just get Baz to die. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:06 | MIDGE: | What are you talking about? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:07 | SUSIE: | I'm talking about your act. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:08 | MIDGE: | I don't have an act. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:09 | SUSIE: | You will when we're done. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:11 | MIDGE: | I don't understand. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:13 | SUSIE: | You should do standup, and I can help you. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:16 | MIDGE: | Oh, come on. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:17 | SUSIE: | I'm serious. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:19 | MIDGE: | I am a mother. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:21 | SUSIE: | Great. We'll use that. One of your kids do something weird? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:22 | MIDGE: | Tonight was an isolated incident. There are medications I can take to make sure that never happens again. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:28 | SUSIE: | Look, 15 years I've been working in clubs, okay? 15 years watching every kind of loser get up there thinking he's Jack Benny. Twice have I seen someone deliver the goods. First time, guy walks in - West Coast, suntanned, arrogant pain in the ass. Three words into his act, I fucking knew it. I turned to Baz, and I said, "That guy's gonna be famous." | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:47 | MIDGE: | Who was he? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:47 | SUSIE: | Mort Sahl. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:48 | MIDGE: | Oh, he's good. We saw him at Grossinger' | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:51 | SUSIE: | Yeah, well, the second time was tonight. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:53 | MIDGE: | Stop it. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:49:55 | SUSIE: | I know I'm right about this, just like I know that unless I somehow get rich enough to hire some German broad to walk me around the park twice a day in my old age, I'm gonna spend my entire life alone. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:05 | MIDGE: | That's not true. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:06 | SUSIE: | It's fine. I don't mind being alone. I just do not want to be insignificant. Do you? Don't you want to do something no one else can do? Be remembered as something other than a mother, or a housewife or member of the Communist Party? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:22 | MIDGE: | When did I become a member of the Communist Party? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:25 | SUSIE: | The minute you took that flyer. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:26 | MIDGE: | What? Shit. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. It's Yom Kippur. I'm supposed to be fasting, atoning for my sins in the eyes of God. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:36 | SUSIE: | So? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:37 | MIDGE: | So I'm eating peanuts. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:38 | SUSIE: | You showed your tits to half of Greenwich Village. You think the fucking nuts are what's going to piss Him off? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:41 | MIDGE: | I have to go. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:42 | SUSIE: | Hey, come on. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:43 | MIDGE: | Thank you for my coat. I paid full price at Saks. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:46 | SUSIE: | Hey. Come back! Miriam! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:50:56 | MIDGE: | 385 Riverside Drive. Wait. Do I have money? I do not have money. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:51:08 | CABBIE: | I ain't got all day, lady. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:51:39 | CHUBBY YOUNG MAN: | Hey, don't you see? That's part of the image. Yeah, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat and the- the string top? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:52:41 | MIDGE: | I went by the Gaslight, and they told me to come here. Is this your apartment? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:52:45 | SUSIE: | Yeah. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:52:46 | MIDGE: | Uh, I'll be by tomorrow at 10. You don't have a very long lease, do you? Because you should move. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:52:54 | SUSIE: | Hey, did you say 10? In the morning? Hey! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:17 | LENNY: | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:22 | PELUSO: | Just take your things and leave, Bruce. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:24 | LENNY: | I had three joints in my wallet, I expect to find them all there. Oh. You know, if you guys have some coke back there, we could have a hell of a party. You’re not my wife. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:36 | MIDGE: | No. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:38 | LENNY: | I thought my wife bailed me out. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:40 | MIDGE: | No. I did. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:42 | LENNY: | Uh-huh? Well, thanks. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:46 | MIDGE: | Can I ask you a question? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:47 | LENNY: | Uh... sure. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:50 | MIDGE: | Do you love it? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:52 | LENNY: | Do I love what? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:53 | MIDGE: | Comedy. Standup. Do you love it? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:53:57 | LENNY: | Seriously? | ||
| + | ^ 00:54:30 | HONEY: | Sorry. I went to the Varick station instead. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:54:33 | LENNY: | Why the hell would you do that? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:54:35 | HONEY: | Because you like Varick better. | | ||
| + | ^ 00:54:36 | LENNY: | Jesus, Honey, you don't get to pick! | | ||
| + | ^ 00:54:38 | MIDGE: | But do you love it? | | ||
| + | ^ 00:54:48 | MIDGE: | Yeah. He loves it. | | ||
| </ | </ | ||
s1e1_transcript.1686863898.txt.gz · Last modified: 2026/08/13 22:04 (external edit)